Eugenia Mello

People who have greater levels of self-compassion tend to be more motivated, less lazy, and more successful over time. But just as important, they like themselves even when they fall short.

Psychologist Susan David explains how you can cultivate this quality.

One of the great myths of self-compassion is that it’s about lying to yourself. Or, that it’s about being weak or being lazy. Another myth is that it’s about pushing aside your difficult thoughts and saying, “Now I’m going to tell myself five positive things.”

That’s not self-compassion. When you are self-compassionate, you’re actually doing something very specific for yourself — you’re noticing difficult thoughts, showing up for them, and creating a sense of psychological safety for yourself.

You’re creating a space in which you feel able to take risks. If you beat yourself up whenever you fail or fall short, this naturally inhibits you from trying new things and taking chances. But when you’re self-compassionate, you know that even if you fail, you’ll still like yourself. In this way, self-compassion gives you the ability to experiment and explore, and to be courageous.

In research studies, people who have greater levels of self-compassion tend to be more motivated, less lazy, and more successful over time. They still recognize where they’ve gone wrong, but rather than getting caught up in blame and judgement, they can learn from the experience and adapt and change course for the next time.

So how can you cultivate self-compassion? Start by ending the tug-of-war inside yourself. In a research study that looked at more than 70,000 people, I found about one-third of the participants judged their normal experiences and emotions as being “good” or “bad”, “positive” or “negative”. When you evaluate your life in such a black-and-white way, you’re entering into an internal tug-of-war — you criticize yourself whenever you feel “bad” or “negative” emotions and whenever you don’t feel “good” or “positive” emotions.

To stop the tug-of-war, simply drop the rope. When we experience a challenging emotion like sadness or disappointment, many of us respond by telling ourselves: “This is bad; I shouldn’t be feeling this. Why can’t I be more positive?!?” And then we follow up this judgement with more judgement — we berate ourselves for not being self-compassionate. Next time that happens, try saying to yourself, “I’m feeling sad. What is this sadness a signpost of? What is it pointing to that’s important to me? What is it teaching me?”

Think of your difficult emotions and thoughts as data. They can provide you with valuable information about who you are and what really matters. Self-compassion allows you to acknowledge and accept all of your feelings, even when they’re negative. For instance, you might notice that you’re feeling really frustrated at work. So ask yourself: “What is that frustration a signpost of? What is it telling me about what’s important to me?”

For one person, frustration might be a signpost that their voice isn’t being heard. For another person, that frustration might be a signpost that they’re not growing in their job. By asking questions about your uncomfortable emotions, you’re gaining a greater level of perspective about yourself and engaging your curiosity about who you are as a human being.

When you can get curious about your experiences, you’re 50 percent of the way to being self-compassionate. Because at that moment, you’re not judging yourself and your emotions. Instead, you’re looking at them and learning from them. You can also use this process to figure out the wisest action to take. Follow up your observations by asking yourself: “What could I do in this situation that would best serve me, my values and my goals?”

If you find yourself having trouble being self-compassionate, don’t beat yourself up. When you’re having a lack-of-self-compassion day, it’s really important to not criticize yourself. One thing that can help is to look at yourself from a different angle. We’ve all got a child version of ourselves who lives inside us.

Imagine if a child came to you and said, “No one wants to be with me” or “I’m feeling sad” or “I tried to do well in this project but I wasn’t successful,” would you punish them? Of course not. You’d put your arms around them, you’d love them, you’d listen to them, and you’d see them. Sometimes, as an adult when we lack self-compassion, it can help to connect with the child in you and find out what they need. So when you’re struggling to access self-compassion, ask: “I notice that I’m feeling X emotion. What is it that the child in me needs right now?”

Ultimately, self compassion is about recognizing what it means to be human. Discomfort, stress, disappointment, loss and pain are all part of the human journey. If we are not able to enter into a space of kindness to ourselves, we’re putting ourselves at odds with the reality of life. Another hallmark of humanity is imperfection: To be human is to be imperfect and to make mistakes. Self-compassion is a necessary part of our journey; it’s about recognizing that you are doing the best you can — with who you are, with what you’ve got, and with the resources that you’ve been given.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Susan David is a psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, cofounder and codirector of the Institute of Coaching at McLean Hospital, and CEO of Evidence Based Psychology, a business consultancy.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

How do you teach kindness, acceptance and empathy to kids? We asked TED-Ed Innovative Educators to share their favorite ways to promote inclusive and positive social interaction in the classroom. Below, 6 effective ways to stop bullying and teach kindness to kids.

To combat bullying, show the ‘To This Day’ animated video. “I like this video because it relates to both poetry and bullying, and the strong animated images move at the same pace as Shane Koyczan’s poem,” says high school English teacher Evanthia Poyiatzi. Watch the ‘To This Day’ animated video here.

To teach kindness, ask kids how they want to be remembered. Do you want to be remembered as a bully, as a bystander…or as a kind and thoughtful hero? Questions like this one can make it easier for students to “get” the consequences of their everyday actions, notes middle school teacher Eric Johnson. For more questions, an extensive list of anti-bullying resources, and Eric’s 5-day lesson plan to help you teach kindness, go to EraseMeanness.org.

Try a student doodle challenge. One teacher challenged students to doodle about kindness. They could take the letters in the word “kindness” and doodle using the letters, or they could doodle anything that came to mind with regard to kindness. This student doodle is one result. It says “be kind.”

Teach good listening habits — by acting out bad habits. “I’ve found that one of the biggest hindrances to positive social interaction is the inability to listen well,” says one teacher. ”So I do the following exercise. First, I give each student a bad listening habit (looks at clock, interrupts regularly, makes the conversation all about himself/herself, focuses on other things besides the speaker, asks to use the bathroom in the middle of the conversation, answers mobile phone, etc). Then, I ask students to purposefully behave this way while discussing a prompt, and have students mingle around the room so they can meet a range of behaviors. Last, we debrief and share what it feels like to speak to someone with each of these bad listening habits. Students have fun behaving “badly” and develop an understanding of how their potential behavior can negatively affect someone else.”

Model polite behavior and kindness. ”I hear so many adults speak to kids in a condescending and even insulting tone. We need to say please and thank you and apologize when we make a mistake,” says English teacher Mitzi Stover. She adds, “This is not to say that we don’t have authority and need to exert it at times, but it is possible to be firm and kind.”

Show a StoryCorps video about the strength of allies. English teacher Josefino Rivera Jr. created this TED-Ed Lesson around a StoryCorps video in honor of Ally Week. He explains: “#AllyWeek is an international youth-led event encouraging students (and staff) to be allies with the lesbian, gay, transgender and bisexual members of their community in standing against bullying and name-calling, as well as developing skills to become stronger allies.” To help students develop the skills to become stronger allies right now, watch the StoryCorps video here.

Interesting in becoming a TED-Ed Innovative Educator? Fill out the application here.

Featured image from TED-Ed Animation: Rethinking Thinking.