Alamy

Every one of us has mental health in the same way that every one of us has physical health.

Yet despite the prevalence of mental health struggles, there is still so much stigma around them. Worldwide the leading cause of disability is depression, according to the World Health Organization, and in the US alone, nearly 1 in 5 of adults lives with a mental illness.

As a mental health therapist-in-training and the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the largest mental health community for children of immigrants living in the West, I regularly get asked this question: “How can I support a loved one who is struggling with their mental health?” With the multiple crises we’re currently living through, it can feel like more and more people we know are currently hurting.

Maybe you’ve noticed that a friend’s behavior or demeanor has changed and you’re concerned, or a family member is opening up to you for the first time about their anxiety. I know it’s challenging to know what to say or do. Here are eight things that you can do and eight things you should not do when you’re supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.

First, the dos:

DO listen and validate

Be curious about what your friend is struggling with and how it’s impacting them. Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, ask open-ended questions to allow them to share their experience with you — questions like “What’s going on?” or “How long have you been experiencing this?” or “How are you coping?”

When they respond, use validating statements that will help them feel heard and accepted just as they are. Many people who struggle with their mental health may often blame or judge  themselves about what they’re going through; some may feel that their struggles aren’t valid because they’re all “in their head.”

Even if you can’t completely understand or relate to their feelings or experiences, you want to communicate to your loved one that they’re perfectly OK — this can be as simple as saying “That sounds really difficult”.

Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs.

DO ask what they need from you

Instead of making assumptions about what would be helpful to your loved one, ask them directly: “How can I support you?” or “What would be helpful to you right now?” Remember: Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs when they’re having a hard time.

DO offer to help with everyday tasks

A lot of people who struggle with their mental health may find it incredibly difficult to make basic decisions or perform even seemingly small chores. Instead of using the generic phrase “I’m here if you need me,” try to be specific about what you’re offering so your friend won’t have to bear the burden of reaching out or figuring out what they need in the first place.

If you visit them, take a look around and see what they could use assistance with — like doing the dishes, weeding, vacuuming or folding laundry. If you talk to them, offer to take them to a doctor’s appointment or do a grocery or drugstore run for them; you might also consider sending them a gift card for their meals.

DO celebrate their wins, including the small ones

When a person is struggling with their mental health, every day can be full of challenges. So cheer on their accomplishments and victories. This can help affirm their feelings of agency and efficacy. This could look like thanking them for being so honest and vulnerable with you or  congratulating them for going to work or for taking their dog out for regular walks.

Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space.

DO read up on what they’re struggling with

There’s another important burden you can remove from their plate: Having to teach you about mental illness. Instead, take the time to educate yourself on what they’re going through — for example, learning more about depression, panic attacks or anxiety — so you can understand their lived experience and be aware of severe or risky behaviors or symptoms to look out for.

Today, there are so many places online to find informative, helpful content, from peer-reviewed journals and articles by mental health professionals to posts in digital communities and personal essays by people who share in your loved one’s mental-health challenges.

DO check in with them regularly

Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space. Consistently check in (a quick text is fine) with them, keep them company when you can, and remind your friend that you love them and you’re on their side.

DO recognize that not all mental health struggles look the same

Not all mental health challenges or mental illnesses look the same. Some people might struggle as the result of a specific event or circumstance, while other people may be living with a chronic mental illness. If the latter is true for your loved one, don’t expect them to “get over” it as they would with a flu or broken bone.

Meet them where they are, reminding them you understand it’s something they are living with. This can take different forms depending on what they need — this could mean understanding when they cancel plans on you because they’re having a particularly tough day or adapting your plans with them to reflect what they’re able to do.

It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it just like we’d talk about going to a physician for a physical illness.

DO normalize talking about mental health

Don’t wait for them to bring up their struggles, or shy away from being direct with them. It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it in the same way we’d talk about going to a physician or taking medication for a physical illness. You might even consider opening up and being vulnerable when talking about your own mental health so instead of feeling judged, your loved one feels safe being honest with you.

Now, the don’ts:

DON’T compare their experience to others

I really want to drive one point home: Everyone experiences their mental health struggles and mental health illnesses differently. In the guise of trying to make a loved one feel better, you may be tempted to tell them “everyone deals with anxiety [or depression etc] sometimes” or bring up an acquaintance who had the same illness but benefited from a specific strategy, treatment or therapy.

Resist this temptation. Even though saying those things can be helpful in terms of normalizing their experience and making them feel less alone, they can also have the unintended effect of pressuring them to get over it or minimize what they’re feeling.

Another thing to avoid — reminding them of what they have or should be grateful for. Toxic positivity and comparison to others can reinforce the narrative that your loved one’s problems aren’t important.

Avoid using stigmatizing words like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or saying things like “that’s so OCD” or “take a Xanax”

DON’T use stigmatizing language

Be careful how you talk about mental health around your friend (and in general!). Avoid using stigmatizing words  like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or using clinical diagnoses or medications flippantly in conversation — like saying “that’s so OCD” when someone is very organized or telling someone to “take a Xanax” when you want them to calm down. Check your own assumptions surrounding mental health issues, professional mental health care and medication so you aren’t causing your loved one unnecessary pain.

DON’T take their behavior personally

People’s mental health struggles are often not linear or predictable. Maybe your friend is less talkative one day, and maybe your sister keeps rescheduling your phone dates. While you may feel hurt or offended by their actions, don’t automatically assume that they are reflections of how your loved one feels about you.

Instead, use their cues as moments to check in on them, ask what you can do to support them, and remind them that you’re here for them when and if they need.

You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them.

DON’T be confrontational or try to control the situation

When you’re faced with a loved one in pain or distress, it can be really difficult not to get in the metaphorical driver’s seat and forcefully do what you think will relieve their suffering. But in doing this, you’re diminishing their sense of agency. You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them. So don’t be aggressive about what they should or shouldn’t do, and don’t give them ultimatums.

DON’T get discouraged

You may feel helpless when you’re helping and supporting a loved one who is struggling, and you don’t see them making progress. Just because you feel helpless doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful. Your loved one does not expect you to find them the magic solution or to be perfect; instead, they just need you to be present.

DON’T burn yourself out trying to support your loved one

The better you take care of yourself, the better you can be of support to your loved one. Make sure to keep taking care of yourself, doing the things you love and recharging your own batteries while being there for your loved one. Be clear and direct about your boundaries, and find ways to honor what you need to do in order to be able to show up for them.

People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed.

DON’T try to fix them

People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed. By jumping in with solutions and advice when they don’t explicitly ask for it, you’re sending them the message that what they’re going through is wrong or bad when in fact you are projecting your own discomfort with what they’re going through. Realize that your impulse to dive into a fix-it mode can actually be a coping mechanism to ease and absolve your own discomfort or anxiety. Which brings me to my next point …

DON’T avoid the feelings that come up for you

When we see our loved ones grappling with something difficult, chronic or hard to comprehend, it can often bring up our own difficult feelings and our own discomfort or anxiety. When this happens, it’s important not to shove that stuff under the rug. Spend time reflecting on what’s coming up for you.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Are you anxious because you’re scared of what’s going to happen to your loved one? Are you avoiding them because you feel helpless? Are you carrying around your own biases or stigmas around mental illness? Are you on edge because you’re resentful, burned out or just plain confused?

It’s important to get clarity on what’s coming up for you and why, so you can take care of yourself and still be there for your friend. Don’t be ashamed if you find that you could use some support or professional care. One great US-based resource is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which hosts free support groups for people who love someone that’s struggling with their mental health.

Watch Sahaj Kaur Kohli’s TED Conversation now:

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sahaj Kaur Kohli is the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the first and largest mental health and wellness community of its kind for children of immigrants living in the West, where she works to promote bicultural identity and destigmatize therapy. She is also currently pursuing her master’s in clinical mental health counseling. Kohli’s passion lies at the intersection of narrative storytelling and mental health advocacy. A former journalist, she is currently working on a book to be published by Penguin Life.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Stocksy

On TED’s How to Be a Better Human podcast, host Chris Duffy speaks to an exciting mix of world-class researchers, thinkers and doers (read on to find out more!) and learns actionable takeaways that we can all use to improve our days and nights. Read on to learn the advice that he’s personally found the most helpful, and listen to episodes here.

As host of TED’s How to Be a Better Human podcast, I’ve found that one of the most common reactions people have upon hearing about the show is to ask me: “What have you learned from it? And how can I become a better human?”

Well, actually, that’s sugarcoating it a bit. If I’m honest, what really happens when people learn about the show is they raise their eyebrows and look me over, seemingly thinking: “Who the heck are you, podcast boy, to think you can tell us about becoming a better human?”

That’s why I almost always quickly add, “I’m not the better human of the title! The better humans are the guests, and I’m just a regular person trying to understand their ideas.”

That being said, over two seasons and 62 episodes featuring interviews with a fascinating and diverse group of people — including a sleep researcher, a Native American chef, a data journalist and an award-winning Broadway set designer — even a lug like me has  picked up some insights.

Here are the pieces of advice that have stuck in my brain and that I’ve tried to apply in my own life:

1. Improve your relationship — by getting into a love triangle

George Blair-West MD is an Australian relationship expert, researcher and psychiatrist, and he’s been married for 34 years. He told me that the key to a long-lasting relationship of any kind is getting into a love triangle — unfortunately, not the kind you see on a telenovela.

No, what George meant by triangle is taking the same three steps over and over in your relationship.

Step one: You have to trust that when you share something vulnerable with your partner, they will respect your trust and not use it against you.

Step two: You test that trust by sharing something with them that you’re anxious about people knowing about you.

And step three: You keep building intimacy as you do this over and over and realize that your partner will still care about you, despite your shortcomings.

OK, it might not seem as spicy as the other kind of love triangle — but secrets, hidden weaknesses and building a deep, meaningful, passionate love? It’s still pretty good!

George’s advice is something that I think about a lot. Every time I’m afraid to have a conversation with my wife or admit how I’m really feeling to her, I remember George’s point that this is the whole thing! The best way to make your relationship deeper and stronger is by letting yourself be human, admitting the things you’re ashamed of and saying them out loud to your partner. Because when you say them and the other person loves you anyway? Ooh, baby! That’s the good stuff.

Go here to listen to the episode

2. You are bigger than your job

Greta Morgan is a writer and musician whose musical projects include Vampire Weekend, Springtime Carnivore and Gold Motel. She’s toured the world and played in front of huge venues full of adoring fans.

But then one day, she was diagnosed with a vocal disorder — one that took away her ability to sing. Suddenly, her ideas about what her life and her career would look like shifted dramatically.

So what would you do if the thing that defined you disappeared overnight? So many of us have melded our identities with our work, and in the process, we often forget who we really are. When I spoke to Greta, she made such a compelling case for how being forced to redefine herself ended up expanding her understanding of her creativity and resilience.

I’ve similarly struggled with tying my self-worth to my output and my career. Greta offered me a reminder that if we can let go of holding onto our ideas of who we are “supposed to be,” we will allow ourselves to grow and to discover our deeper, more authentic selves.

For me, that means valuing creative work I make and enjoy personally even if it doesn’t sell or make any money. And it means me being open to trying new things, even if they don’t necessarily fit under the umbrella of “comedy,” like writing a blog post for TED about how to be a better human.

Go here to listen to the episode

3. Never be afraid to make trouble

I have never identified with a joke more than when I heard comedian John Mulaney say: “You could pour hot soup on my lap, and I’ll probably apologize to you.”

I hate conflict, and I never want to make a fuss or create an uncomfortable situation. But my conversation with Luvvie Ajayi Jones convinced me this is actually not a trait to be proud of. Instead, standing up against the tide is a muscle I need to develop and grow instead.

Luvvie self-describes herself as a “professional troublemaker.” She says that if we really want to improve the world and tackle the big, important issues, meekly following the rules is not going to cut it. Talking to her completely reframed the idea of “trouble” for me, prompting me to think of it as a necessary step on the path to improvement rather than as a sign that I was being difficult or not a team player. So now I’m trying to assert myself whenever I feel a twinge of “That’s not right.”

A friend makes a problematic joke? Maybe I can have a conversation with them about it and not just laugh awkwardly.

There’s a person on the street who seems lost or confused? Maybe I can check in rather than assuming that they’d ask if they needed help. (Even typing this one makes me a little nervous since I’m imagining an older man yelling at me that he’s not confused or lost and how dare I insinuate he was!)

But I want to tackle these small scale, lower-stakes moments so I can get more comfortable with being uncomfortable. That way, when the big stuff happens, I’ll have the troublemaking muscles to do what needs to be done. I certainly wouldn’t say I’m a professional troublemaker yet, but maybe I’m an aspiring amateur.

Go here to listen to the episode

4. Be the best at having terrible ideas

Frans Johansson has spent his career studying innovation and what makes some ideas truly groundbreaking. One of the things that he’s discovered is it’s easy to find support for your ideas if you’re only making incremental changes.

Let’s say it’s 1970, and you’re working on making home telephones 10 percent more efficient. Everyone at the phone company would have been likely to get on board. But if you told them you were working on an idea to make phones that could work outdoors and without any wires, you’d likely be out in the cold. And yet, looking back, we can see clearly which idea was more valuable.

I’ve been trying to embrace that idea more in my own life — to take bigger swings. Frans says if you want to come up with novel solutions, you have to discard the first few things that come to mind, the obvious answers.

Try something bizarre! It might not work, but as Frans says, “The single most important factor is that you are interrupting your default thought.” Plus, when I set my goal as simply “come up with some terrible ideas” I immediately feel better, because I am so good at having bad ideas. In fact, I’ve decided it’s my specialty.

Go here to listen to the episode

5. Be a better talker — by shutting up

I talk for a living, whether it’s hosting this podcast, doing standup or pitching jokes for a TV show. But still, one of the times I’ve been most terrified when doing this podcast was when I was interviewing Celeste Headlee. She’s an award-winning journalist who has done everything from anchor morning news on public radio to covering presidential campaigns. She’s an expert on great conversations. So the pressure was high to have our conversation be… not terrible, you know?

Luckily, Celeste made my job easy and offered plenty of practical tips including how to pick one conversational skill to work on at a time. This small step can dramatically improve your relationships and your outcomes at work. For me, I’m working on shutting up more and, as Celeste puts it, “not equating talking with conversing.” Because if you want to have a great conversation, it’s not about following any tips and tricks for “seeming engaged” in the conversation – you have to actually be engaged. So I will now shut up.

Go here to listen to the episode

6. And if all else fails, try being perfect

Michael Schur is the comedy writer behind so many of my favorite TV shows, like Saturday Night Live, The Office, Parks and Recreation, The Good Place. (And, very occasionally in front of the scenes, like when he played Dwight’s terrifying cousin Mose in The Office). But Michael’s true passion isn’t jokes; it’s moral philosophy.

In our episode, Michael talked to me about why he’s obsessed with chasing after the eternal, perhaps unanswerable question of “how to be perfect” and why he believes caring about ethics — on any level — can actually make a difference. Whether it’s deciding which brand of environmentally friendly toilet paper I should buy (or should I actually just switch over to an electronic bidet), agonizing over if it’s OK to listen to music made by a terrible person, or deciding if it’s OK to lie in a list of ways to become a better person, I’m comforted by Michael’s reminder that people have been struggling over these questions for thousands of years. (Maybe not these exact questions, I don’t think electronic bidets existed until recently.)

He argues that the right thing to do is engage with the questions rather than ignore them and try to find a moral framework that we can stand by and stick to. I’m not there yet, but I’m thinking more deeply about the ethical quandaries inevitably posed by every decision I make (and I decided I’m just not ready for a bidet quite yet. Maybe next year …)

Go here to listen to the episode

Enjoyed this article? The advice doesn’t end here — we’re just getting started with new weekly episodes of How to Be a Better Human throughout the year. Give it a listen to receive more delicious, useful bites of insight that can help you in all parts of your life here.

Watch this special TED Membership conversation with Luvvie Ajayi Jones now: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Chris Duffy is a comedian, TV writer and radio/podcast host. He has written for National Geographic Explorer and for both seasons of Wyatt Cenac’s Problem Areas on HBO (executive produced by John Oliver). Duffy created the public radio program “You’re the Expert” and currently hosts the streaming show “Wrong Answers Only” for the National Academy of Sciences. He is both a former fifth-grade teacher and a former fifth-grade student.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Krystal Quiles

Most of us intuitively know that having close, supportive relationships is important to our general happiness and well-being.

Decades of scientific research confirm that human connection not only affects our mental health but is also a key determinant to how long we’ll live and how physically healthy we’ll be during those years.

As Robert Waldinger PhD, the director of the long-running Harvard Study of Adult Development (aka “the longest study on happiness”), says in his TED Talk, “People who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community are happier; they’re physically healthier; and they live longer than people who are less well connected.”

And we’re not just talking about your intimate, family and spousal relationships. All types of human connection — from the social to the professional, from the people you volunteer with to the man behind you in line at the grocery store — count.

The good news: Making small changes in our relationships can yield big results. Below, I’ve pinpointed six relationship resolutions to consider that could improve your bonds.

1. Change the words you’re thinking about other people

Words matter. Not only the words we use when we speak to others, but the words we say to ourselves about others.

Our internal narrative — especially the story we tell ourselves about other people, their decisions, behaviors, quirks and irritating habits — has a profound effect on how we interact with them. When you tell yourself “they’re so controlling” or “they never listen to me” or “they’re so self-centered” before or during a conversation with a partner, colleague or sibling sets you up to be more likely to find evidence of their controlling/non-listening/self-centered behavior because you’ve primed yourself to spot it.

By creating micro-moments of positivity, you’re starting a wave of good feelings that spreads through your life and through the lives of those you encounter.

There are three simple steps you can take here. The first is to recognize when one of these judgmental thoughts enters your head that reinforces a negative narrative. Next, stop yourself from telling this story. Finally, replace it with a more positive word or phrase.

No, I’m not asking you to think something that is just plain untrue — as in “they always listen to me” or “they respect that I’m my own person.” Instead, pick a word or phrase that reminds you to show some compassion (“They’re trying their best”), acknowledge the journey you’re on (“We’re all works in progress”) or capture what you want to do more of in your relationships (“Listen — really listen”).

You’ll be surprised how quickly changing your words can also change the quality of your relationships. One of my favorite phrases, which I’ll be recommitting to in 2022, is “They might just be right.” Thinking those five words reduces my need to win arguments and can even prevent me from getting into them in the first place.

Make this phrase or word your screen saver, set a daily reminder with them or leave sticky notes with the phrase or word on the bathroom mirror, your laptop or next to the kitchen sink.

2. Create tiny moments of positivity during your day

Want to experience more connection in your day-to-day life and a healthier and more connected sense of being in the world?

Turns out, you can do this wherever you are and wherever you go. Just take five seconds to learn the name of that nice person in the orange apron at Home Depot who helped you find the particular nail you needed and tell them they made your day. Or, look your pharmacist in the eye and thank them for showing up during this challenging time, or stop by your coworker’s office and ask how her aging parents are holding up.

Indeed, whenever you share a tiny, positive moment with another human — even if it’s just a warm smile or your eyes meeting as you acknowledge each other for existing on this planet — you unleash a cascade of positive reactions in you and them.

And that feeling you experience when you do this? It’s love.

While it might not be the kind of love that brought together, say, Romeo and Juliet, this kind — unlike what drove that doomed pair — will help you live a longer, happier, healthier life. And it has ripple effects. By creating micro-moments of positivity with strangers, acquaintances, colleagues or your close connections, you’re starting a wave of good feelings that spreads through your life and through the lives of those you encounter.

I once interviewed a couple with an unusual rule: Whenever they argued, they both had to be fully undressed. Unsurprisingly, they reported their conflicts never lasted long!

3. When you and your partner argue, hold hands with them (really!)

When couples are in conflict, it’s important for them to remember they’re on the same team despite their differences. One of the easiest ways to do so is to agree to hold hands while you argue. This simple gesture helps couples feel more connected and, as a result, they’ve been found to be less destructive as they fight.

If this doesn’t work for the two of you, come up with your own way to reinforce your bond.

Maybe you and your partner decide to interrupt each disagreement — at least once — with a 10-second kiss. Or, you could both agree, while fighting, to hold up three fingers at the beginning, middle and end of a tense discussion, a nonverbal symbol that means “I love you.” I once interviewed a couple with an unusual rule: Whenever they argued, they both had to be fully undressed. Unsurprisingly, they reported their conflicts never lasted long!

4. Ask an open-ended question of someone in your life every day

As a relationship social scientist with a PhD in communication, I’ve got a personal pet peeve — when people say “Communication is the secret to successful relationships.”

OK, they’re not completely wrong. But communication is complicated, and not all communication is created equal. Yelling is communication, for example. And so is lying.

Actively listening while letting someone else speak is also communication, and it’s one of the most undervalued methods of building relationships with others. This means listening simply to better understand the other person and giving them space to share their story, express their fears, articulate their hopes or just tell you what irritated or delighted them today.

One of the easiest resolutions you can make to improve any of your close relationships is to listen more, speak less and ask open-ended questions. Once a day, invite someone you care about to share. Ask the colleague who sits near you: “What’s been the best part of your week so far?”; ask your neighbor when you’re both out walking your dogs: “What’s keeping you going these days?”; or ask your kid over dinner: “What are you most afraid of happening in the next year?”

Then, be fully present with them as you listen to them answer, without interrupting them with your own response or turning away. When we do this, we show the people in our lives that we really care about them.

Friendships have been shown to be key to our happiness and longevity, especially as we age, but even the best of them will wither if we don’t nurture them.

5. Schedule time to spend with your best friends

Strong, quality relationships require maintenance and ongoing investment. Friendships have been shown to be key to our happiness and longevity, especially as we age, but even the best of them will wither if we don’t nurture them.

One easy way to do this is to carve out time in your weekly or monthly schedule to connect with your friends. If you can, meeting them in person is best, but even a regular Zoom or phone call is enough to provide you with benefits. And whenever you’re invited to do something with someone who is not one of your key connections, ask yourself this before you say yes: “Is this best for me and the relationships I value?”

These small, regular investments of attention made regularly in our relationships are essential to growing and sustaining them.

6. Deliver an overdue apology

Many of us — because we’re only human and imperfect — have ended a relationship in a clumsy or careless way. Or, maybe we’ve been on the receiving end. Regardless of which role you played, we walk around with grudges or resentment towards a colleague, boss, cousin, roommate, neighbor, ex-partner, etc.

Why not start the year by picking one of the people in your life with whom you had a falling out and write them a note or send them a voice memo? Keep your apology short and simple, and accept responsibility for what you did or didn’t do well. When we embrace our humility, we’re not only more likely to forgive and be forgiven but we can get a significant boost in our happiness as well.

However, if you choose to do this, don’t expect to get a response. If the other person takes in your words and says they forgive you, that’s great. But keep in mind that forgiveness is partly an internal process when you can lighten your load by letting go of unnecessary emotions weighing you down.

Watch her TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk now: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carol Bruess PhD Carol Bruess (rhymes with “peace”) is professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas, Minnesota; resident scholar at St. Norbert College, Wisconsin; and forever passionate about studying and improving relationships. She is fluent in emoji, loves parentheticals (it’s what all the cool kids are doing), and is happy-dancing her way through empty-nesting (although don’t tell her kids; they think she’s all weepy). Check out her five books and sewing/design shenanigans over at www.carolbruess.com

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Fernando Cobelo

As a psychologist who’s been in private practice for 25 years, I’ve seen that there are as many kinds of relationship problems as there are humans on this planet.

But one issue that keeps coming up is about irritability — or what to do when a close connection seems to be in a bad mood all the time.

Take this letter from a reader, for example:

Every day, my sister seems to wake up irritable and then stay that way. She has an edge to her voice and responds to friendly questions like, “How was your day?” or “Do you have plans for the weekend?” curtly and with a sharp tone. What can I do?

Indeed, there’s been a lot of irritability experienced these past couple of years, with the pandemic making it a stressful time for all. Irritability is defined as a mood or state in which one has a heightened propensity to respond to frustrations, even small ones, with anger that is excessive given what might be expected in the situation.

Of course, irritability is not abnormal in and of itself. Every one of us can be irritable at times and have irritable moods that may last for hours or even a few days. But when periods of irritability last for months on end and characterize a person’s mood more often than not, it could be associated with an underlying disorder such as clinical depression, anxiety or ADHD. In that case, it should be considered as a broader mental health issue that requires the advice of a mental health professional. Indeed, if the person in your life is being treated for one of these conditions and seems to be chronically irritable, you might consider suggesting they speak with a mental health provider about their mood.

However, regardless of whether a person’s irritability involves an underlying mental condition or not, it can still have a big impact on their quality of life and that of the people around them, and when that is the case it should be addressed.

Irritability impacts us psychologically in a number of ways. It makes us far more sensitive to small frustrations so we have a harder time shrugging them off or moving past them. This can make us distracted since our attention ends up being constantly redirected towards trivial incidents and remarks and away from important tasks or relationships. This constant churning or annoyance in the back of our mind also takes up intellectual resources, leaving us with less mental bandwidth with which to do our jobs and manage our lives.

Why does irritability sometimes linger?

Irritability can be a hard mood to break out of because it often creates a negative feedback loop that is self-reinforcing in ways that can deepen its hold on our state of mind. It works this way:

— Irritability reinforces our negative mood such that we’re much more likely to fixate on anything even mildly upsetting or annoying (we might even do so unconsciously as a way to validate our bad mood).

— Focusing on all these annoyances then fuels our irritability further, which in turn, focuses us even more intently on validating our irritable mood by continuing to scan our environment for external frustrations and overreacting to them.

— At the same time, we are less likely to notice the positive events and experiences that could have otherwise mitigated our frustrated state of mind and improved our mood.

— Indeed, the urge to indulge our irritability and give in to it can feel extremely compelling, and we can become resistant to any efforts from our nearest and dearest to break us out of our mood. This is why, when a close friend or family member suffers from irritability, you may often feel as though you can’t win.

— Any effort to engage with them is likely to garner an impatient, hostile or aggressive response, so you end up just keeping a distance.As a result, your relationship may become strained and distant and the irritable person become isolated, adding to their irritability and their feeling that no one else seems to understand what they’re going through.

Further, negative moods can sometimes be contagious and irritability is one that can be quite obvious to other people, making it harder for them to ignore or overlook and making it more likely for their own mood to be negatively impacted by it. Indeed, irritable bosses often create significant stress in their teams, and irritable household members often create significant stress for the people who are around them most.

So what can you do if someone you care about suffers from chronic irritability?

1: Bring it to their attention

Start by asking them to have a talk, so they know you want to discuss something serious (rather than say, doing it casually as you’re getting ready for work because you want their full attention so they can take your concerns seriously). Tell them you’re concerned because they seem to be in a bad mood more often than not, and they’ve been responding to you as if you’re constantly annoying them.

2. Let them know how their mood has been impacting you

They might be surprised to hear it — in which case they might try on their own to be more mindful going forward. If they seem receptive, the next time they respond irritably, you can simply remind them by saying something like “Please don’t respond with such a sharp edge in your tone, I’m just asking about your day because I care about you.”

If they’re aware they’ve been irritable but they feel their mood is justified because of the external stresses in their life (for example, “You know how hard it’s been at work!”), you can acknowledge their stress but let them know that as you sympathize with what they’re going through, their moods have a big impact on you as well (as your moods do on them). Then suggest you discuss ways to cope with their stress that might reduce their irritability, which would be best for them as well as for you.

3. Ask them to consider trying one of the following techniques that have been shown to lower irritability

Gratitude exercise: Spend 10 minutes each morning journaling about three things for which they’re grateful and why—what that thing means to them and why it makes them feel thankful

Mindfulness meditation: Focus on breathing, feeling the air flow in and out of your lungs—and when thoughts enter your mind—which they will—label them factually and without any judgment or emotionality (e.g., ‘A worry about work’ or ‘frustration with a friend’) and refocus on your breathing. Mindfulness meditation has been shown to lower emotional reactivity to upsetting and distressing thoughts.

Reframing: Also known as cognitive reappraisal, reframing is a form of emotional regulation in which one changes one’s perspective/story to take the sting out of an annoying/upsetting/frustrating situation. Reframing is an effective emotional regulation technique that’s been shown to lower emotional distress and irritability. By helping the person explore why they’re irritable and how they might reframe their story, you’re not only demonstrating concern and compassion for them, you could help them find a silver lining that can reframe their situation more positively.

What’s more, reframing, mindfulness and gratitude are techniques from which you too can benefit as they can help mitigate your own elevated stress and irritability when they’re affected by the moods of the people around you. As such, you could consider suggesting to the irritable person in your life that the two of you practice them together. Doing this may also make them feel less defensive and more open to considering your request.

4. Acknowledge that you’re asking them to do something that isn’t so easy

Irritability can feel very compelling and justified, and the urge to just lash out at someone can be strong. As such, let them know that if they were willing to work on minimizing the severity and or frequency of their irritability you would be very appreciative and be truly grateful for the work they would have to put forth to do so.

However, if you’ve attempted to address these issues with the other person and they are either uninterested or incapable of adopting them, you might consider, when possible, limiting your contact with them so you’re less impacted by their irritability. Moods come and go and even underlying conditions tend to manifest in cycles, so it might be wise to take a step back until the person is in a better place emotionally.

That said, by addressing the issue with the person directly, the hope is that they’ll take steps to improve their mood and irritability and that the next time you feel yourself becoming irritable, you can take these steps yourself before your partner or friend sits you down for a talk about your bad mood.

To read his “Dear Guy” columns, go here. Watch his TEDx Linnaeus University Talk now: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who is a leading advocate for integrating the science of emotional health into our daily lives. His three TED Talks have been viewed over 20 million times, and his science-based self-help books have been translated into 26 languages. He also writes the Squeaky Wheel blog for PsychologyToday.com and has a private practice in New York City.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Mathilde Aubier

Since I started writing the “Dear Guy” column, I’ve received many letters from readers asking why some people in their lives just seem unable to apologize — even when they’re clearly in the wrong.

Are they just stubborn? Or is there something in their psychology that stops them from being able to take responsibility for their actions and simply say they’re sorry?

To be clear, even the most conscientious among us occasionally fails to apologize. When this happens, it’s usually for one of two reasons: (1) We don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to take on the emotional discomfort of owning our mistake and apologizing for it; or (2) We believe our apology won’t matter.

For example, let’s say you snapped at a colleague who interrupted you while you were racing to meet a tight deadline. If you think the coworker already holds a grudge against you for an earlier incident, you may skip apologizing since you feel it really won’t help your relationship with them.

People who can’t apologize appear to be tough individuals who refuse to back down. But they don’t do this because they’re strong — it’s because they’re weak.

But what about the people who can never admit they’ve misstepped, no matter the circumstance? What makes them incapable of apologizing even when they’re obviously in the wrong? For these people, admitting wrongdoing and offering an apology is too psychologically threatening. Offering an apology implies that they’ve harmed another person in some way, which can elicit feelings of shame.

People who cannot apologize often have such deep feelings of low self-worth that their fragile egos cannot absorb the blow of admitting they were wrong. So their defense mechanisms kick in — at times, unconsciously —  and they may externalize any blame and even dispute basic facts to ward off the threat of having to lower themselves by offering an apology. When they double down on their wrongness by blaming circumstances, denying the facts, or attacking the other person or people involved, non-apologizers can make themselves feel empowered rather than diminished.

Unfortunately, many of us mistakenly interpret these people’s fragility-driven defensiveness as a sign of psychological strength. That’s because outwardly they appear to be tough individuals who refuse to back down. But they don’t do this because they’re strong — it’s because they’re weak.

Psychologically speaking, admitting that we’re wrong is emotionally uncomfortable and painful to our sense of self. In order to take responsibility and apologize, our self-esteem needs to be strong enough for us to absorb that discomfort. Indeed, if our self-esteem is higher and stable, we can tolerate the temporary ding that such an admission involves — without the walls around our ego crumbling.

But if our self-esteem is seemingly high but actually fragile, that ding can pierce through our defensive walls and score a direct hit to our ego. Indeed, as a rule of psychological thumb, the more rigid one’s defense mechanisms are, the more fragile the ego they’re protecting.

The mistake we often make when faced with someone incapable of apologizing is to become irate and try to win our argument with them. But the sad reality is: We’ll never win.

The mistake we often make when faced with someone who’s habitually incapable of apologizing is to become irate (for good reason, of course) and try to win our argument with them (because we’re right!). But the sad and frustrating reality is we can never win. Even if we demonstrated that they were wrong in stark, inarguable facts, they will either deny those inarguable facts or pivot to a personal attack by saying something like “Why do you always make things difficult and unpleasant?!?”.

In these situations, the best we can do is to make our points as calmly and as convincingly as we can and then disengage from the argument when it becomes unproductive — like when they dispute the facts, come up with ridiculous excuses or pivot to petty remarks. Once they calm down and once they no longer feel attacked, we can then look for signs of contrition. Are they extra kind or solicitous to us? This is their way of unconsciously trying to mend the relationship with us in ways that aren’t threatening to their sense of self. By going that extra mile in the aftermath of their misdoing, they can feel good about themselves rather than bad.

If the non-apologizer is a close connection, tap into your empathy and compassion. Remind yourself that beneath their stubborn exterior, they are incredibly vulnerable.

OK, so what can you do about the non-apologizers in your own life? Especially if they’re your family members, coworkers or friends? Well, if they are not people you interact with regularly, you can consider minimizing contact with them. But if they are close connections, you can try to make your peace with them.

The best way to do this is to accept their behavior — annoying as it is — and realize they’re simply psychologically incapable of apologizing. What’s more, they’re not going to change. Practicing acceptance can help you disengage from arguments with them and help you limit your feelings of frustration, anger and hurt.

Then, if the non-apologizer is a close connection of yours, you can also tap into your empathy and compassion. Remind yourself that beneath their stubborn-as-a-bull exterior, they are incredibly vulnerable.

The bottom line is this: We all have moments when we refuse to admit we’re wrong. But when someone never takes responsibility and is habitually incapable of apologizing, it’s a sign that they’re a person with a fragile ego and a weak sense of self.

Got an interpersonal problem that you can’t figure out on your own? Psychologist Guy Winch answers readers’ questions about life, love, work and what matters most. Please send them to dearguy@ted.com; for his previous columns, go here.

Watch his talk on emotional first aid now: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who is a leading advocate for integrating the science of emotional health into our daily lives. His three TED Talks have been viewed over 20 million times, and his science-based self-help books have been translated into 26 languages. He also writes the Squeaky Wheel blog for PsychologyToday.com and has a private practice in New York City.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Angus Greig

The loss of a friendship can be devastating.

Whether it’s the slow drifting apart from a childhood friend, the sudden, sharp distance created by a disagreement, or one of the many relationships that have quietly fallen away during the pandemic, losing someone that you thought would always be in your life is profoundly jarring.

But friendship breakups will happen over the course of our lives, and we need to start learning how to deal with them in healthy ways, says friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson.

The most significant thing we need to do, says Jackson, is normalize the fact that sometimes friendships do end and that can actually be healthy. However, we haven’t been taught to carry this expectation into our friend relationships.

“We’re not looking at our friends through a lens of ‘Gosh, I hope this works out’, but we’ll do that with a romantic partner for sure,” says Jackson. “With a partner, we wonder if they’re going to be the one. But with friends, we assume they’re the one from the minute we establish that we like each other.”

And because we don’t view the loss of a friendship as a normal occurrence, it feels like a personal failing when it happens and something we should be ashamed of. Or, as Jackson puts it, “If friendship is supposed to be easy and yours ended, what did you do wrong?”

But that isn’t the case.

Friendships, like any relationship, sometimes aren’t meant to be — and even if they are, maintaining them takes real work. Kristen Newton has been interested in this work for years and founded HEARTConvos, which aims to help people who feel stuck in unsatisfying friendships have the kind of open and honest communication that keeps a friendship healthy.

“[Otherwise] I think we feel blindsided because we belittle the value and significance of our social connections and friendship. Yet we recognize the weight that they carry when they don’t work out, and we experience that hurt and disappointment,” she says.

So, how do you get over a friendship that has ended?  Here, she and Jackson share their advice:

1. Give yourself space to grieve the loss

This is the most important place to start. Be honest with other people in your life about what you’re going through, and try using the same language and self-care that you would during a breakup with a partner.

“Definitely get the ice cream!” says Jackson. “I think some of us try to be tough, and it feels a little juvenile — maybe a little vulnerable — to say ‘My feelings are hurt and I am sad over a friendship’. Feel the feelings the same way you would grieve over a romantic breakup.”

Newton agrees. “To the brain, a breakup is a breakup,” she says. “Sometimes people are wrestling through stages of grief. Then you start asking yourself: ‘Was I unhealthily attached to this person in a romantic way?’ [Because] I’ve only ever associated this type of pain in a romantic connection or with an egregious hurt in my family.”

But friendships are just as important and the feelings tied up in them just as profound — more even, because we expect them to last much longer. When Jackson posted a TikTok about this emotional significance of friendship early in 2021, the comments took an unexpected turn. “I was surprised by how much pain there was surrounding lost friendships. That wasn’t even what the video was about, but that’s where the conversation went. So I think a lot of us are still hurt by those things and looking for a space to process how to move on.”

2. Get closure, if you can

With a romantic partner, there’s usually a breakup conversation and you know that you’re either in the relationship or you’re not, says Jackson. “But the very blurry nature of starting and ending friendships makes it hard to navigate to the end — because when is it the end?”

Newton recommends “diagnosing” what has gotten you to where you are — this means asking yourself a lot of questions. What exactly happened? How is it affecting me? No, how is it really affecting me?

Then, you can do your best to get clarity from your friend at this stage. “You can think about why everything is settling the way that it is. That is not in an effort to change the other person’s mind, but just so that you have a sense of closure as you’re going into that loss,” Newton says.

If a friendship has ended badly, this may mean accepting that you won’t get to have a final conversation with them, says Jackson. “Try your best to stop replaying and rehearsing what you should have said. But if a part of your healing process might be to say your piece, or to apologize if you are the one who did something wrong, then you need to apologize whether they write you back or not.”

3. Identify what you need to do to move on

“Once you have a proper diagnosis of the impact of the breakup on your life and on your mental and emotional state, then you can treat it properly,” says Newton.

This might mean talking through things with someone you trust, creating space for yourself to grieve some more, or removing things from your life that trigger memories you’re not quite ready to process yet.

Jackson recommends moving towards using the language of gratitude. “Once you can start to put the relationship in the language of the past tense and say, ‘You know what, I’m so thankful they were in my life during this season,’ you can have gratitude for it and not feel bitter.”

4. Assess the health and boundaries of your other friendships

One of the biggest worries that comes with a friendship breakup can be how it will impact your wider group of friends. Trust these other connections, says Newton, and don’t try to hide what’s happening. “If I cut off my hand, the rest of the body is going to notice that I don’t have a hand anymore. But when friend groups don’t have healthy boundaries as a part of their friend culture, if one person falls out with another person within the group, the whole group is going to fall away.”

Great, you’re thinking — even more loss! But if that’s what ends up happening, it means those friendships weren’t healthy to begin with, and they are not well set up to support you. A huge part of maintaining healthy boundaries, says Newton, is realizing that it’s OK to have different levels of connection with each other within a group. You can feel very close to some people; others only enter your life because they are friends with your friends.

Make it a habit to take the pulse of your most important friendships regularly. “Be in the habit of debriefing your relationships, keeping tabs on one another and saying ‘Hey, how are we doing?’,” says Newton.

It’s easy to assume our friends will always be there, but close relationships require maintenance. This involves having very real conversations, and regularly checking in with each other in a meaningful way that can flag problems before they become problems.

5. Remember that you still deserve friendship

It’s not always easy to meet new people, especially once you get past your 20s, but it’s important not to let the loss of one friend make you feel unworthy.

“I see it become a barrier sometimes to making new friends,” says Jackson, “because we find so much of our identity in our friends. So when a friendship is over, what does that mean for me and who I am?” Losing that sense of belonging and acceptance is hard and all the more reason to work on developing an unconditional sense of self-worth that is innate and can support you through difficult times.

Lastly, Newton says, it is important to understand that “the overwhelming sense of emotion that we feel amidst a breakup sometimes can feel paralyzing.” It can be very difficult to cope with. “Give yourself the freedom and permission to feel what you feel, remind yourself of what is true, and act on what you believe.”

Watch Kristen Newton’s TEDxIUPUI talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mary Halton is Assistant Ideas Editor at TED, and a science journalist based in the Pacific Northwest.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Nadine Redlich

Our bodies are designed to respond to touch, and not just to sense the environment around us.

We actually have a network of dedicated nerve fibers in our skin that detect and emotionally respond to the touch of another person — affirming our relationships, our social connections and even our sense of self.

So, what happens when we don’t receive that?

This was one of the first questions that neuroscientist Helena Wasling PhD considered when social distancing restrictions were introduced to curb the spread of COVID-19. Based at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden, she has studied these nerves — known as C tactile or CT afferents — and their importance to our emotions for over a decade.

“What struck me very early on, in the first week of being told that we were restricted from touch,  was that people no longer knew how to behave,” she says.

Even if you don’t consider yourself to be a tactile person, touch is — or was — embedded in the social structure of our lives. From meeting a new colleague and evaluating their handshake to giving a friend a long hug when we haven’t seen them in a while, it is one of the fundamental ways we have all learned to relate to one another. “To take it away is a very big intervention,” says Wasling.

New York based psychologist Guy Winch PhD agrees; “Touch is something we associate with emotional closeness, and we associate the absence of it with emotional distance. We may not fully appreciate it, but in pre-pandemic life there were literally dozens of small moments of touch throughout the day.”

This is significant not just in the landscape of our minds, but that of our bodies. Being emotionally and socially responsive to touch is so biologically fundamental to us that CT afferents are present over almost every inch of our skin, absent only from the palms of our hands and the soles of our feet.

These nerves are, Wasling explains in her TEDxGöteborg talk, particularly attuned to three things: a light touch, gently moving, and around 32 degrees Celsius (89F). Which just happens to be human skin temperature. So they are programmed to be most responsive to a gentle caress from another person.

Rather than simply telling our brains that this touch has happened — this is the role of other receptors in the skin that help the primary somatosensory cortex to processes physical sensations — CT afferents instead send signals to the insular cortex. “This is a deeper part of the cortex that deals more with your emotional equilibrium,” explains Wasling. “So you will get kind of a vague sensation. In the best of cases, it will be: ‘That was nice. I’m accepted. I feel safer now. Someone is counting on me.’ CT afferents also have pathways to parts of the brain that deal with who you are socially.”

For people who have now been living without that connection for a long time, it can be incredibly difficult, says Winch. “I have friends and patients that I work with who have not been touched in a year. At all. Not a handshake. And they are really suffering for it. There’s something that feels very distancing and cold about not having any kind of option for an embrace, and that can leave long lasting scars.”

Hugs, the form of touch we probably all miss the most, are particularly important and emotionally nourishing, says Winch. “When someone’s crying and we hold them, we’re doing it to comfort, but what it allows them to do is cry more. People usually will hold it together until somebody puts an arm around them, and then they’ll break down because that hug represents security and safety, and because of the closeness we feel when we know and trust that person.”

Moreover, the benefits of touch that we are missing out on are not just emotional and social but also physical; it can reduce pain and stress, as well as giving us a general feeling of wellbeing. These are the areas, says Wasling, where we may be able to support ourselves when we need to go for prolonged periods without social touch.

Here are some of the ways that we can ease the difficulty of living without this closeness — both for ourselves, and the people in our lives:

Take a shower or have a warm bath.

Although it doesn’t elicit quite the same physiological response as interpersonal touch, Wasling says the slow movement of the water on your skin is likely to generate a CT afferent response. Having a warm bath also relaxes your muscles, which can help to alleviate tension.

Cuddle a pet, or ask to walk someone else’s.

“Just being close to a furry animal has been shown to lower your stress, reduce your heart rate and your blood pressure,” says Wasling. You also have a social relationship with your pet — they rely on you and need you to show up for them.

There’s been a noted increase in people adopting pets during the pandemic, and at least one study has identified the potential therapeutic benefits of human-animal relationships when we are denied our normal level of human social interaction.

If you are able to see anyone in person, be wholly present — even if you can’t touch.

When we remove touch from our social interactions, we should consider what else we can emphasize instead. “Maybe we could be better at looking each other in the eyes, if we do have physical meetings,” suggests Wasling. “We can make sure that we see each other, because touching a person is a way of saying that ‘I see you, I acknowledge your existence.’”

Don’t be afraid to have deeper, more meaningful conversations where you really listen — especially if you know someone might be isolated or lonely. While these interactions don’t activate the same touch-based neural pathways, they still stimulate our social sense of belonging and intimacy, says Winch.

Don’t just “check in” on people who are alone — connect with them meaningfully.

It feels like everyone from our employers to the Twittersphere to US vice president Kamala Harris is reminding us to check in on our single friends. But are we going the right way about it?

“When we say ‘check in’ that’s like a checkbox. Tick; done,” says Winch. But that really isn’t enough. While the boredom and frustration of lockdowns are similar experiences for everyone, being isolated from the regular physical closeness of friends and family is uniquely difficult for people who are alone; the elderly, those who live by themselves, and those who are in high risk categories and cannot chance even one hug.

“If you just check in, that’s not going to be sufficient. You should be talking for at least 15 – 20 minutes for that to be a meaningful conversation. You have to really connect,” says Winch. If you’re both feeling Zoom fatigue, try each taking a walk while you talk on the phone.

If friends have described feeling ghostly or unreal, do your best to appreciate that the absence of touch has been a significant emotional loss for them during this time. One that you may never fully understand. Try not to say “I know how you feel,” if you are not in the same position.

“You know that when you touch things, they’re real to you,” says Wasling. “One of the reasons why I think touch is so important is that it makes you convinced you have a place in the social world of other people.”

As we look towards a vaccinated future, it is difficult to know right now how the pandemic will change our social attitudes towards touch in the long term. Will we still shake hands? Hug colleagues? A UK study conducted from January to March 2020, mostly before lockdown measures were introduced, found that 54 percent of people already felt they had too little touch in their lives. So we may well want this aspect of our lives to return as soon as possible.

But one facet that worries Winch is how the pandemic has actually reshaped our relationship with touch; “We took the thing that represents something so close, intimate and important, and now it represents something that’s actually dangerous and you should avoid. Even if we don’t fully register it, we are going to feel surges of anxiety at the idea of getting a hug. It’s going to take a while to bring us down from the danger alert of touch.”

Watch Helena Wasling’s TEDxGöteborg Talk here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mary Halton is Assistant Ideas Editor at TED, and a science journalist based in the Pacific Northwest.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Maria Medem

Have you ever been asked “What’s your love language?”

Chances are, you have. Because the concept — first created by counselor and pastor Gary Chapman, unpacked in a series of books, and picked up by many others — has spread far and wide. The five love languages refer to the five simple ways that we want love to be shown to us and the ways that we show others love.

I’m a relationship researcher, and while I haven’t empirically studied the love languages concept, other academics have. Some of the published studies confirm the validity of love languages, revealing they can increase people’s relationship satisfaction and longevity.

What I find so helpful about love languages is that they express a basic truth. Implicit to the concept is a common-sense idea: We don’t feel or experience love in the same way. Some of us will only be content when we hear the words “I love you,” some prize quality time together, while some will feel most cared for when our partner scrubs the toilet.

In this way, love is a bit like a country’s currency: One coin or bill has great value in a particular country, less value in the countries that border it, and zero value in many other countries. In relationships, it’s essential to learn the emotional currency of the humans we hold dear and identifying their love language is part of it.

No matter your situation — whether you’re living alone, spending 24/7 with a partner or roommates, living with adult kids or steering younger kids through virtual school —  the five love languages are a highly effective set of tools to have in your relational toolkit. When we know what another person’s love language is, we can choose the gestures that will most resonate with our partner, friend, parent or child. And when we know which actions speak to us and make us feel loved, we can ask other people for exactly what we need.

While there are plenty of online quizzes to tell you what your love language is, it’s easy to figure out yours and what your loved ones’ are by looking at what lights them up, what presents they give you (since many of us bestow on others what we would most like), and what their perfect day would look and feel like.

Here’s a look at the five languages and how they can be applied and optimized — even during a pandemic:

Love language #1: Words of affirmation

Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them. For example: “I really loved it when you made dinner last night”; “Wow, it was so nice of you to organize that neighborhood bonfire”; or just “I love you.”

For the people in your life that you’re not seeing in person because of the pandemic, you could film a short video to send them. My kindergarten-aged goddaughter and I haven’t been together  in 7+ months, but we text each other silly videos of us saying — or even singing — what we miss most about each other.

And for the people you are seeing all of the time these days, remember that even making tiny gestures matters. This is my primary love language, and my husband of 29 years knows it. I’ll often wake up and go into the kitchen to find a sweet post-it note next to a glass of ice water on the counter (which is another love language — an act of service).

Love language #2: Acts of service

Some of us feel most loved when others lend a helping hand or do something kind for us. A friend of mine is currently going through chemotherapy and radiation, putting her at high risk for COVID-19 and other infections. Knowing that her love language is acts of service, a group of neighbor friends snuck over under the cover of darkness in December and filled her flower pots in front of her house with holiday flowers and sprigs. Others have committed to shoveling her driveway all winter. (It’s Minnesota, so that’s big love.)

In your home, you could be proactive and do something that eases your person’s daily grind. Why not take on the chore that everyone avoids doing, whether that’s cleaning the oven, changing the litter box, scraping ice off the car, or filling and running the dishwasher? For anyone whose love tank is filled up by people pitching in, seeing someone intentionally scanning the environment to figure out what they can do to make their environment better sends a clear and loving message to them.

Love language #3: Gifts

Those of us whose love language is gifts aren’t necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, it’s the thought that counts.

When you’re out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommate’s favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter — whose love language is gifts — is a junior in college and we know she’ll adore what’s in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. It’s an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.

Love language #4: Quality time

Having another person’s undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, it’s actually one of the easiest to engage in.

Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues you’ve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse — no phones or “I’m just going to turn on the TV for a second” distractions allowed. Nothing says “I love you” in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.

Love language #5: Physical touch

Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.

I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub — literally. They’d do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, they’re experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.

While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone who’s overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace — something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person — can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.

Love languages are a worthwhile concept to become fluent in during this pandemic time — and at this time in the world. Long before COVID arrived on the scene, we were already living through an epidemic of loneliness. Loneliness is not just about being alone; it’s about experiencing a lack of satisfying emotional connections. By taking the time to learn each other’s love languages and then using them, we can strengthen our relationships and our bonds to others.

Watch Carol Bruess’s TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carol Bruess PhD Carol Bruess (rhymes with “peace”) is professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas, Minnesota; resident scholar at St. Norbert College, Wisconsin; and forever passionate about studying and improving relationships. She is fluent in emoji, loves parentheticals (it’s what all the cool kids are doing), and is happy-dancing her way through empty-nesting (although don’t tell her kids; they think she’s all weepy). Check out her five books and sewing/design shenanigans over at www.carolbruess.com

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Raúl Soria

Want an easy way to brighten another person’s day? Offer them specific, heartfelt praise, says educator Cheryl Ferguson.

We’ve all been on the receiving end of a half-hearted compliment, whether it was a generic “nice work” from a colleague or a chirpy “you look nice” from someone who couldn’t pick out our outfit from a police lineup. And being human, we’ve probably handed out our own fair share of faint praise.

But what if we all made a collective vow today and said “No more bland compliments!”

It takes only a tiny bit more effort to turn a vague comment into the kind of praise that will make someone’s day, says Winnipeg, Canada, high school music educator Cheryl Ferguson. Here are the three basic components of an effective compliment.

Use their name.

It sounds simple, but it’s impossible to emphasize how much it means to someone when you call them by their name. “Using a person’s name,” says Ferguson, “tells them they’re worth your time and worth knowing.”

Make your compliment as specific as possible.

As director of a high school band, Ferguson has led countless concerts and heard countless audience members come up to her young musicians at the end of the performance and tell them, “Good job.” She says, “You’d be surprised at the different reaction [you get] from students if you say something like, ‘The way you played that note at the end of the second movement made my heart flutter, and it took me back to the moment I saw my son Nate for the first time.’ Their eyes get wide and they say, ‘Thank you!’”

The next time you’re tempted to settle for a “Good job,” take a moment and either describe the effect that the job had on you (or other people) or name what was so special about what they did. Say something like, “I really appreciated the extra time you spent with that customer — I could tell it made a huge difference to them.”

Instead of “you look nice,” say “That color is great on you — you should wear it more often” or “Your haircut is great — it makes you look so polished.”

Try not to praise and run.

If you have the time and the desire, consider following up your compliment with a question, such as “What made you decide to spend extra time with her?” or “Where did you get that sweater?”

But just as important as asking a question is this: “You have to stick around to hear the answer,” says Ferguson. While it sounds obvious, we’ve all been guilty of throwing out a “Hey, how are you?” and not waiting to find out.

Watch her TEDxWinnipeg talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mary Halton is Assistant Ideas Editor at TED, and a science journalist based in the Pacific Northwest.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Raúl Soria

A simple framework for delivering a short, sincere “I’m sorry,” from criminal defense attorney Jahan Kalantar.

Quick question: What’s the worst part of apologizing?

A) Working up the courage to admit we were wrong.

B) Standing in front of the other person and saying that we’re sorry.

C) Waiting for a reaction from the other person after we’ve spoken.

You’re on your own with the first and third parts, but Jahan Kalantar, a criminal defense attorney in Sydney, Australia, is here to assist with the second.

In his profession, apologies matter a great deal. “I’m talking about the difference between going to jail and going home, the difference between seeing your children twice a year or twice a week,” says Kalantar.

But even when there’s a lot at stake, and even when you feel genuine remorse, you may still find it hard to apologize — searching for the perfect words that, as Kalantar puts it, “communicate vulnerability and gratitude.”

He suggests a simple “why-because-and” framework:

Start by looking the other person in the eye.

Say why you’re sorry.

For example: “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your housewarming party …” or “I’m sorry I handed in my proposal one day late …”

Explain the because behind your remorse.

For example: “… because I know you were so excited to show me your home …” or “… because I know you need those numbers to figure out the budget …”

Finish with an and.

For example: “… and when you have another party, I’ll be there.” or “… and I’ll send you the report tomorrow and I’ll be sure to meet all future deadlines.”

Kalantar’s method identifies what went wrong, acknowledges fault, and then points towards a solution. In cases such as a silver-wedding anniversary dinner, there is no obvious and to offer, but you can say something like “… and I’d love to celebrate with you and Mary in the future.”

Through your words and tone of voice, you should make it clear that you’ve thought about your actions and you’re truly sorry. “The next time you make a mistake … don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and authentic, because the power of any message is how honest of a place it starts its journey,” says Kalantar.

Watch his TEDxSydney talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carly Alaimo is a writer and content specialist living in Atlanta, Georgia.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.