Melissa McFeeters

What’s your elephant in the room?

Every group — whether it’s a family or a team in the workplace — has one: an uncomfortable, complicated or charged conversation that hasn’t happened but needs to.

Maybe it’s about salary, taking someone’s time or effort for granted, goals, lagging performance, or some other loaded topic. “I want you to think of a tough conversation that people around you need to have — there’s some issue that’s holding them back from accomplishing what they want to accomplish,” says Adar Cohen, a conflict resolution expert based in Illinois and cofounder of the Civic Leadership Foundation, in a TEDxKeene Talk. “I believe they might be one conversation away from accomplishing that thing but they’re not having it … or they’ve tried and it hasn’t gone well.”

It’s human nature to avoid difficult conversations, partly because they’re difficult and partly because we’re worried that having them could make things worse. In his work facilitating negotiations with people from all different kinds of organizations — including companies, political factions, law enforcement, hospitals, gangs — in the US, Northern Ireland and the Middle East, Cohen has seen all the reasons that keep us from saying anything. However, when we continue to dodge these conversations, he says, “frustration sets in, communication constricts, tensions rise, trust evaporates and collaboration is done.”

After you work up the will and courage to tackle your elephant, there are a few key steps you can take to ensure that your discussion will be productive — often in ways you can’t anticipate or imagine.

Cohen has three rules to help you lead difficult conversations:

1. Move toward — not away from — the conflict.

In his TEDxKeene Talk, Cohen speaks about a gathering he oversaw at Chicago’s Cook County Jail, which has more than 6,500 inmates and is one of the largest jails in the US. Their goal was to discuss how to best support people upon their release from prison and help prevent them from re-entering the criminal justice system again. The group was tremendously varied — former gang members, business leaders, corrections officers, clergy, social workers, sheriff’s deputies, city officials — and also unaccustomed to collaborating with one another. The discussion began, and it was terrible. “Whatever I tried, nothing worked,” says Cohen. “The group wouldn’t sit next to each other, wouldn’t even look at each other … This was the toughest conversation I ever led.”

Cohen was desperate. At their first break, he recalls, ”I approached that corrections officer who hasn’t said a single word all morning, and I just go for it. I charge up to him and I say, ‘Hey buddy, what do I gotta do to get you to pipe down in there?’ … I moved toward the conflict. Miraculously, he doesn’t squish me. He actually laughs.” By acknowledging the awkwardness, he had created a moment, an opening, with one of the participants.

“Conflict is information, and handled well, conflict is opportunity,” says Cohen.

2. Act as if you don’t know anything about the situation, even if you do.

After he got the corrections officer to laugh, Cohen says, “I asked him, ‘What do people get wrong about what you do?’ Which is another way of asking, ‘How are you misunderstood?’ … And his face changes. He looks like a different person, and he says, ‘People think that I feel normal about this, keeping people in cages all day. There’s nothing normal about my job.’”

When the break ended, Cohen asked that same question to the corrections officer — but this time, in front of the entire group. The response to the officer’s frankness was electrifying. “Now others are ready to share and because I don’t know anything, I keep asking questions,” Cohen says. “One by one, they all have their chance to describe everything about their day-to-day, minute-to-minute work, which means everyone’s getting heard by everyone. My naive questions make it possible for them to hear one another.”

“Ask questions about people’s experiences, and listen to what they say,” explains Cohen. “important things will be said because you’re there listening and the better you listen, the better the people having the conversation will listen to each other.” When you speak, stick to sharing your own experiences — resist the urge to offer advice or commentary or to speak on behalf of other people. “Take the long way,” he says.

3. Keep quiet, especially in the beginning.

Silence can be challenging — most of us will jump in to fill in unpleasant gaps or lulls — but it can actually lead people to speak up, especially people who haven’t yet said anything. Learning to be comfortable with silence can prompt deeper, more meaningful interactions. Cohen says, “Some of the best breakthroughs I’ve seen in really difficult conversations have emerged out of a brief period of silence. Don’t rush in to rescue everyone from that awkward moment; it’s your job to show them that moment is okay.”

Cohen shares an anecdote from a conversation he led among people from opposing groups in Northern Ireland:

“In one of these meetings, we suddenly heard from a man who hadn’t spoken. He shared his experience as a newcomer to Belfast, standing on a bus, exhausted after work and suddenly being surrounded by a group of men. They came in really close, whispered horrible threats. They trapped him, and he explained how his heart pounded and he just gripped the railing of the bus and waited until it stopped and he could dash out. He had feared for his life that day, he told the group, and he had hoped that immigrating to Northern Ireland from Somalia would have been the end of having to fear for his life. The room felt totally quiet; everyone heard him — Protestants, Catholics, suddenly it didn’t matter. ‘That’s unacceptable,’ the first said. ‘That’s not Belfast,’ said the second. ‘Not how we want it to be,’ said the third.”

In his work around the world, Cohen has seen that just one conversation can change lives: opening the door to a new way of looking at the world, to collaboration that previously seemed impossible, and to forgiveness, understanding and common ground. Any of us, he says, can change the world in this way. “Conversations create the future. Whether or not we have them and how we have them is up to us.”

Watch his TEDxKeene Talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Adar Cohen is cofounder and executive director of the Civic Leadership Foundation in Illinois. He is responsible for all aspects of CLF’s efforts to empower young people for success in school, work and civic life. Working with Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland, with gang leaders and correctional officers in Chicago, and with Jews and Muslims in the Middle East, Dr. Cohen has led dynamic change processes in settings defined by conflict and uncertainty. He has investigated human rights abuses at the Guantánamo Bay detention camp; led nonviolence trainings in church basements and community centers across the US; and, at the invitation of the King of Bhutan, lectured and designed curriculum at Sherubtse University, Bhutan’s first institution for higher education.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Priya Mistry

“Have you ever had this experience?” asks physicist Dominic Walliman in a TEDxEastVan Talk. “You’re having a chat with someone, and they’re telling you something about a subject they’re very interested in or they know a lot about, and you’re following along. Then, at some stage you realize you kind of lost the thread of what they’re saying … You realize you have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about.”

When this has happened, you probably felt bad — like you just weren’t smart enough to understand what they were saying and you’ve wasted that person’s time.

Perhaps you’ve been on the other side, too. You were talking about something relatively complex and you could practically see the moment that your listener checked out. Not only is it uncomfortable but it’s also disheartening when what you’re saying is important, cool or valuable to the listener.

When you’re the speaker, “there are things you can do to improve this,” says Walliman. All you need to do is find a better way to explain your subject.

Walliman has made this a speciality — he writes children’s books and makes YouTube videos about quantum physics, nanotechnology, relativity, rocket science and other traditionally dense topics — and he’s come up with four principles that can help you effectively communicate complex concepts.

What’s more, he believes that more effective communication isn’t limited to the sciences. In fact, it can help all of us talk about the ideas, concepts, inventions and people that interest us. “I’ve come to the conclusion,” he says, “that you can pretty much explain anything to anybody, as long as you go about it the right way.”

1. Start off in the right place.

“Everyone’s got a different background, everyone’s got a different set of knowledge, and it’s our job to explain the information in terms that they already understand, “ says Walliman. “It’s no good leaving a gap and starting from there because they’re not going to follow along.”

If you’re in doubt about what your listener already knows or comprehends, simply ask. As you start to explain, he suggests, ask questions like “Do you already get this?” or “Is this making any sense?”

What if you’re talking to people who come from backgrounds that you’re not familiar with? If you’re speaking to a large group, “you have to make your best guess and a show of hands can be useful, too,” says Walliman. “It’s always better to err on the side of caution.”

Don’t worry too much about whether you’re telling the audience something they’ve already heard before. “People generally don’t mind,” says Waliman.

2. Don’t go too far down the rabbit hole.

Most of us love to learn — but we can absorb only so much at a time. Avoid bombarding people with too much knowledge at once. “It’s better to explain, say, three things that someone will understand … rather than barrage them with a whole load of information that kind of undoes all of your good work to begin with,” Walliman says.

Let’s say you and a friend are in an art museum. You see a painting you love — and one that you studied in college — but you can see that your friend doesn’t quite know what to make of it. You may feel tempted to explain every single thing you know about this particular work, telling her about the artist’s life and career, the materials and techniques used, the movement that the artist is part of, and so on.

Instead, try to focus on the bigger picture (pun intended). This can help your friend start to appreciate it. As an example, take Helen Frankenthaler’s Cool Summer (1962). Mention how, much like Jackson Pollock would drip paint, Frankenthaler would stain her canvases. Like Pollock’s dripping, staining was another cutting-edge technique of the time. Then, ask your friend to look at the painting as if it were a landscape. What kind of natural scene could be conveyed with those colors in those configurations?

3. Go for clarity over accuracy.

When we’re speaking about a subject we’re very knowledgeable about, we may tend to be carried away with the impulse to get everything “right.” Sometimes, though, an emphasis on the facts can occur at the expense of comprehension.

“It’s better to come up with a simpler explanation that maybe isn’t completely technically correct but it gets the point across,” Walliman says. Settle for establishing a basic understanding in them. If they want to know more, you can build upon that knowledge and create a more complete — and accurate — picture.

4. Explain why you think your subject is so cool.

“If you’re taking the time to explain something to someone, there’s probably a reason you’re doing it — either you think it’s super-important or very, very interesting,” says Walliman. And if it’s the latter, he adds, “the more you can convey that to someone, the more likely they are to remember it and get some value from it.”

So, ask yourself: “Why do I think this subject is so cool?”

The more you can communicate your enthusiasm to others, the more likely they are to feel that way too. One way to do this is give examples that demonstrate how the subject is relevant to their lives can bring it to life for them.

Figuring out how to best explain your subject may take trial and error, so don’t get discouraged about sharing what you know. Remember: Learning isn’t limited to understanding a subject, it can also be about grasping what you already know and understanding it in a way that will allow you to share it with those around you.

Watch his TEDxEastVan talk now:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jake Amorelli is the communications coordinator for TEDx.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Have you ever talked with a friend about a problem, only to realize that they just don’t seem to grasp why the issue is so important to you? Have you ever presented an idea to a group, and it’s met with utter confusion? What’s going on here? Why does miscommunication occur so frequently, and how we can minimize frustration while expressing ourselves better? Below, Katherine Hampsten explains how to avoid miscommunication.

The fact is, human communication is incredibly complex. But the good news is that a basic understanding of what happens when we communicate can help us prevent miscommunication.

It’s possible to think of communication between people as a game of catch. As we communicate our message, we receive feedback from the other party. Through the transaction, we create meaning together.

But, as humans, we can’t help but send and receive messages through our own subjective lenses. When communicating, one person expresses her interpretation of a message, and the person she’s communicating with hears his own interpretation of that message. Our perceptual filters continually shift meanings and interpretations. In that case, maybe communication is more like a game of catch with a lump of clay. As each person touches the lump of clay, they shape it to fit their own unique perceptions based on any number of variables; like knowledge or past experience, age, race, gender, ethnicity, religion, or family background. So, as the lump of clay goes back and forth from one person to another; reworked, reshaped and always changing, it’s no wonder our messages sometimes turn into a mush of miscommunication.

Luckily, these 4 simple practices can help us all navigate our daily interactions for better communication:

1: Recognize that passive hearing and active listening are not the same. Engage actively with the verbal and nonverbal feedback of others, and adjust your message to facilitate greater understanding.

2: Listen with your eyes and ears, as well as with your gut. Remember that communication is more than just words.

3: Take time to understand as you try to be understood. In the rush to express ourselves, it’s easy to forget that communication is a two-way street. Be open to what the other person might say.

4: Be aware of your personal perceptual filters. Elements of your experience, including your culture, community, and family influence how you see the world. Say, “This is how I see the problem — but how do you see it?” Don’t assume that your perception is the objective truth; that’ll help you work toward sharing a dialog with others to reach a common understanding, together.

Watch the TED-Ed Lesson: How miscommunication happens (and how to avoid it):

Animation by Rewfoe/TED-Ed

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