Maria Medem

Have you ever been asked “What’s your love language?”

Chances are, you have. Because the concept — first created by counselor and pastor Gary Chapman, unpacked in a series of books, and picked up by many others — has spread far and wide. The five love languages refer to the five simple ways that we want love to be shown to us and the ways that we show others love.

I’m a relationship researcher, and while I haven’t empirically studied the love languages concept, other academics have. Some of the published studies confirm the validity of love languages, revealing they can increase people’s relationship satisfaction and longevity.

What I find so helpful about love languages is that they express a basic truth. Implicit to the concept is a common-sense idea: We don’t feel or experience love in the same way. Some of us will only be content when we hear the words “I love you,” some prize quality time together, while some will feel most cared for when our partner scrubs the toilet.

In this way, love is a bit like a country’s currency: One coin or bill has great value in a particular country, less value in the countries that border it, and zero value in many other countries. In relationships, it’s essential to learn the emotional currency of the humans we hold dear and identifying their love language is part of it.

No matter your situation — whether you’re living alone, spending 24/7 with a partner or roommates, living with adult kids or steering younger kids through virtual school —  the five love languages are a highly effective set of tools to have in your relational toolkit. When we know what another person’s love language is, we can choose the gestures that will most resonate with our partner, friend, parent or child. And when we know which actions speak to us and make us feel loved, we can ask other people for exactly what we need.

While there are plenty of online quizzes to tell you what your love language is, it’s easy to figure out yours and what your loved ones’ are by looking at what lights them up, what presents they give you (since many of us bestow on others what we would most like), and what their perfect day would look and feel like.

Here’s a look at the five languages and how they can be applied and optimized — even during a pandemic:

Love language #1: Words of affirmation

Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them. For example: “I really loved it when you made dinner last night”; “Wow, it was so nice of you to organize that neighborhood bonfire”; or just “I love you.”

For the people in your life that you’re not seeing in person because of the pandemic, you could film a short video to send them. My kindergarten-aged goddaughter and I haven’t been together  in 7+ months, but we text each other silly videos of us saying — or even singing — what we miss most about each other.

And for the people you are seeing all of the time these days, remember that even making tiny gestures matters. This is my primary love language, and my husband of 29 years knows it. I’ll often wake up and go into the kitchen to find a sweet post-it note next to a glass of ice water on the counter (which is another love language — an act of service).

Love language #2: Acts of service

Some of us feel most loved when others lend a helping hand or do something kind for us. A friend of mine is currently going through chemotherapy and radiation, putting her at high risk for COVID-19 and other infections. Knowing that her love language is acts of service, a group of neighbor friends snuck over under the cover of darkness in December and filled her flower pots in front of her house with holiday flowers and sprigs. Others have committed to shoveling her driveway all winter. (It’s Minnesota, so that’s big love.)

In your home, you could be proactive and do something that eases your person’s daily grind. Why not take on the chore that everyone avoids doing, whether that’s cleaning the oven, changing the litter box, scraping ice off the car, or filling and running the dishwasher? For anyone whose love tank is filled up by people pitching in, seeing someone intentionally scanning the environment to figure out what they can do to make their environment better sends a clear and loving message to them.

Love language #3: Gifts

Those of us whose love language is gifts aren’t necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, it’s the thought that counts.

When you’re out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommate’s favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter — whose love language is gifts — is a junior in college and we know she’ll adore what’s in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. It’s an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.

Love language #4: Quality time

Having another person’s undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, it’s actually one of the easiest to engage in.

Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues you’ve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse — no phones or “I’m just going to turn on the TV for a second” distractions allowed. Nothing says “I love you” in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.

Love language #5: Physical touch

Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.

I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub — literally. They’d do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, they’re experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.

While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone who’s overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace — something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person — can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.

Love languages are a worthwhile concept to become fluent in during this pandemic time — and at this time in the world. Long before COVID arrived on the scene, we were already living through an epidemic of loneliness. Loneliness is not just about being alone; it’s about experiencing a lack of satisfying emotional connections. By taking the time to learn each other’s love languages and then using them, we can strengthen our relationships and our bonds to others.

Watch Carol Bruess’s TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carol Bruess PhD Carol Bruess (rhymes with “peace”) is professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas, Minnesota; resident scholar at St. Norbert College, Wisconsin; and forever passionate about studying and improving relationships. She is fluent in emoji, loves parentheticals (it’s what all the cool kids are doing), and is happy-dancing her way through empty-nesting (although don’t tell her kids; they think she’s all weepy). Check out her five books and sewing/design shenanigans over at www.carolbruess.com

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

It’s never too late — or too early — to learn the abilities that make up romantic competence: insight, mutuality and emotional regulation.

And when you possess these skills, all of the relationships in your life will benefit, says psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila.

“We may know what a healthy relationship looks like, but most people have no idea how to get one — and no one teaches us how to do so.” That’s what Joanne Davila, a professor of psychology and the director of clinical training at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, New York, contends in a TEDxSBU talk.

Instruction about healthy relationships exists in the form of couples therapy or premarital counseling, which means either when a marriage is foundering or before it’s even begun. Those are both too late, says Davila. Wait a second — how is premarital counseling too late? “Because people have already selected the person they want to commit their life to,” she explains. “What if they selected poorly? No amount of premarital education can make up for a bad partner choice.”

In an effort to address this gap, Davila and her colleagues are studying what they call “romantic competence.” Romantic competence is, as she puts it, “the ability to function adaptively across all areas or all aspects of the relationship process [including] … figuring out what you need, finding the right person, building a healthy relationship, [and] getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.”

According to Davila and her colleagues, there are three core skills behind romantic competence: insight, mutuality and emotion regulation. “Let me say that we didn’t just make these up out of the blue,” she explains. “We identified the skills based on a thorough review of theory and research. The skills really represent the commonalities across the major theories and research findings on healthy relationships. Because they represent the commonalities, we think they really can help people with all the different parts of the relationship process, and with all different people – whether they’re in a relationship or not.”

The first skill is insight.

“Insight is about awareness and understanding and learning,” says Davila. “With insight, you’ll have a better idea of who you are, what you need, what you want, and why you do the things you do.” For example, let’s say you’re being really testy with your partner. If you possess insight, she says, “you might notice or realize that it’s not that your partner is doing anything; it’s actually that you’re really stressed out at work, and what you really need is to relax a little bit so it doesn’t bleed into your relationship.”

“With insight, you’ll be able to anticipate the positive and negative consequences of your behavior,” says Davila. Having insight means realizing when you say “thank you” after your partner hands you a coffee with a ½ teaspoon of sugar and a slug of oat milk – just how you like it – both of you will feel appreciated. Conversely, it also means knowing that when you forget to say “thank you” or delay responding to one of their texts for no good reason, they’ll probably feel annoyed or hurt.

“Insight will also let you know your partner better,” says Davila. “Let’s say your partner shows up late for a date. With insight, you’ll know why. For example, maybe your partner is late for everything. It’s nothing about you or the relationship. That’s just who your partner is.”

The second skill is mutuality.

“Mutuality is about knowing that both people have needs and that both sets of needs matter,” says Davila. “With mutuality, you’ll be able to convey your own needs in a clear direct fashion; that increases the likelihood you’ll get them met.”

Davila provides an example to illustrate how you might communicate your wishes. “Let’s say you have to go to a really stressful family event, and you’d like your partner to be there with you. You might say directly: ‘You know, this is going to be stressful for me. I’d really love for you to be there; you’ll be a really good buffer for me. Is there any way you can clear your schedule to come with me?’”

Of course, mutuality is about ensuring your partner’s needs are addressed, too. “Let’s say you know that your partner really likes to go to the gym first thing in the morning — it makes your partner feel better the rest of the day,” says Davila. “Mutuality will let you be willing to support your partner in this even though you’d really rather have your partner stay home and in bed with you.”

“Mutuality also lets you factor both people’s needs into decisions that you make about your relationship,” says Davila. “Let’s say you get a great job offer that you’d like to take, but you know it means you will to have to work more, and you know how important it is for both you and your partner to spend time together. With a mutual approach, you might say, ‘You know, I’d really like to take this job, it’s really important to me, but I also am concerned about us spending time together. If I promise to protect some time for us, will you be OK with me taking this job?’”

The third — and final — skill is emotion regulation.

“Emotion regulation is about regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in your relationship,” says Davila. “With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to keep your emotions calm and to keep things that happen in your relationship in perspective.”

Emotion regulation means developing the ability to manage those moments when you might worry or snap. Davila gives the example of waiting for a text back from your partner: “That text isn’t coming. You’re getting really anxious. You’re checking your phone every two seconds. With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to tell yourself, ‘You know what? Calm down — the text is going to come. I don’t need to check my phone every second. I’m just going to put it away and focus on the task at hand.’”

Emotion regulation is an important skill to have in all of your relationships – romantic and platonic – because it enables you to tolerate uncomfortable feelings while also maintaining self-respect and a commitment to your own needs.

All three skills are needed for good relationships. Davila shares the example of a woman whose partner asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She told him she didn’t want anything, so that’s what he gave her – nothing.

Davila continues, “She got really angry, and they had a big fight. Why? Because she really did want a present, she just didn’t want to tell him — she just wanted him to somehow know. It’s called mind reading, it’s a terrible idea, and it never works. Had she been using the skills — insight would have let her know herself well enough to realize that she really did want something, and if she didn’t get it, she was going to be mad.”

“Insight also would have let her know that her partner was the kind of guy who was just going to take what she said literally. Mutuality would have let her really ask for what she wanted, directly and clearly. And emotion regulation would have let her deal with any feelings she was having that were getting in the way of doing that. Maybe she was feeling kind of anxious: ‘What would he think if I asked for what I needed?’ Or, maybe she was feeling guilty. She knows they are saving for a big trip, and she thought that he would think that she was greedy. If she had used the skills, she would have been able to say, ‘You know what? I know we are saving for that trip, but I really like that necklace that we saw the other day, and it wasn’t that expensive.’ He would have gotten it for her. She would have felt respected and valued. He would have been happy. They would have felt more intimate. This whole birthday gift thing would have gone well, instead of ending in a fight.”

Romantic competence may sound like work – but it has widespread benefits. According to Davila, one study of 13- and 14-year-old girls showed that the ones who were more romantically competent felt more comfortable in their relationships, worried less about rejection, and experienced better mental health. In a study of 18-to-25-year-olds, she says, “the more romantically competent men and women felt more secure in relationships. They also reported making better decisions … They were also better at seeking and providing support to their partners, so they were more willing to ask for what they need and use what their partners give them. And they were better at providing helpful support when needed.”

It’s never too late to learn the skills that make up romantic competence. And the earlier we can start teaching these three skills — insight, emotion regulation and mutuality – to the young people we know, the more they’ll equipped they’ll be to have healthier, happier relationships.

Watch her TEDxSBU Talk now:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joanne Davila is a professor of psychology and the director of clinical training in the department of psychology at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, New York. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in evidence-based interventions for relationship problems, depression and anxiety.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Ah, romantic love; beautiful and intoxicating, heart-breaking and soul-crushing… often all at the same time! Why do we choose to put ourselves though its emotional wringer? Does love make our lives meaningful, or is it an escape from loneliness and suffering? If romantic love has a purpose, neither science nor psychology has discovered it yet — but over the course of history, some of our most respected philosophers have put forward some intriguing theories. Below, Skye C. Cleary outlines five of these philosophical perspectives on why we love:

1. Love makes us whole, again / Plato (427—347 BCE)

The ancient Greek philosopher Plato explored the idea that we love in order to become complete. In his Symposium, he wrote about a dinner party at which Aristophanes, a comic playwright, regales the guests with the following story. Humans were once creatures with four arms, four legs, and two faces. One day they angered the gods, and Zeus sliced them all in two. Since then, every person has been missing half of him or herself. Love is the longing to find a soul mate who will make us feel whole again… or at least that’s what Plato believed a drunken comedian would say at a party.

2. Love tricks us into having babies / Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Much, much later, German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer maintained that love, based in sexual desire, was a “voluptuous illusion”. He suggested that we love because our desires lead us to believe that another person will make us happy, but we are sorely mistaken. Nature is tricking us into procreating and the loving fusion we seek is consummated in our children. When our sexual desires are satisfied, we are thrown back into our tormented existences, and we succeed only in maintaining the species and perpetuating the cycle of human drudgery. Sounds like somebody needs a hug.

3. Love is escape from our loneliness / Russell (1872-1970)

According to the Nobel Prize-winning British philosopher Bertrand Russell, we love in order to quench our physical and psychological desires. Humans are designed to procreate; but, without the ecstasy of passionate love, sex is unsatisfying. Our fear of the cold, cruel world tempts us to build hard shells to protect and isolate ourselves. Love’s delight, intimacy, and warmth helps us overcome our fear of the world, escape our lonely shells, and engage more abundantly in life. Love enriches our whole being, making it the best thing in life.

4. Love is a misleading affliction / Buddha (~6th- 4thC BCE)

Siddhartha Gautama, who became known as ‘the Buddha’, or ‘the enlightened one’, probably would have had some interesting arguments with Russell. Buddha proposed that we love because we are trying to satisfy our base desires. Yet, our passionate cravings are defects, and attachments — even romantic love — are a great source of suffering. Luckily, Buddha discovered the eight-fold path, a sort of program for extinguishing the fires of desire so that we can reach ‘nirvana’ — an enlightened state of peace, clarity, wisdom, and compassion.

5. Love lets us reach beyond ourselves / Beauvoir (1908-86)

Let’s end on a slightly more positive note. The French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir proposed that love is the desire to integrate with another and that it infuses our lives with meaning. However, she was less concerned with why we love and more interested in how we can love better. She saw that the problem with traditional romantic love is it can be so captivating that we are tempted to make it our only reason for being. Yet, dependence on another to justify our existence easily leads to boredom and power games.

To avoid this trap, Beauvoir advised loving authentically, which is more like a great friendship: lovers support each other in discovering themselves, reaching beyond themselves, and enriching their lives and the world, together.

Though we might never know why we fall in love, we can be certain that it’ll be an emotional rollercoaster ride. Maybe we lose ourselves. Maybe we find ourselves. It might be heartbreaking, or it might just be the best thing in life. Will you dare to find out?

Watch the full TED-Ed Lesson: Why do we love? A philosophical inquiry:

Animation by Avi Ofer/TED-Ed

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