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Every one of us has mental health in the same way that every one of us has physical health.

Yet despite the prevalence of mental health struggles, there is still so much stigma around them. Worldwide the leading cause of disability is depression, according to the World Health Organization, and in the US alone, nearly 1 in 5 of adults lives with a mental illness.

As a mental health therapist-in-training and the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the largest mental health community for children of immigrants living in the West, I regularly get asked this question: “How can I support a loved one who is struggling with their mental health?” With the multiple crises we’re currently living through, it can feel like more and more people we know are currently hurting.

Maybe you’ve noticed that a friend’s behavior or demeanor has changed and you’re concerned, or a family member is opening up to you for the first time about their anxiety. I know it’s challenging to know what to say or do. Here are eight things that you can do and eight things you should not do when you’re supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.

First, the dos:

DO listen and validate

Be curious about what your friend is struggling with and how it’s impacting them. Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, ask open-ended questions to allow them to share their experience with you — questions like “What’s going on?” or “How long have you been experiencing this?” or “How are you coping?”

When they respond, use validating statements that will help them feel heard and accepted just as they are. Many people who struggle with their mental health may often blame or judge  themselves about what they’re going through; some may feel that their struggles aren’t valid because they’re all “in their head.”

Even if you can’t completely understand or relate to their feelings or experiences, you want to communicate to your loved one that they’re perfectly OK — this can be as simple as saying “That sounds really difficult”.

Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs.

DO ask what they need from you

Instead of making assumptions about what would be helpful to your loved one, ask them directly: “How can I support you?” or “What would be helpful to you right now?” Remember: Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs when they’re having a hard time.

DO offer to help with everyday tasks

A lot of people who struggle with their mental health may find it incredibly difficult to make basic decisions or perform even seemingly small chores. Instead of using the generic phrase “I’m here if you need me,” try to be specific about what you’re offering so your friend won’t have to bear the burden of reaching out or figuring out what they need in the first place.

If you visit them, take a look around and see what they could use assistance with — like doing the dishes, weeding, vacuuming or folding laundry. If you talk to them, offer to take them to a doctor’s appointment or do a grocery or drugstore run for them; you might also consider sending them a gift card for their meals.

DO celebrate their wins, including the small ones

When a person is struggling with their mental health, every day can be full of challenges. So cheer on their accomplishments and victories. This can help affirm their feelings of agency and efficacy. This could look like thanking them for being so honest and vulnerable with you or  congratulating them for going to work or for taking their dog out for regular walks.

Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space.

DO read up on what they’re struggling with

There’s another important burden you can remove from their plate: Having to teach you about mental illness. Instead, take the time to educate yourself on what they’re going through — for example, learning more about depression, panic attacks or anxiety — so you can understand their lived experience and be aware of severe or risky behaviors or symptoms to look out for.

Today, there are so many places online to find informative, helpful content, from peer-reviewed journals and articles by mental health professionals to posts in digital communities and personal essays by people who share in your loved one’s mental-health challenges.

DO check in with them regularly

Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space. Consistently check in (a quick text is fine) with them, keep them company when you can, and remind your friend that you love them and you’re on their side.

DO recognize that not all mental health struggles look the same

Not all mental health challenges or mental illnesses look the same. Some people might struggle as the result of a specific event or circumstance, while other people may be living with a chronic mental illness. If the latter is true for your loved one, don’t expect them to “get over” it as they would with a flu or broken bone.

Meet them where they are, reminding them you understand it’s something they are living with. This can take different forms depending on what they need — this could mean understanding when they cancel plans on you because they’re having a particularly tough day or adapting your plans with them to reflect what they’re able to do.

It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it just like we’d talk about going to a physician for a physical illness.

DO normalize talking about mental health

Don’t wait for them to bring up their struggles, or shy away from being direct with them. It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it in the same way we’d talk about going to a physician or taking medication for a physical illness. You might even consider opening up and being vulnerable when talking about your own mental health so instead of feeling judged, your loved one feels safe being honest with you.

Now, the don’ts:

DON’T compare their experience to others

I really want to drive one point home: Everyone experiences their mental health struggles and mental health illnesses differently. In the guise of trying to make a loved one feel better, you may be tempted to tell them “everyone deals with anxiety [or depression etc] sometimes” or bring up an acquaintance who had the same illness but benefited from a specific strategy, treatment or therapy.

Resist this temptation. Even though saying those things can be helpful in terms of normalizing their experience and making them feel less alone, they can also have the unintended effect of pressuring them to get over it or minimize what they’re feeling.

Another thing to avoid — reminding them of what they have or should be grateful for. Toxic positivity and comparison to others can reinforce the narrative that your loved one’s problems aren’t important.

Avoid using stigmatizing words like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or saying things like “that’s so OCD” or “take a Xanax”

DON’T use stigmatizing language

Be careful how you talk about mental health around your friend (and in general!). Avoid using stigmatizing words  like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or using clinical diagnoses or medications flippantly in conversation — like saying “that’s so OCD” when someone is very organized or telling someone to “take a Xanax” when you want them to calm down. Check your own assumptions surrounding mental health issues, professional mental health care and medication so you aren’t causing your loved one unnecessary pain.

DON’T take their behavior personally

People’s mental health struggles are often not linear or predictable. Maybe your friend is less talkative one day, and maybe your sister keeps rescheduling your phone dates. While you may feel hurt or offended by their actions, don’t automatically assume that they are reflections of how your loved one feels about you.

Instead, use their cues as moments to check in on them, ask what you can do to support them, and remind them that you’re here for them when and if they need.

You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them.

DON’T be confrontational or try to control the situation

When you’re faced with a loved one in pain or distress, it can be really difficult not to get in the metaphorical driver’s seat and forcefully do what you think will relieve their suffering. But in doing this, you’re diminishing their sense of agency. You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them. So don’t be aggressive about what they should or shouldn’t do, and don’t give them ultimatums.

DON’T get discouraged

You may feel helpless when you’re helping and supporting a loved one who is struggling, and you don’t see them making progress. Just because you feel helpless doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful. Your loved one does not expect you to find them the magic solution or to be perfect; instead, they just need you to be present.

DON’T burn yourself out trying to support your loved one

The better you take care of yourself, the better you can be of support to your loved one. Make sure to keep taking care of yourself, doing the things you love and recharging your own batteries while being there for your loved one. Be clear and direct about your boundaries, and find ways to honor what you need to do in order to be able to show up for them.

People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed.

DON’T try to fix them

People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed. By jumping in with solutions and advice when they don’t explicitly ask for it, you’re sending them the message that what they’re going through is wrong or bad when in fact you are projecting your own discomfort with what they’re going through. Realize that your impulse to dive into a fix-it mode can actually be a coping mechanism to ease and absolve your own discomfort or anxiety. Which brings me to my next point …

DON’T avoid the feelings that come up for you

When we see our loved ones grappling with something difficult, chronic or hard to comprehend, it can often bring up our own difficult feelings and our own discomfort or anxiety. When this happens, it’s important not to shove that stuff under the rug. Spend time reflecting on what’s coming up for you.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Are you anxious because you’re scared of what’s going to happen to your loved one? Are you avoiding them because you feel helpless? Are you carrying around your own biases or stigmas around mental illness? Are you on edge because you’re resentful, burned out or just plain confused?

It’s important to get clarity on what’s coming up for you and why, so you can take care of yourself and still be there for your friend. Don’t be ashamed if you find that you could use some support or professional care. One great US-based resource is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which hosts free support groups for people who love someone that’s struggling with their mental health.

Watch Sahaj Kaur Kohli’s TED Conversation now:

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sahaj Kaur Kohli is the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the first and largest mental health and wellness community of its kind for children of immigrants living in the West, where she works to promote bicultural identity and destigmatize therapy. She is also currently pursuing her master’s in clinical mental health counseling. Kohli’s passion lies at the intersection of narrative storytelling and mental health advocacy. A former journalist, she is currently working on a book to be published by Penguin Life.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Stocksy

On TED’s How to Be a Better Human podcast, host Chris Duffy speaks to an exciting mix of world-class researchers, thinkers and doers (read on to find out more!) and learns actionable takeaways that we can all use to improve our days and nights. Read on to learn the advice that he’s personally found the most helpful, and listen to episodes here.

As host of TED’s How to Be a Better Human podcast, I’ve found that one of the most common reactions people have upon hearing about the show is to ask me: “What have you learned from it? And how can I become a better human?”

Well, actually, that’s sugarcoating it a bit. If I’m honest, what really happens when people learn about the show is they raise their eyebrows and look me over, seemingly thinking: “Who the heck are you, podcast boy, to think you can tell us about becoming a better human?”

That’s why I almost always quickly add, “I’m not the better human of the title! The better humans are the guests, and I’m just a regular person trying to understand their ideas.”

That being said, over two seasons and 62 episodes featuring interviews with a fascinating and diverse group of people — including a sleep researcher, a Native American chef, a data journalist and an award-winning Broadway set designer — even a lug like me has  picked up some insights.

Here are the pieces of advice that have stuck in my brain and that I’ve tried to apply in my own life:

1. Improve your relationship — by getting into a love triangle

George Blair-West MD is an Australian relationship expert, researcher and psychiatrist, and he’s been married for 34 years. He told me that the key to a long-lasting relationship of any kind is getting into a love triangle — unfortunately, not the kind you see on a telenovela.

No, what George meant by triangle is taking the same three steps over and over in your relationship.

Step one: You have to trust that when you share something vulnerable with your partner, they will respect your trust and not use it against you.

Step two: You test that trust by sharing something with them that you’re anxious about people knowing about you.

And step three: You keep building intimacy as you do this over and over and realize that your partner will still care about you, despite your shortcomings.

OK, it might not seem as spicy as the other kind of love triangle — but secrets, hidden weaknesses and building a deep, meaningful, passionate love? It’s still pretty good!

George’s advice is something that I think about a lot. Every time I’m afraid to have a conversation with my wife or admit how I’m really feeling to her, I remember George’s point that this is the whole thing! The best way to make your relationship deeper and stronger is by letting yourself be human, admitting the things you’re ashamed of and saying them out loud to your partner. Because when you say them and the other person loves you anyway? Ooh, baby! That’s the good stuff.

Go here to listen to the episode

2. You are bigger than your job

Greta Morgan is a writer and musician whose musical projects include Vampire Weekend, Springtime Carnivore and Gold Motel. She’s toured the world and played in front of huge venues full of adoring fans.

But then one day, she was diagnosed with a vocal disorder — one that took away her ability to sing. Suddenly, her ideas about what her life and her career would look like shifted dramatically.

So what would you do if the thing that defined you disappeared overnight? So many of us have melded our identities with our work, and in the process, we often forget who we really are. When I spoke to Greta, she made such a compelling case for how being forced to redefine herself ended up expanding her understanding of her creativity and resilience.

I’ve similarly struggled with tying my self-worth to my output and my career. Greta offered me a reminder that if we can let go of holding onto our ideas of who we are “supposed to be,” we will allow ourselves to grow and to discover our deeper, more authentic selves.

For me, that means valuing creative work I make and enjoy personally even if it doesn’t sell or make any money. And it means me being open to trying new things, even if they don’t necessarily fit under the umbrella of “comedy,” like writing a blog post for TED about how to be a better human.

Go here to listen to the episode

3. Never be afraid to make trouble

I have never identified with a joke more than when I heard comedian John Mulaney say: “You could pour hot soup on my lap, and I’ll probably apologize to you.”

I hate conflict, and I never want to make a fuss or create an uncomfortable situation. But my conversation with Luvvie Ajayi Jones convinced me this is actually not a trait to be proud of. Instead, standing up against the tide is a muscle I need to develop and grow instead.

Luvvie self-describes herself as a “professional troublemaker.” She says that if we really want to improve the world and tackle the big, important issues, meekly following the rules is not going to cut it. Talking to her completely reframed the idea of “trouble” for me, prompting me to think of it as a necessary step on the path to improvement rather than as a sign that I was being difficult or not a team player. So now I’m trying to assert myself whenever I feel a twinge of “That’s not right.”

A friend makes a problematic joke? Maybe I can have a conversation with them about it and not just laugh awkwardly.

There’s a person on the street who seems lost or confused? Maybe I can check in rather than assuming that they’d ask if they needed help. (Even typing this one makes me a little nervous since I’m imagining an older man yelling at me that he’s not confused or lost and how dare I insinuate he was!)

But I want to tackle these small scale, lower-stakes moments so I can get more comfortable with being uncomfortable. That way, when the big stuff happens, I’ll have the troublemaking muscles to do what needs to be done. I certainly wouldn’t say I’m a professional troublemaker yet, but maybe I’m an aspiring amateur.

Go here to listen to the episode

4. Be the best at having terrible ideas

Frans Johansson has spent his career studying innovation and what makes some ideas truly groundbreaking. One of the things that he’s discovered is it’s easy to find support for your ideas if you’re only making incremental changes.

Let’s say it’s 1970, and you’re working on making home telephones 10 percent more efficient. Everyone at the phone company would have been likely to get on board. But if you told them you were working on an idea to make phones that could work outdoors and without any wires, you’d likely be out in the cold. And yet, looking back, we can see clearly which idea was more valuable.

I’ve been trying to embrace that idea more in my own life — to take bigger swings. Frans says if you want to come up with novel solutions, you have to discard the first few things that come to mind, the obvious answers.

Try something bizarre! It might not work, but as Frans says, “The single most important factor is that you are interrupting your default thought.” Plus, when I set my goal as simply “come up with some terrible ideas” I immediately feel better, because I am so good at having bad ideas. In fact, I’ve decided it’s my specialty.

Go here to listen to the episode

5. Be a better talker — by shutting up

I talk for a living, whether it’s hosting this podcast, doing standup or pitching jokes for a TV show. But still, one of the times I’ve been most terrified when doing this podcast was when I was interviewing Celeste Headlee. She’s an award-winning journalist who has done everything from anchor morning news on public radio to covering presidential campaigns. She’s an expert on great conversations. So the pressure was high to have our conversation be… not terrible, you know?

Luckily, Celeste made my job easy and offered plenty of practical tips including how to pick one conversational skill to work on at a time. This small step can dramatically improve your relationships and your outcomes at work. For me, I’m working on shutting up more and, as Celeste puts it, “not equating talking with conversing.” Because if you want to have a great conversation, it’s not about following any tips and tricks for “seeming engaged” in the conversation – you have to actually be engaged. So I will now shut up.

Go here to listen to the episode

6. And if all else fails, try being perfect

Michael Schur is the comedy writer behind so many of my favorite TV shows, like Saturday Night Live, The Office, Parks and Recreation, The Good Place. (And, very occasionally in front of the scenes, like when he played Dwight’s terrifying cousin Mose in The Office). But Michael’s true passion isn’t jokes; it’s moral philosophy.

In our episode, Michael talked to me about why he’s obsessed with chasing after the eternal, perhaps unanswerable question of “how to be perfect” and why he believes caring about ethics — on any level — can actually make a difference. Whether it’s deciding which brand of environmentally friendly toilet paper I should buy (or should I actually just switch over to an electronic bidet), agonizing over if it’s OK to listen to music made by a terrible person, or deciding if it’s OK to lie in a list of ways to become a better person, I’m comforted by Michael’s reminder that people have been struggling over these questions for thousands of years. (Maybe not these exact questions, I don’t think electronic bidets existed until recently.)

He argues that the right thing to do is engage with the questions rather than ignore them and try to find a moral framework that we can stand by and stick to. I’m not there yet, but I’m thinking more deeply about the ethical quandaries inevitably posed by every decision I make (and I decided I’m just not ready for a bidet quite yet. Maybe next year …)

Go here to listen to the episode

Enjoyed this article? The advice doesn’t end here — we’re just getting started with new weekly episodes of How to Be a Better Human throughout the year. Give it a listen to receive more delicious, useful bites of insight that can help you in all parts of your life here.

Watch this special TED Membership conversation with Luvvie Ajayi Jones now: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Chris Duffy is a comedian, TV writer and radio/podcast host. He has written for National Geographic Explorer and for both seasons of Wyatt Cenac’s Problem Areas on HBO (executive produced by John Oliver). Duffy created the public radio program “You’re the Expert” and currently hosts the streaming show “Wrong Answers Only” for the National Academy of Sciences. He is both a former fifth-grade teacher and a former fifth-grade student.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Stocksy

How would you describe your feelings about social media?

Do words like “entertaining” and “connecting” come to mind — but also words like “exhausting” and “polarized”?

You’re not alone if you find social media to be both a space for staying informed and a space full of a lot of venom and disagreement. These days, that’s the landscape we log into and live in.

Here, Dylan Marron — author, podcast host and instructor of the TED Course “How to connect in a divided world” — explains the challenges that complicate our online conversations and how we can overcome them:

Challenge #1: A constant stream of information demands all our attention

Marron calls this the “Everything Storm.” There’s simply too much information being constantly shared for us to be able to absorb and respond to everything — and yet we’re often compelled to try. As a result, “we end up not knowing what to focus on and ultimately just exhaust ourselves,” Marron says in a lesson from his TED Course. And that’s how we may chime in on topics or  issues that we don’t really care about (or know much about) and say something that’s uninformed, inaccurate or just insensitive.

The solution: Realize that you don’t have to have an opinion about everything

It’s OK — and normal — that there are some topics you know more about and others you know absolutely nothing about, and limit your comments to the former. “By focusing on just one or two topics, by leaning on our own personal experience and not vague references to news stories we only half know, we can escape the storm or at the very least grab an umbrella as it wails around us,” says Marron.

Challenge #2: We have little space on social media to fully express ourselves

On many social platforms, conciseness is key. Some enforce strict character limits, while others tend to give more visibility to messages with fewer words. That’s conducive for speed and efficiency, but nuance and complexity end up falling by the wayside. As Marron puts it, “some of our thoughts are too messy, too complicated, too unformed to whittle them down into a bite-size package.”

The solution: Head to a space where there’s room for you to share complete thoughts

Talking on the phone or in person is ideal, but that’s not always possible. So rather than condensing your opinion into a short reply that’s ripe for misinterpretation, try taking a conversation to someone’s DMs. “Move to platforms and modes of communication that allow us to fully express ourselves without limitation,” Marron says.

Challenge #3: Social media has become a spectacle where we all compete for “likes”

Many parts of the internet have become a battleground, turning all — whether we like it or not — into spectators. We use emojis to cheer and boo, and often the supposed winner of a debate is  the one who gets the most “likes.” While this can sometimes be entertaining, it can interfere with forming genuine connections with other people.

The solution: Exit the arena

Again, this is where direct messages can come in handy. “Find a place far from the audience, where clapbacks and disses aren’t rewarded with instant points, and set up your conversation there,” suggests Marron.

You could start a private message with something like “I wanted to take this conversation here because it’s important to me.”

Challenge #4: We see anyone who disagrees with us as a troll

The above challenges are just a few of the structural hurdles that social media presents. But one of its biggest challenges is its impact on how we interact with — and view — other people. It’s sad but true: Many of us act differently online than we would in real life, often in more hurtful ways.

Internet harassers often see the people they harass as less than human, but “we also have to contend with the fact that our coping mechanism is to regard these harassers as inhuman entities themselves,” says Marron.

When both sides see each other this way, it leaves us all dangerously close-minded, each believing that we are inherently better than the other.

The solution: Remove “troll” from your vocabulary

If you truly want to have a meaningful exchange with someone else, you’ll need to have some empathy for them. In this case, that means “an active refusal to dehumanize even the people who dehumanize others,” says Marron. Remember this: You’re speaking with someone who has a depth of feelings and experiences that have shaped their opinions.

Yes, it can be hard to see haters as human, especially if you’ve never met them in real life. But when you make it a point to approach people online with compassion, you’re on your way to having a conversation that may change perspectives and open doors to new understanding.

Love learning from TED speakers? Get a deeper, more interactive experience with them with TED Courses. Each four-week course is led by experts who will teach you skills for improving your life — whether it’s expanding your imagination and revamping your career to strengthening your memory and building healthy relationships as an adult.

Sign up for Dylan Marron’s TED Course and learn more about bridging gaps and forming meaningful connections. Or, check out our other TED Courses to learn more important skills, from “How to take a life-changing journey” with celebrated travel writer Pico Iyer, to “How to become your best adult self” with educator and author Julie Lythcott-Haims.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hayley Caldwell is a copywriter on the Audience Development team at TED.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

iStock

How do you deal with immense change?

Be honest with yourself: Are you someone who embraces it and evolves with it? Or, do you tend to retreat and stick with what you know?

In our tumultuous times, adaptability — defined as “how well a person reacts to the inevitability of change,” according to venture investor and writer Natalie Fratto in a TED Talk — is a must-have trait. Organizations want team members who can take on new responsibilities and acquire new skills as needed in an uncertain world. Not only is it a quality that you should learn to spot so you can hire and retain the right people, but it’s also one that you should build so you can remain indispensable and employable.

In a typical year, Fratto meets with hundreds of start-up founders and she must determine in the course of a brief conversation whether she wants to invest in them and their company. Adaptability is a characteristic that distinguishes many of those who go on to succeed, according to Fratto.

Adaptability is not just useful in the tech world, but for everyone else, too. “Each of us, as individuals, groups, corporations and even governments are being forced to grapple with more change than ever before in human history,” she points out. And there’s good news ahead: “Adaptability is not fixed,” she adds, noting that everyone has the capacity to measure, test, and improve their ability to adapt to new circumstances.

Here’s her advice on how to assess adaptability in others — and how you can boost it in yourself.

When interviewing people, try asking “what if” questions

Fratto says these force a person to picture multiple possible versions of the future and make their decisions accordingly. Some examples of these questions might be “What if your main revenue stream were to dry up overnight?” or “What if a heat wave prevented customers from visiting your store?” Fratto gets a sense of a candidate’s adaptability based on how many scenarios they’re able to come up with and how strong their vision is.

“People often ask too many questions in an interview,” says Fratto in an interview with TED, “but it’s better to ask four questions and then go deeper” with follow-up questions. One example of a question could be “Describe a difficult change that you’ve recently undergone at work” and a natural follow-up might be: “What would have happened if [different change X] had occurred instead?” This forces the interviewee to consider an alternative past and future.

“Tell me about a time when you were wrong” is another interview question that can yield insights. You can follow it up with “What is the most compelling argument of those who disagreed with you?” Fratto says you can often tell if people are willing to change their minds — and therefore are more adaptable — by asking them to honestly share a time when they believed they were wrong, not when others perceived they were wrong.

Instead of learning, look for signs of “unlearning”

“Unlearning” is another important sign of adaptability, according to Fratto. “Active unlearners seek to challenge what they presume to already know and instead override that data with new information,” she says.

One physical example of unlearning can be found on the ski slopes, where beginner downhill skiers are taught the “pizza” method. When you’re at the top of a hill, you point your skis toward one another — like the tip of a slice of pizza — and holding that shape will stop you from sliding down. But as you grow more comfortable, you can’t become a great skier with the pizza method; you must unlearn it. It’s necessary only to use for a short time until you get comfortable enough to take risks.

While it’s difficult to unlearn certain skills that have been drilled into our brains, it is possible to do so — and embrace change, too. “A person can also unlearn by taking a new vantage point or shifting to another perspective,” says Fratto. Layering on additional learnings can also show a person’s adaptability. “Playing at the intersection of areas where you’re not an expert can together build a new set of skills as a building block,” she adds.

This mindset is especially useful for people who are looking for a new job. If you’re seeking to switch industries, you can embrace unlearning or adjacent learning to find a new position in a different field. By looking at the individual components and pieces of your job — instead of the overall title or position — you can see where your skills might be applied in a different environment. Then, ask yourself, “In which industry is this one skill being underutilized?” and you can move forward, bringing your individual pieces of expertise with you.

Look for signs of exploration

An exploratory mindset can yield clear benefits. As an example, Fratto says after she moved to a new neighborhood, she needed to find a grocery store. She walked out of her apartment, arbitrarily turned left, and found a store a few blocks away which she began to frequent. A few months later, she turned right and stumbled into a grocery store not much further away with a better produce section. In an effort to be efficient, she had stuck with the same-old — and had missed out on something better.

How often do you do that in your own life?

“The path becomes so much more interesting when you wander,” says Fratto. “It’s better to explore and find ways to break habits that you already have, whether that’s trying to watch a movie in a different language, cooking a different cuisine, or walking an alternate route,” she says. These seemingly minor changes allow for crucial vantage point shifts and create the ability for unlearning to happen.

A person’s adaptability isn’t fixed — you can always improve it

“I believe all of us have a strong inherent capability to react to change differently,” says Fratto. “However, adaptability has to be proactive, not reactive. We have to seek it out, exercise it and flex it like a muscle.”

So how can we become more adaptable?

First, play at the intersections. Let’s say you’re an expert at marketing, for instance. If you can also make yourself knowledgeable about podcasts, you can become the translator between these teams. Seek out opportunities to bridge existing gaps at your organization.

Second, occasionally take a devil’s-advocate role at work. In some situations — stay away from high-stakes ones — you might adopt the position of respectful dissenter. This will allow you, your boss and your teammates see things from the other side. This strategy can also help you from getting too attached to your personal ideas and views.

Fratto says in the tech world, there’s an oft-repeated motto “I like leaders who have strong opinions, weakly held.” An important component of adaptability is having the ability to form a strong opinion but release it when new information becomes available and makes it obsolete.

Third, keep a failure resume or log. “It’s helpful to write down the times where you were wrong, changed your mind, or made mistakes,” says Fratto. While many of us view these things with shame or embarrassment, you can start to see them in a positive light — as steps you’ve taken on your professional journey — and learn from them instead.

Watch her TED Talk now: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kara Cutruzzula is a journalist and playwright and writes Brass Ring Daily, a daily motivational newsletter about work, life and creativity.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Stocksy

Want to live a more meaningful life? TED Courses are here to help. Taught by some of your favorite TED speakers, each course will educate you, inspire you and illuminate new ways of being and thinking. Plus, it will connect you with a global community of fellow learners. Go here to find out more. 

Below, a piece of life advice from author Julie Lythcott-Haims, who teaches the TED Course on how you can become your best self.   

In childhood, we’re told: “Don’t talk to strangers.”

But this is short-sighted advice because after we finish high school and move out into the world, everyone we encounter is a stranger. And we’re a social species, which means we need each other.

So instead of avoiding strangers, we need to get good at interacting with them, both to get help when we need it and to be of use to them.

When you give someone eye contact and a smile, it demonstrates “You exist, fellow human,” and it makes them feel good.

Let’s start with actual strangers — like the people you pass on the street or in a store. You may not think you’re in a relationship with them, but you essentially are.

Research shows that when you look right through someone as if they aren’t there, they feel a small sting.

The reverse is also true. When you give someone eye contact and a smile, it demonstrates “You exist, fellow human, I see you,” and it makes them feel good. And you feel good too when they do it back to you.

I appreciate that not everyone can make eye contact or smile for reasons including cultural norms, social anxiety or neurodivergence. But if you can, do.

What about the humans you interact with regularly yet don’t really know, like the baristas at your coffee shop, the clerks at your grocery store, the person at the front desk in your building, your postal carrier and so on?

Researchers call these folks “consequential strangers,” because having them in your life is of consequence to you.

Show them that they matter by saying “How’s your day going?” Learn their name so next time you can say, “Hey, Breonna, how’s your day going?” If you want to really make someone’s day, offer them some gratitude with the simple sentence: “Thank you for being here, George. I appreciate you.”

When you’re kind to someone, you, they and everyone who observes your interaction will get a lift from your act of kindness.

Part of you might think it’s a bit weird to thank them, but keep in mind that they came to work today and their work makes your life easier, right?

And if they’re grumpy, don’t be offended — it’s not about you.

Instead, double down on kindness. Say: “Hey, thanks so much, Michael, I hope you have a good day.” Or kindly say: “Looks like it’s a tough day, Sandra. Hope it gets better.” You, they and everyone who observes this interaction will get a lift from your act of kindness.

Then there are those in your loose network, like neighbors and colleagues. For years, although it’s hard for me to admit this, I’d drive into my driveway after work each day and realize that I didn’t even know my neighbors.

So I formed a monthly writing group with some of them in order to experience the real connections that form from hearing each others’ stories. After doing this, we’ve been more able to do what neighbors do, like borrow sugar or collect mail when someone’s away. What might you do on your street or in your building?

When you see a neighbor, try stopping to ask them how their day’s going.

You have the power to make your community stronger through exchanges like this.

Or if you’re going to the store, ask if you can pick something up for them. Or, you can throw a barbecue or potluck and put out name tags to remove any guilt that people feel for not remembering each others’ names.

Finally, at work, listen for the small things people reveal about their lives.

Whether it’s something good or bad, they’re sharing it for a reason, so I want you to remember it. Within the next couple of days, you don’t have to pry but show them you noticed. Say, “Did you say you’re an uncle now? Congratulations!”; “Sounds like that trip you took was amazing”; “I’m so sorry to hear your family member has been really sick.” If someone went out of their way to do something thoughtful, drop a quick note to say “I saw what you did and it was really kind of you.”

You have the power to make your community stronger through exchanges like this. It’s good for you, it’s good for them, and it’s good for all of us.

Sign up now for Julie Lythcott-Haims’s TED Course called “How to become your best adult self,” which will also tell you how you can build healthy relationships, speak up and show up for the issues you care about. And while you’re at it, check out our other TED Courses. Podcast host Manoush Zomorodi can show you how to make your career more meaningful; neuroscientist Lisa Genova will help you sharpen your memory and keep your brain in shape; and world traveler Pico Iyer will share the secrets to making the most out of your travels (even if it’s just to the next town!). 

Watch Julie Lythcott-Haims’s TED Talk here: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Julie Lythcott-Haims is an author, speaker and activist focused on helping humans find their true north. At its core, her work is about the obstacles that prevent us from being our most authentic selves and how to overcome them. She offers us all an invitation to grow deeper — to continuously return to and strengthen our voice, values, meaning and joy. She holds degrees from Stanford, Harvard Law and California College of the Arts. She started off as a corporate lawyer, a career pathway she admits she originally sought out to gain approval from others. She quickly realized that work was not for her and began working with students in higher education, becoming the Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University. Later, she added “writer” to her list of accomplishments. She is the New York Times bestselling author of parenting guide How to Raise an Adult. Her second book is the critically-acclaimed and award-winning prose poetry memoir Real American, which describes her experience as a Black and biracial person in white spaces. Her third book, Your Turn: How to Be an Adult, has been called a “groundbreakingly frank” guide to adulthood. To learn more about her work, visit julielythcotthaims.com

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Avalon Nuovo

Enjoy acquiring new skills and putting them into action? Well, we’ve got just the thing for you lifelong learners: TED Courses! These new four-week courses offer enriching experiences that help you build tangible skills and brighten your future. Find out more here.

You’ve just walked in the door after your latest adventure.

And whether it was a day trip or a weeks-long voyage, there are ways to make it last a lifetime.

One of the keys to a life-changing journey, says celebrated travel writer and TED Course instructor Pico Iyer, is what you do with it afterwards. This means taking the time to unpack your experiences, and not just your suitcases.

“It’s only when you get back home that you can really begin to understand a trip and implement the changes it may have set into motion inside you,” says Iyer in a lesson from his TED Course on “How to take a life-changing journey.”

To make the most of your travels, he suggests asking yourself three questions when you return:

Question 1: “What moved me most over the course of my trip?”

“For me, it’s nearly always the differences in other cultures that ultimately toll most deeply inside,” says Iyer.

Think about what stood out to you on your trip.

When did you feel moments of joy, wonder, excitement or longing? What are some of the things that you experienced on it that you rarely or never experience in the same way at home?

Was it being face-to-face with natural beauty, like craggy caverns, clear waters or sunny fields?

Or was it something more human, like murals made by local artists, buzzing street markets or nightlife, or crowds of school kids in distinctive uniforms?

Or was it coming face to face with the weight of history in the form of ancient structures, winding streets or time-worn sculptures that connected you to the humans who lived long ago?

Question 2: “What surprised me most on my trip?”

In a trip to Antarctica, Iyer was stunned by unforgettable vistas that were unlike anything he’d encountered. “The vast silences, the colonies of penguins in the snow, the thousand shades of silver,” he recalls. “They were all beyond anything I’d seen or even imagined.”

On your trip, what caught you off guard or made you stop in your tracks?

For Iyer and Antarctica, it was the unimaginable beauty combined with the realization that he and other travelers were contributing to its erosion. He says, “In recent decades, significant steps have been taken to protect that environment. Only smaller ships are permitted to take visitors ashore and the number of people on shore at any time is very strictly limited … But still, we’re damaging the environment just by flying down there.”

Which leads to the final question.

Question 3: “How might my trip move me to think or live my life a little differently?”

Now this is the question that puts the “change” in “life changing.” For example, reflecting on his trip to Antarctica, Iyers asks: “How will we live differently in the light of what we saw there? How much can the strengthened sense of responsibility that arises from witnessing that grandeur offset the cost of traveling around it?”

Perhaps a “strengthened sense of responsibility” might motivate you to do things differently in your daily life — to bike instead of drive, cut down on plastic or volunteer for a clean-up.

But your response doesn’t need to be so literal or direct. Maybe sitting in a sculpture park on your trip will inspire you to notice the shapes of the trees in your yard. Or the colors of the city where you stayed will inspire you to wear a shirt in a particular shade of blue. Or the midday siesta that was common in the country you visited will make you prioritize rest.

“Promise yourself 20 minutes every day to ensure that the journey doesn’t get lost,” says Iyer. “How might you act differently now? Ask yourself how your life is rich in ways you hadn’t imagined before [and] ask yourself how it’s poor.”

Just keep thinking about these three questions — and there’s no predicting what you could learn, how you’ll grow or who you might become.

Go to the TED Courses site to sign up for Pico Iyer’s “How to take a life-changing journey,” where you’ll also learn how to set an intention and choose a destination; how to be fully present while you travel; and how to appreciate and navigate cultural differences.

Plus: While you’re there, check out our other courses, including how to boost your brain and memory with neuroscientist Lisa Genova, nurture your imagination with creatives Charlie Jane Anders and Wanuri Kahiu, and reshape your career with Manoush Zomorodi.  

Watch Pico Iyer’s TEDGlobal Talk here: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hayley Caldwell is a copywriter on the Audience Development team at TED.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Priya Mistry

Tough times are inevitable. Wellbeing and resilience expert Lucy Hone shares the three straightforward tactics that she used to get through her darkest days.

I’d like to start by asking you some questions.

Have you ever lost someone you loved? Had your heart broken? Struggled through an acrimonious divorce or been the victim of infidelity?

Have you ever lived through a natural disaster? Been bullied? Or made redundant from a job?

Ever had a miscarriage or an abortion, or struggled through infertility?

Finally, have you or anyone you loved had to cope with mental illness, dementia, some form of physical impairment, or suicide?

Chances are, you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, and that’s true for most people. Adversity doesn’t discriminate.

If you are alive, you are going to have to deal with some tough times.

I started studying resilience a decade ago at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. It was an amazing time to be there, because the professors who trained me had just picked up a contract to train 1.1 million American soldiers to be mentally fit as a complement to their physical fitness. You don’t get a much more skeptical, discerning audience than American drill sergeants returning from Afghanistan. For someone like me whose main quest in life is trying to work out how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia and bring them to people in their everyday lives, it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

I finished my studies there and returned home to Christchurch, New Zealand, to start my doctoral research. I had just begun that study when the Christchurch earthquakes hit, so I put my research on hold and I started working with my community to help them through that terrible post-quake period. I worked with all sorts of organizations — from government departments to building companies and all sorts of community groups — teaching them the ways of thinking and acting that we know can boost resilience. I thought that was my calling, my moment to put all of that research to good use.

Sadly, I was wrong. My own true test came in 2014 on Queen’s Birthday weekend. We and two other families had decided to go down to Lake Ohau. At the last minute my beautiful 12-year-old daughter, Abi, decided to hop in the car with her best friend Ella, also 12, and Ella’s mom, Sally, a dear friend of mine.

On the way down, a car sped through a stop sign, crashed into them, and instantly killed all three of them. In the blink of an eye, I found myself flung to the other side of the equation, waking up with a whole new identity. Instead of being the resilience expert, I became the grieving mother, trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news with my world smashed to smithereens.

Suddenly, I was the one on the receiving end of all the expert advice — and I didn’t like what I heard one little bit. In the days after Abi died, my husband, Trevor, and I were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement, we were likely to get divorced, and we were at high risk of mental illness. “Wow,” I remember thinking, “Thanks for that.”

Leaflets described the five stages of grief: anger, bargaining, denial, depression, and acceptance. Victim support services arrived at our doorstep and told us we could expect to write off the next five years to grief. I know the leaflets and the resources meant well but in all of that advice, they left us feeling like victims, totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.

I didn’t need to be told how bad things were; I already knew things were truly terrible. What I needed most was hope. I needed a journey through all that anguish, pain and longing. Most of all, I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.

I decided to turn my back on their advice and instead to conduct something of a self-experiment. I’d done the research, I had the tools, and I wanted to know how useful they were now in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb. But I have to confess: At this point I didn’t really know any of this was going to work. Parental bereavement is, after all, widely acknowledged as the hardest of losses to bear. But, five years on, I can tell you that you can rise up from adversity — that it is utterly possible to make yourself think and act in certain ways that help you navigate tough times.

The following are my go-to strategies that I relied upon and saved me in my darkest days. These three tactics underpin all of my work, and they’re readily available to all of us.

1. Know that suffering is part of life.

This doesn’t mean resilient people go so far as to welcome it in — they are not delusional. However, when the tough times come, they seem to know that suffering is part of every human existence. Knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against when challenges arrive.

After Abi died, never once did I find myself thinking, “Why me?” In fact, I remember thinking, “Why not me? Terrible things happen to you just like they do everybody else. This is your life now — time to sink or swim.”

The real tragedy is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer. We live in an age where many of us feel entitled to perfect lives. Shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm when, as all of us know, the very opposite is true.

2. Carefully choose where you’re directing your attention.

I’ve found that resilient people have a habit of realistically appraising situations, and typically they manage to focus on the things they can change and learn to accept the things they can’t. This is a vital and learnable skill.

As humans, we are good at noticing threats and weaknesses. Being wired in this way is important for us and has served us well from an evolutionary perspective. When we were cave people, our ability to ignore a beautiful rainbow and to concentrate on an approaching tiger instead ensured our survival.

The problem is we now live in an era where we are bombarded by different kinds of threats — from unrealistic deadlines and toxic colleagues to mounting bills or just someone stealing a parking lot from us — all day long and our brains treat every single one of those as though they were a tiger. Our stress response is permanently dialed up.

Resilient people have worked out a way of tuning in to the good around them. One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me, I distinctly remember thinking, “You cannot get swallowed up by this — you’ve got so much to live for. Don’t lose what you have to what you have lost.”

In psychology, we call this “benefit-finding.” In my new world, it involved trying to find things to be grateful for. At least, our dear girl hadn’t died from a terrible, long, drawn-out illness. She died suddenly, instantly, sparing us and her that pain. We also had a huge amount of social support from our family and friends to help us through. Most of all, we still had two beautiful boys who needed us and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.

When you’re going through a difficult time, you might need a reminder or permission to feel grateful. In our kitchen, we’ve got a neon-pink poster that says “Accept the good.”

In their work with the US Army, psychologists framed it a little bit differently — they phrased it as “hunting the good stuff.” Find the language that best works for you. Whatever you do, make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort to tune in to what’s good in your world.

3. Ask yourself: “Is what I’m doing helping me or harming me?”

This immensely powerful question is used a lot in therapy, and it was my go-to question in the days after the girls died. I’d ask it again and again.

For example, I asked myself: “Should I go to the trial and see the driver? Would that help me, or would it harm me?” For me, the answer was a no-brainer; I chose to stay away. However, Trevor eventually decided to meet with the driver at a later time.

Late at night, I’d often find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi and getting more and more upset. At a certain point, I’d ask myself: “Is this helping you, or is it harming you?” I realized it was far kinder to myself to put away the photos and go to bed.

This question can be applied to so many different contexts. For example, you might ask yourself: “Is the way I’m thinking and acting helping me or harming me in my bid to get that promotion? To pass that exam? To recover from a heart attack?”

I write a lot about resilience, and this one strategy has prompted more positive feedback than any other. I’ve gotten scores of letters and emails from people saying what a huge impact it’s had on their lives. By asking yourself whether you really need to drink that extra glass of wine, spend another hour on social media, or rehash the same old argument with a family member, you’re putting yourself back in the driver’s seat. It gives you control over your decision making.

Contrary to what many of us think, resilience isn’t a fixed or elusive trait that some people have and some people don’t. In reality, it requires the willingness to try basic strategies like these.

We all have moments in life — when the path we thought we were taking veers off into some terrible direction that we never anticipated and certainly didn’t want. It happened to me, and it was awful beyond imagining.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you think “There’s no way out I’m coming back from this,” I urge you to lean into these strategies. Know that struggle is part of life, don’t let your attention get fixated exclusively on the negative, and consider if the way you are thinking and acting is helping you or harming you.

I won’t pretend that thinking like this is always easy and it also doesn’t remove all the pain. However, during the last five years, I’ve learned that thinking this way really does help. More than anything, it’s shown me that it is possible to live and grieve at the same time.

This piece was adapted from a TEDxChristchurch Talk. Watch it now:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lucy Hone is a codirector at the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience and a research associate at AUT University in Auckland. She is also the author of the book Resilient Grieving.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Jorge Cuadal Calle

If you are an adult of working age, you’ve probably heard about the Great Resignation, whether it’s from the news, social media, your coworkers or friends. 

It’s a worldwide movement that has many of us  leaving our jobs — or wondering whether it’s indeed time for us to go.

In this excerpt from an episode of his WorkLife podcast, organizational psychologist Adam Grant learns what we all should consider first before we quit our jobs:

WorkLife host Adam Grant: Over the past year, millions of people have been quitting their jobs.  The Great Resignation has liberated some people from miserable jobs and abusive bosses. But for others, this whole movement has already become the Great Regret.

Before you decide to quit, too, consider the reality that some of the people who resigned last year have decided it was a mistake.

Meet Anthony C. Klotz. Anthony is a management professor at Texas A&M, where he’s an expert on quitting (yes, he even coined the term “The Great Resignation”).

Anthony C. Klotz: Certainly a significant percentage of these individuals who are quitting will experience regret at different times. Because all of a sudden the things, the reasons that you’re leaving sort of melt away once you resign.

Adam: Recently, psychologists followed thousands of people who voluntarily quit their jobs to find out what happened to their well-being over the next decade.  It was the largest and longest study of its kind. And the outcomes weren’t good. Even though people left because they were dissatisfied, they actually became more dissatisfied in their new jobs for over a year afterward.

So how do you know when it’s actually time to go? If you can afford it and you have a depressing job or an abusive boss, run for the hills!

But if your work is bearable, it’s harder to decide when — and how — to leave. Whatever job or industry you’re in, evidence suggests that before you quit, it’s worth considering three factors: Voice, Loyalty, and Alternatives.

The first question is Voice: Do you have a say in improving your current situation?

Anthony: Companies are very keen to help employees job craft, and turn the job they have into the job they want. And so if you’re leaving because you don’t like one thing in your job or you don’t like 20 percent of your job, bring that 20 percent to your boss or to your HR manager and say, “Is there a way that I can improve this rather than going to another organization where you get rid of the 20 percent of your job that you don’t like and you get over to that company and you’re like, ‘Ah, they don’t have that problem [but] they’ve just got these five other problems that I didn’t consider?’”

Adam: If Voice doesn’t improve your experience, the next question is Loyalty. Do you care enough about the organization’s mission and the people to stick around?

If the answer is No, then it’s time to consider whether you have compelling Alternatives.  Along with the factors pushing you away from your current job, are there viable options that you feel pulled toward? Are you drawn to a more interesting role, a great mentor or a better learning culture? This past year, I’ve noticed some people not really considering their Alternatives before walking away.

But Anthony pointed out to me that alternatives are more readily available now than they were before.

Anthony: I should say, there’s a lot of opportunities for gig work. There’s a lot of opportunities to make some money online. And so I think what happened during the pandemic was this forced minimization [and] a lot of the expenses that we had prior to the pandemic went away. A lot of individuals are not bringing those expenses back into their life, and they’re saying, “I’ve got a little bit of money saved for some period of time, and so I want to take a break because I’m burnt out or I want to pursue some other venture for a little while.”

Don’t miss this season of Adam Grant’s WorkLife podcast! So far, episodes have covered leadership lessons that we can all learn from Zelensky and Putin, the importance of flexibility at work (and what it really means), and how the one-and-only Dolly Parton (yes, Adam talked to her!) avoids burnout. 

Watch his latest TED Talk — all about beating the blahs — here:

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This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Nata Schepy

Our working situations have changed dramatically since early 2020.

The COVID-19 pandemic caused many people to lose their jobs, and companies around the world made the move to remote work. For example, by June 2020, 42 percent of the US labor force were working from home, and 46 percent of employees in London reported working from home at some point in 2020. Over the past year, we’ve nailed the bed-to-Zoom commute: We can be up, presentably dressed (our top half at least), hydrated, caffeinated and in front of the screen in minutes.

Despite the challenges of making our living space into our working space, we’ve gotten used to the comforts of working from home, and surveys show that employees are feeling anxious about returning to the office. As vaccination rates rise and COVID cases drop, more of us are being asked to go back to in-person workplaces. So how can we make this transition easier?

Here are 6 tips for returning:

1. Be compassionate with yourself, and others

The shift to home working was sudden, and that kind of change was psychologically jarring and therefore negative for most people, according to Meag-gan O’Reilly PhD, a psychologist at Stanford, cofounder of Inherent Value Psychology Inc. What’s more, this shift was combined with uncertainty about the future; the loss of autonomy, freedom and connection that came with lockdown; and a level of loss and grief that was unprecedented for many of us.

Being at home all the time and losing familiar structures and routines led some of us to overwork — which might have included taking up new hobbies with overly high expectations — while others struggled to focus. “If you pride yourself on having a good work ethic, that may have hit your sense of self and self-esteem,” O’Reilly says. “I think people were unfairly blaming themselves for struggling. When you’re going through something unprecedented, there’s no bar for this.”

The pandemic also highlighted existing inequalities. O’Reilly asks: “Who was getting the virus more? Black and brown communities, because they’re more likely to be essential workers that deal with people. So for people who are Black and brown, we had to sit and hold and deal with this history and this very present racism, sexism and classism.” At the same time, the murder of George Floyd and continued episodes of police brutality brought grief and trauma to the fore for so many and contributed to feelings of discomfort or othering at work, based upon how employers responded to the movement for Black lives.

Consider the things that have changed for you this year and decide what elements you want to keep.

Besides these huge societal issues were the minutiae — the cancelled holidays, birthdays over Zoom instead of in person, not being able to hug loved ones or even stop by a coworker’s desk to say “hello” in the morning.  We lost or had to adjust the little daily routines that make up our lives, and as many of us are exiting crisis mode, it’s time to take stock of both what your life is like now and what it used to be like.

O’Reilly says it’s important to acknowledge the journey you’ve been on in the past 20 months and give yourself compassion and empathy. Consider the things that have changed for you this year, and decide what elements you want to keep.

“One of the elements I hope all of us keep as we return to work is this idea of shared humanity,” she says. “When we were all Zooming in, we had kids running in the background, our pets jumping up on our laps. People got to see us as more fully human, and that allowed everyone else to give more grace.”

2. Be intentional with your time and energy, and set realistic expectations

If a commute is part of your return to the office, your time is likely to be squeezed during this transition. “We need to accept that we can’t show up everywhere,” O’Reilly says. “Stretching and hustling and trying to be everywhere is not only futile, but it’s exhausting. And it’s trying to solve the wrong problem.”

Instead, she encourages people to think about what projects, teams, activities and individuals they want to be more connected with. How can you show up where you want to be? How are you going to distribute your finite energy and time intentionally? Are there certain things you’ve invested time or energy in that you want to continue? Or leave behind?

If you’re preparing to return to in-person work, you need to understand what it will look like. Companies are taking different approaches, but one thing’s certain, says US-based Rebecca Henderson, CEO of Randstad Global Businesses, which provides HR services. “We’re not going back to what it was pre-pandemic. There are going to be limitations on how people will be getting together.” This could mean that lunch break spaces, meeting rooms and even restrooms may look very different than before.

Another important consideration is vaccination. Not everyone will choose to be vaccinated, and companies will need to decide how to approach this. Get to know the reality you’re heading back into. What are the rules where you work? Are you comfortable with the safety measures your employer has established? Ask questions, and read the information provided by your workplace. Then imagine the situation and give yourself time to adjust to it mentally.

3. Establish a new routine (and wake up early enough to do it!)

Working from home, you’ve probably mastered the art of hopping on Zoom at the last minute. The thought of a morning routine might seem like a distant memory.

Think about how you can bridge your current routine with the one you need. Figure out what time you need to wake up and what support you might need at home. “Start thinking about building in small pieces of the routine into your current schedule, so you can scaffold up to what you’re going to need to do,” explains O’Reilly.

Reawaken old habits. Give yourself time to prepare meals if you need to bring lunch to work, or to pick out and iron the work clothes that haven’t left your closet in so long.

This shift back to the office gives you the chance to set your boundaries in terms of availability, communication, and when and where you work.

There could also be new layers of routine during your working day. Perhaps you have to book a particular time slot or day to work in the office, take an extra few minutes to sign in to your building in the morning or undertake a health screening.

And if your workplace is taking a staggered approach to staffing, you might need to plan ahead to make sure you get the benefits of socializing again. Try to coordinate with someone you usually work with, Henderson says. “I really encourage folks to have a routine – a well-defined schedule that you potentially match up with your colleagues. Otherwise, you run the risk of going back to the office but still feeling alone.”

4. Set your boundaries

Working from home blurred a lot of boundaries. When you’re sitting at a makeshift desk in your bedroom or kitchen, it can be almost impossible to separate work from home. “You could be having dinner with your family, yet you’re still working,” says O’Reilly. “You’re more accessible – people can email you anytime, so the boundary gets lost.”

This shift back to the office gives you the chance to set your boundaries in terms of availability, communication and when and where you work. Do you want to turn off your emails at certain times? Do you prefer to communicate by Slack or video call? Are weekly check-in meetings most effective? Think about what works best for your productivity and your mental health, and share these findings with your employer and colleagues.

Suddenly being around a lot of people again could come as a shock to the system.

You may feel that you work better from home. Employers are open to different approaches, and this can make it easier for you to establish new boundaries. According to a report by the Welsh Government, working from home is a trend that has been increasing since 1981 in the UK, reaching a maximum of 43.1 percent of employees in April 2020. The Work After Lockdown research project suggests it won’t be entirely reversed.

“For sure, employers have changed their attitude about productivity at home,” Henderson says. “For many years, a lot of employers didn’t like the work from home scenario because they didn’t feel like they could get their hands on productivity metrics. I don’t believe there are any employers who believe that any longer.”

You might also want to think about your sensory boundaries as you return to a crowded office. Suddenly being around a lot of people again could come as a shock to the system. If it’s not possible to return to work in phases, O’Reilly recommends getting away from the screen regularly. “Inject some ‘admin time’ into the day, and instead of catching up on paperwork, have a sensory break,” says O’Reilly. “Step outside, and close your eyes. Do some breathing or stretching, or engage in some meditation.”

5. When you reconnect with people, remember they’ve also been through a lot

Socializing is an important aspect of work, but it’s a big source of anxiety for many. After more than a year conversing with colleagues through screens, you may be worried about being socially awkward. Practice can help here: Go out, talk to people at the store or in the street, and start brushing up on your small talk. Treat yourself with kindness, and take it slowly.

Your colleagues may have lost someone, or seen a family member become disabled because of long COVID.

Then there’s the physical aspect: We need to think about hugs versus elbow bumps, and consider people’s differing levels of comfort with contact. “There need to be conversations around how people want to reconnect, how much or how little, and all that can be daunting for people,” O’Reilly says.

Everyone has experienced the pandemic differently, and some are excited to return to work. So how can you handle this when you’re anxious? In O’Reilly’s opinion, someone who is already struggling shouldn’t have to constantly advocate for themselves, and this is why a compassionate workplace is essential. But sometimes it may be necessary to make yourself heard and speak up for what you require. Those who are excited should be mindful, ask questions and make space for people who are anxious.

No matter where you are on the excitement spectrum, keep in mind what people have been through. Your colleagues may have lost someone or seen a family member become disabled because of long COVID, or they themselves may be struggling with recovery in ways that are invisible. “Take some time to check in and calibrate with people, because that’s going to show up in their work life in some way,” O’Reilly says. “Some people aren’t going to be happy, some people are still grieving, and some people are still losing people. Let’s not forget that.”

Plus: Be mindful of wider issues that have come to the fore during the pandemic. Many of O’Reilly’s private practice clients are Black, Indigenous and people of color (BIPOC), and some of them experienced a reprieve by not being in the office. “They dealt with fewer microaggressions and less toxic culture, especially as police violence, Black Lives Matter and the loss of Black lives was in the news. They didn’t have to go to work and answer questions in person. They had that digital distance that gave them a little privacy.”

There are things you can do to be more aware and compassionate about the experience of your BIPOC colleagues, O’Reilly says. “First, remember Black Lives Still Matter. Second, check in but do not demand or expect to be let into someone’s process. Just leave them an open invitation. And third, continue doing your work as an ally. Be on the lookout for microaggressions, emotional labor and when your BIPOC peers are being dismissed or treated inequitably.”

When we ask our peers and coworkers how the pandemic was, we should include racial trauma.

She also urges people to remember that during the COVID-19 pandemic, there was also many incidences of police violence that traumatized people in the Black community. “When we ask our peers and coworkers how the pandemic was, we should include racial trauma. You could say something like ‘COVID is hard. When you’re ready or want to share, I also want to know how all the loss and racial trauma is for you.’”

6. Prepare to take care of your mental health

It’s totally normal to plan for anxiety — after all, we do this all the time for big, anxiety-provoking events like weddings and births. O’Reilly recommends following three steps: Pin down a date to return to the office, have an internal conversation about how you’re feeling, and talk to people about it. “Free-floating anxiety is worse than specific worries,” O’Reilly says. “Having an anchor date is grounding, so it’s not sudden or unknown. Asking yourself questions helps you attend to your feelings and adapt to the stressors.”

For example, if you identify that you’re anxious about attending a meeting, this might mean planning to sit at the back of the room. Talking to others — gathering a community — will give you support for managing your anxiety. But O’Reilly says it can go much further. “I think mental health got a big spotlight during this pandemic, finally, in a way that wasn’t as stigmatized, because we were all going through it,” she says. “I want people to know they’re not the only ones. We always do better when we don’t feel alone.”

Watch Dr. Meag-gan O’Reilly’s TEDxSJSU Talk here: 

Allie Sullberg

It’s happened to all of us.

You’re sitting down for dinner with an old friend to catch up. You’re in the middle of sharing an anecdote when their phone dings. Their eyes shift to the screen, and they slide their device into their lap to send a reply.

Most of us have been on both sides of this scenario, and while it may seem harmless, these kinds of distractions during our everyday interactions can make people feel unheard or unimportant, fragment our attention, and hurt our relationships. On the other hand, research shows that active listening — putting your full focus on your conversational partner to truly understand their message — can help us anticipate problems, resolve conflicts, expand our knowledge and build trust.

Like any skill, active listening can be practiced and cultivated. Here are three key ways to become a better listener:

1. Put away your phone (and other distractions)

Have you ever had your work email open with a movie playing in the background while you’re also texting with a friend? When we multitask, our attention is divided between multiple streams of information — and we’re not great at taking it all in.

In his TED Talk, musician and “Song Exploder” podcast host Hrishikesh Hirway compares multitasking to “trying to listen to a song while singing a different song in your head.” As he points out, “You can’t do it — or you can’t do it well. And you can’t fully appreciate what someone else is saying if you’re thinking about something else.”

“The instinct to multitask is so hard to turn off, but it’s so important that you do it,” says musician and podcast host Hrishikesh Hirway.

This might not be a big deal when the stakes are low, like you’re watching TV while knitting a scarf. But when the tasks are more complex — like watching TV while texting with a friend who’s in a crisis or studying for an exam — multitasking can have a negative impact. If you really want to be an active, empathic listener, you need to put away your devices and be fully present. And yes, we know it’s easier said than done. “The instinct to multitask is so hard to turn off, but it’s so important that you do it,” Hirway says.

Our distractions aren’t always external, either. Studies have shown that mind-wandering — when your focus shifts away from the present moment and towards your internal thoughts and feelings — can lead to decreased mood, task performance and reading comprehension. So when you find yourself zoning out or daydreaming during a conversation, just recognize that it’s happening and bring yourself back to what’s going on right in front of you.

2. Reflect back what you’ve heard

A big part of active listening is, well, listening. But the best listeners aren’t just statues absorbing information — they also know what to say and when to say it.

DO:

— Ask questions. Posing clarifying or open-ended questions says to the other person you’re paying attention and encourages them to elaborate. It can also help them gain new insights and explore avenues they haven’t previously thought of.

— Summarize. Periodically paraphrasing the other person’s message can help make them feel seen and heard and build trust. To do this, use phrases like “What I’m hearing you say is …” or “I can understand how that situation could make you feel like …”

— Listen without judgment. Make the other person feel supported and safe — and not judged. This means being accepting of their beliefs, values and experiences, even when they’re different from your own.

Silences do serve a function — they give both the speaker and listener the space to process the information being shared.

DON’T:

— Give in to the pressure to fill silences. Even though gaps in a conversation can feel awkward, silences do serve a function — they give both the speaker and listener the space to process the information being shared. This can ultimately lead to deeper, more thoughtful conversations.

— Jump in with your own story. “I used to think that this was actually the best way to show that I was really listening,” Hirway says. “Someone would tell me something and I’d say, ‘That reminds me of this thing that happened to me,’ and then I would tell a whole story of my own.” Instead, stay engaged without making it all about you.

3. Let nonverbal cues speak for you, too

“I’m also a big believer in the power of nonverbal communication,” Hirway says. “Just the simple act of a nod is a way to let the other person know that you’re engaged and also invites them to keep going and say more. That kind of intentional, engaged silence makes space for them.”

Nonverbal communication — the ways we express thoughts or messages without speech, like our facial expressions, body movement, posture, eye contact or touch — can be just as powerful as what we say out loud.

Let the other person know that you’re engaged, and do it without taking your focus away from them and turning it onto you.

That’s because our facial expressions reflect our internal states — and this is a vital social skill that we begin developing from an early age. In fact, studies show that infants have a visual preference for faces, especially those with open eyes and a direct gaze.

While it’s important to note that there are cultural differences in nonverbal communication, here are some basics:

— Make eye contact. Direct eye contact is a fundamental nonverbal communication skill — it signals healthy bonding between mothers and infants and impacts trust between patients and physicians. Simply put: Looking someone in the eye while they’re speaking indicates that you’re interested and invites them to continue sharing. Experts recommend using the 50/70 rule: Try to maintain eye contact 50 percent of the time when speaking, and 70 percent of the time when listening.

— Have an open posture. Active listeners often lean slightly towards the other person or tilt their head. On the other hand, if you turn away from them or look away while they’re speaking, you’ll likely appear disengaged.

— Mirror facial expressions. Reflecting the other person’s emotions can show you empathize. And when your facial expressions don’t match what they’re saying — for example, smiling while they’re telling you about a past challenge — it can seem like you’re not paying attention or you’re not taking them seriously.

Ultimately, being a great listener takes practice — and we may not always get it right. But if you can remember these few simple steps, you’ll be well on your way. “Be open to new ideas. Stop multitasking,” Hirway says. “Let the other person know that you’re engaged, and do it without taking your focus away from them and turning it onto you.”

Watch Hrishikesh Hirway’s full talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Gulnaz Khan is the Climate Editor at TED. Find her @gulnazkhan

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.