Winston Thomas

Ideas change everything —  and since language lets us share our ideas, learning how to use it well gives speakers the power to inspire people and even change how they think.

To help young people develop these skills and practice their public speaking, TED-Ed has created an exciting new video series! Public Speaking 101 is an 11-episode course that will teach you how to identify, develop, and share your best ideas, while mastering essential communication skills along the way. This course is great to use in classroom settings, for parents looking to guide their children on presentation and public speaking skills, or for independent learners who work best at their own pace.

How Public Speaking 101 works

The course guides you in developing your own TED-style talk through a progression of videos. Each episode focuses on an integral part of giving an engaging, memorable, and transformative talk. This ranges from strategies to uncover your best ideas, to choosing your presentation style, connecting with an audience, developing body language, and more.

The course uses excerpts from past TED speakers to highlight key ideas and prompts, and to offer a deeper understanding of what makes a talk meaningful to an audience. Each episode also comes with supporting resources and materials for further learning. This includes multiple choice questions that review the content of the episode, writing and brainstorming exercises, and a vocabulary list.

Here are the first 6 episodes of the course, with more to come by the end of 2025:

Episode 1: What happens when you share an idea?

Learn how to identify the qualities that make an idea worth sharing with an audience.

Episode 2: How to uncover your best ideas

Uncover your best ideas by exploring your unique experiences, interests, and perspective.

Episode 3: How to communicate clearly

Discover how to put together the throughline, or main idea that acts as a connective thread or roadmap for your presentation.

Episode 4: What’s the best way to give a presentation?

Decide on a presentation plan that makes you feel prepared to communicate an idea to an audience confidently and passionately.

Episode 5: How to speak with meaning

Learn to develop your voice and body language so that you are conveying meaning authentically, confidently, and comfortably.

Episode 6: 5 ways to connect with people

Find a way to build trust, interest, and a connection with your audience so that they will be open to what you have to say.

For educators looking to support students in building public speaking and communication skills in the classroom, check out TED-Ed Student Talks. This program provides free, customizable activities for educators to guide their students in identifying, developing, and sharing their ideas with each other and the world. You can find a sample of the Student Talks curriculum and more information here.

Watch the episodes and check out the course materials here, and make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss the latest installments!

Xixi Wang

At TED-Ed, we’re passionate about sharing diverse and meaningful student voices with the world.

Since 2014, thousands of student groups across the globe have been developing and sharing their ideas using our free TED-Ed Student Talks resources.

To celebrate 10 years of TED-Ed Student Talks (also known as TED-Ed Clubs), we are introducing a new “10 for 10 years” series. The first in this series highlights 10 updated features from the new-and-improved Facilitator Guidebook and Student Idea Journal! We will continue to celebrate this exciting milestone with additional posts as part of this series.

 “A great talk can have a huge impact — maybe on millions of people, maybe on just one. But no talk can be great without a lot of thought and hard work. The best speakers go through a process to transform their idea into something others want to share.”

Feedback from facilitators who have used the Guidebook and Student Idea Journal with students in primary and secondary schools have enabled these materials to become even more flexible, fun, thoughtful, and aligned with 21st century skills.

So, what’s new? Creative analogies that represent the talk journey, guidance on effective source evaluation and fact-checking, student TED Talks that serve as models, and facilitation planners to help leaders customize their experience.

Here are 10 new features you can expect from our latest resource release:

 1. Enhanced facilitator support

The updated Facilitator Guidebook helps facilitators adapt and customize our 13 Explorations (modules with activity blocks) to engage students in discovering, developing, and sharing their TED-Ed Student Talks. We’ve provided tips, space and timing estimates to help plan effectively while aligning these materials with important learning objectives like identifying and reflecting on their experiences and curiosities, researching and thinking critically about ideas, writing and presenting compelling stories, giving and receiving feedback, and understanding the perspectives of others. We’ve also made it easier for facilitators to move between the two core resources, our Facilitator Guidebook and Student Ideas Journal, and truly use these resources in tandem.

 2. The water you swim in

During his graduation speech, David Foster Wallace tells a short fable about fish swimming in water, which highlights that we often aren’t aware how our day-to-day experiences might differ from the experiences of others. We use this fable and the analogy of the water we swim in everyday to ask students to explore their own experiences more deeply because when we understand ourselves more fully, it can help us identify what ideas we have to share. This framing helps students grow their cultural and global awareness, perspective taking, and critical thinking skills.

“To give a truly powerful talk, it helps to start with a topic that excites you, in some way defines you, or about which you care deeply.”

3. An idea is like a gift

Great speakers give their audiences a gift that they can apply to their lives and use to expand their perspectives. That’s how great ideas can spread. In these new activities, students think about how an idea is like a gift, and what gift they could give their audience. This helps students with listening and critical thinking skills.

4. The tour guide and the talk roadmap

We compare a successful speaker to a tour guide, in the way they guide their audience on a tour of their idea and ensure that everyone has the information they need to follow along. In this activity, students use the talk roadmap planner to identify what to include in their talk in order to support their idea and take the audience on an engaging journey from start to finish. This new concept helps students with writing skills and tandem peer feedback activities help with students’ listening skills.

Xixi Wang

5. Research and source evaluation

Thorough research is the best way to prepare for critics or skeptics in any room. With TED-Ed Student Talks activities, students learn how to build trust and a solid foundation with an audience through the use of credible sources, verifiable facts, and specificity to support their idea.

A successful speaker draws on their experience, research and “borrowed credibility” (drawing upon the work of experts) in order to create a solid foundation to build upon, provide specificity by, and allows the speaker to consider counter arguments from possible critics. These activities help students grow their research skills.

6. Effective and engaging storytelling

When a story is told well, it can turn data, descriptions of events, and information into something exciting and engaging for an audience. Students explore how they can tell an engaging story, and make sure their audience can follow along and really imagine what the speaker is saying. These activities help students with writing skills.

 “Asking thoughtful questions is a superpower; through these activities students learn to ask questions of themselves, of their peers, and of the world around them.”

7. Fact-checking checklist

It’s important to present information in a way that is compelling — and 100% credible. Students learn how to assess what they claim and make sure it is fully credible with their own checklist based on what TED stage speakers go through with their curators. It is an important process for any event curator to know what sources a speaker used to support their claims and details in their talk. This activity helps students with critical thinking and research skills.

8. Ride the wave delivery tips

Public speaking can be nerve-racking and scary — like facing a giant incoming wave in the ocean. Students are shown how to harness the adrenaline and emotion they often feel before they step in front of an audience. The activities provide tips and tricks for students to not only overcome their fear of the approaching wave, but get up and ride it instead.

9. Using TED Talks to prepare for the stage

We believe that showcasing student ideas can bring people together, help celebrate diverse values, and create an inclusive future. And we want students to see what they can be. TED Talks from fellow students are used to illustrate concepts, help students analyze talks, and allow them to visualize themselves on stage. Students observe Anika, Ashton, Ethan, and Shreya (via both their talk video and talk transcripts) to see how they brought their idea to life on stage.

Xixi Wang

10. The talk rubric

At TED, we believe that a well-developed presentation uses communication in a clear and engaging way that puts the audience first. In order to assess if they have progressed and are successfully engaging their audience, facilitators and students are provided with our definitions for clarity, organization, impact, applicability, credibility, and delivery. The rubric allows facilitators and students to assess whether they have improved and where they might need continued improvement to share their idea the best way possible.

Thanks for celebrating 10 years of amplifying students’ ideas with us! Share this post or our website, which details our registration process, with anyone you think would be interested in helping students develop their TED-Ed Student Talks. You can also learn more about the TED-Ed Student Talks resource and registration process.

Here are some common FAQs:

Q: How much time does this process take?

A: Completing the 13 Explorations and staging the Presentations can take anywhere from 10-20 hours (15 hours is the average). This varies depending on the pace of instruction and how many Explorations the group completes. Facilitators are provided with facilitator planning pages to help think through this based on the activities and learning objectives listed.

Q: How will students engage with the resources?

A: A sample approach to student engagement is what one district calls “all -> some -> few”. In this model, all students do the first two units. Students with strong ideas and the ability to spend extra time working then move onto the last unit. We think exposure to the material can be beneficial no matter how many activities students experience so facilitators can design different ways for students to engage.

Q: How can you celebrate student ideas when they are complete?

A: We provide more details about the TED-Ed Student Talks Showcase, hosting a TEDx event, and submitting strong student talks to the TED-Ed team for review in our Exploration Extras section at the end of this guidebook. We also encourage you to dream up different ways to highlight students within your community!

Q: Can we watch other TED Talks?

A: We provide a list of additional talks to watch in the Exploration Extras section, including specific playlists of younger student videos. We also provide transcripts of the TED Talks so that students can analyze the talk script in addition to watching the talk. Each talk on TED.com has a transcript available.

Q: Is there space for student leadership?

A: Yes! Some roles students can be encouraged to do are: social media manager, photographer, video production coordinator, or Exploration leader.

Q: Can I create a TED talk too?

A: We definitely encourage educators to create talks along with their students! This can create a release of responsibility structure, as students learn from modeled behavior, practice that behavior as a group, then do so independently (e.g. share how you would complete a sentence or answer a question as a model for the students). Additionally, if you’re interested in sharing your talk on a TED stage, check out your local TEDx events or look into our TED-Ed Educator Talks program.

Interested in learning more about TED-Ed Student Talks? Check out our Student Talks page here to find out how the program works and how you can get involved.

Stocksy

On TED’s How to Be a Better Human podcast, host Chris Duffy speaks to an exciting mix of world-class researchers, thinkers and doers (read on to find out more!) and learns actionable takeaways that we can all use to improve our days and nights. Read on to learn the advice that he’s personally found the most helpful, and listen to episodes here.

As host of TED’s How to Be a Better Human podcast, I’ve found that one of the most common reactions people have upon hearing about the show is to ask me: “What have you learned from it? And how can I become a better human?”

Well, actually, that’s sugarcoating it a bit. If I’m honest, what really happens when people learn about the show is they raise their eyebrows and look me over, seemingly thinking: “Who the heck are you, podcast boy, to think you can tell us about becoming a better human?”

That’s why I almost always quickly add, “I’m not the better human of the title! The better humans are the guests, and I’m just a regular person trying to understand their ideas.”

That being said, over two seasons and 62 episodes featuring interviews with a fascinating and diverse group of people — including a sleep researcher, a Native American chef, a data journalist and an award-winning Broadway set designer — even a lug like me has  picked up some insights.

Here are the pieces of advice that have stuck in my brain and that I’ve tried to apply in my own life:

1. Improve your relationship — by getting into a love triangle

George Blair-West MD is an Australian relationship expert, researcher and psychiatrist, and he’s been married for 34 years. He told me that the key to a long-lasting relationship of any kind is getting into a love triangle — unfortunately, not the kind you see on a telenovela.

No, what George meant by triangle is taking the same three steps over and over in your relationship.

Step one: You have to trust that when you share something vulnerable with your partner, they will respect your trust and not use it against you.

Step two: You test that trust by sharing something with them that you’re anxious about people knowing about you.

And step three: You keep building intimacy as you do this over and over and realize that your partner will still care about you, despite your shortcomings.

OK, it might not seem as spicy as the other kind of love triangle — but secrets, hidden weaknesses and building a deep, meaningful, passionate love? It’s still pretty good!

George’s advice is something that I think about a lot. Every time I’m afraid to have a conversation with my wife or admit how I’m really feeling to her, I remember George’s point that this is the whole thing! The best way to make your relationship deeper and stronger is by letting yourself be human, admitting the things you’re ashamed of and saying them out loud to your partner. Because when you say them and the other person loves you anyway? Ooh, baby! That’s the good stuff.

Go here to listen to the episode

2. You are bigger than your job

Greta Morgan is a writer and musician whose musical projects include Vampire Weekend, Springtime Carnivore and Gold Motel. She’s toured the world and played in front of huge venues full of adoring fans.

But then one day, she was diagnosed with a vocal disorder — one that took away her ability to sing. Suddenly, her ideas about what her life and her career would look like shifted dramatically.

So what would you do if the thing that defined you disappeared overnight? So many of us have melded our identities with our work, and in the process, we often forget who we really are. When I spoke to Greta, she made such a compelling case for how being forced to redefine herself ended up expanding her understanding of her creativity and resilience.

I’ve similarly struggled with tying my self-worth to my output and my career. Greta offered me a reminder that if we can let go of holding onto our ideas of who we are “supposed to be,” we will allow ourselves to grow and to discover our deeper, more authentic selves.

For me, that means valuing creative work I make and enjoy personally even if it doesn’t sell or make any money. And it means me being open to trying new things, even if they don’t necessarily fit under the umbrella of “comedy,” like writing a blog post for TED about how to be a better human.

Go here to listen to the episode

3. Never be afraid to make trouble

I have never identified with a joke more than when I heard comedian John Mulaney say: “You could pour hot soup on my lap, and I’ll probably apologize to you.”

I hate conflict, and I never want to make a fuss or create an uncomfortable situation. But my conversation with Luvvie Ajayi Jones convinced me this is actually not a trait to be proud of. Instead, standing up against the tide is a muscle I need to develop and grow instead.

Luvvie self-describes herself as a “professional troublemaker.” She says that if we really want to improve the world and tackle the big, important issues, meekly following the rules is not going to cut it. Talking to her completely reframed the idea of “trouble” for me, prompting me to think of it as a necessary step on the path to improvement rather than as a sign that I was being difficult or not a team player. So now I’m trying to assert myself whenever I feel a twinge of “That’s not right.”

A friend makes a problematic joke? Maybe I can have a conversation with them about it and not just laugh awkwardly.

There’s a person on the street who seems lost or confused? Maybe I can check in rather than assuming that they’d ask if they needed help. (Even typing this one makes me a little nervous since I’m imagining an older man yelling at me that he’s not confused or lost and how dare I insinuate he was!)

But I want to tackle these small scale, lower-stakes moments so I can get more comfortable with being uncomfortable. That way, when the big stuff happens, I’ll have the troublemaking muscles to do what needs to be done. I certainly wouldn’t say I’m a professional troublemaker yet, but maybe I’m an aspiring amateur.

Go here to listen to the episode

4. Be the best at having terrible ideas

Frans Johansson has spent his career studying innovation and what makes some ideas truly groundbreaking. One of the things that he’s discovered is it’s easy to find support for your ideas if you’re only making incremental changes.

Let’s say it’s 1970, and you’re working on making home telephones 10 percent more efficient. Everyone at the phone company would have been likely to get on board. But if you told them you were working on an idea to make phones that could work outdoors and without any wires, you’d likely be out in the cold. And yet, looking back, we can see clearly which idea was more valuable.

I’ve been trying to embrace that idea more in my own life — to take bigger swings. Frans says if you want to come up with novel solutions, you have to discard the first few things that come to mind, the obvious answers.

Try something bizarre! It might not work, but as Frans says, “The single most important factor is that you are interrupting your default thought.” Plus, when I set my goal as simply “come up with some terrible ideas” I immediately feel better, because I am so good at having bad ideas. In fact, I’ve decided it’s my specialty.

Go here to listen to the episode

5. Be a better talker — by shutting up

I talk for a living, whether it’s hosting this podcast, doing standup or pitching jokes for a TV show. But still, one of the times I’ve been most terrified when doing this podcast was when I was interviewing Celeste Headlee. She’s an award-winning journalist who has done everything from anchor morning news on public radio to covering presidential campaigns. She’s an expert on great conversations. So the pressure was high to have our conversation be… not terrible, you know?

Luckily, Celeste made my job easy and offered plenty of practical tips including how to pick one conversational skill to work on at a time. This small step can dramatically improve your relationships and your outcomes at work. For me, I’m working on shutting up more and, as Celeste puts it, “not equating talking with conversing.” Because if you want to have a great conversation, it’s not about following any tips and tricks for “seeming engaged” in the conversation – you have to actually be engaged. So I will now shut up.

Go here to listen to the episode

6. And if all else fails, try being perfect

Michael Schur is the comedy writer behind so many of my favorite TV shows, like Saturday Night Live, The Office, Parks and Recreation, The Good Place. (And, very occasionally in front of the scenes, like when he played Dwight’s terrifying cousin Mose in The Office). But Michael’s true passion isn’t jokes; it’s moral philosophy.

In our episode, Michael talked to me about why he’s obsessed with chasing after the eternal, perhaps unanswerable question of “how to be perfect” and why he believes caring about ethics — on any level — can actually make a difference. Whether it’s deciding which brand of environmentally friendly toilet paper I should buy (or should I actually just switch over to an electronic bidet), agonizing over if it’s OK to listen to music made by a terrible person, or deciding if it’s OK to lie in a list of ways to become a better person, I’m comforted by Michael’s reminder that people have been struggling over these questions for thousands of years. (Maybe not these exact questions, I don’t think electronic bidets existed until recently.)

He argues that the right thing to do is engage with the questions rather than ignore them and try to find a moral framework that we can stand by and stick to. I’m not there yet, but I’m thinking more deeply about the ethical quandaries inevitably posed by every decision I make (and I decided I’m just not ready for a bidet quite yet. Maybe next year …)

Go here to listen to the episode

Enjoyed this article? The advice doesn’t end here — we’re just getting started with new weekly episodes of How to Be a Better Human throughout the year. Give it a listen to receive more delicious, useful bites of insight that can help you in all parts of your life here.

Watch this special TED Membership conversation with Luvvie Ajayi Jones now: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Chris Duffy is a comedian, TV writer and radio/podcast host. He has written for National Geographic Explorer and for both seasons of Wyatt Cenac’s Problem Areas on HBO (executive produced by John Oliver). Duffy created the public radio program “You’re the Expert” and currently hosts the streaming show “Wrong Answers Only” for the National Academy of Sciences. He is both a former fifth-grade teacher and a former fifth-grade student.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Stocksy

How would you describe your feelings about social media?

Do words like “entertaining” and “connecting” come to mind — but also words like “exhausting” and “polarized”?

You’re not alone if you find social media to be both a space for staying informed and a space full of a lot of venom and disagreement. These days, that’s the landscape we log into and live in.

Here, Dylan Marron — author, podcast host and instructor of the TED Course “How to connect in a divided world” — explains the challenges that complicate our online conversations and how we can overcome them:

Challenge #1: A constant stream of information demands all our attention

Marron calls this the “Everything Storm.” There’s simply too much information being constantly shared for us to be able to absorb and respond to everything — and yet we’re often compelled to try. As a result, “we end up not knowing what to focus on and ultimately just exhaust ourselves,” Marron says in a lesson from his TED Course. And that’s how we may chime in on topics or  issues that we don’t really care about (or know much about) and say something that’s uninformed, inaccurate or just insensitive.

The solution: Realize that you don’t have to have an opinion about everything

It’s OK — and normal — that there are some topics you know more about and others you know absolutely nothing about, and limit your comments to the former. “By focusing on just one or two topics, by leaning on our own personal experience and not vague references to news stories we only half know, we can escape the storm or at the very least grab an umbrella as it wails around us,” says Marron.

Challenge #2: We have little space on social media to fully express ourselves

On many social platforms, conciseness is key. Some enforce strict character limits, while others tend to give more visibility to messages with fewer words. That’s conducive for speed and efficiency, but nuance and complexity end up falling by the wayside. As Marron puts it, “some of our thoughts are too messy, too complicated, too unformed to whittle them down into a bite-size package.”

The solution: Head to a space where there’s room for you to share complete thoughts

Talking on the phone or in person is ideal, but that’s not always possible. So rather than condensing your opinion into a short reply that’s ripe for misinterpretation, try taking a conversation to someone’s DMs. “Move to platforms and modes of communication that allow us to fully express ourselves without limitation,” Marron says.

Challenge #3: Social media has become a spectacle where we all compete for “likes”

Many parts of the internet have become a battleground, turning all — whether we like it or not — into spectators. We use emojis to cheer and boo, and often the supposed winner of a debate is  the one who gets the most “likes.” While this can sometimes be entertaining, it can interfere with forming genuine connections with other people.

The solution: Exit the arena

Again, this is where direct messages can come in handy. “Find a place far from the audience, where clapbacks and disses aren’t rewarded with instant points, and set up your conversation there,” suggests Marron.

You could start a private message with something like “I wanted to take this conversation here because it’s important to me.”

Challenge #4: We see anyone who disagrees with us as a troll

The above challenges are just a few of the structural hurdles that social media presents. But one of its biggest challenges is its impact on how we interact with — and view — other people. It’s sad but true: Many of us act differently online than we would in real life, often in more hurtful ways.

Internet harassers often see the people they harass as less than human, but “we also have to contend with the fact that our coping mechanism is to regard these harassers as inhuman entities themselves,” says Marron.

When both sides see each other this way, it leaves us all dangerously close-minded, each believing that we are inherently better than the other.

The solution: Remove “troll” from your vocabulary

If you truly want to have a meaningful exchange with someone else, you’ll need to have some empathy for them. In this case, that means “an active refusal to dehumanize even the people who dehumanize others,” says Marron. Remember this: You’re speaking with someone who has a depth of feelings and experiences that have shaped their opinions.

Yes, it can be hard to see haters as human, especially if you’ve never met them in real life. But when you make it a point to approach people online with compassion, you’re on your way to having a conversation that may change perspectives and open doors to new understanding.

Love learning from TED speakers? Get a deeper, more interactive experience with them with TED Courses. Each four-week course is led by experts who will teach you skills for improving your life — whether it’s expanding your imagination and revamping your career to strengthening your memory and building healthy relationships as an adult.

Sign up for Dylan Marron’s TED Course and learn more about bridging gaps and forming meaningful connections. Or, check out our other TED Courses to learn more important skills, from “How to take a life-changing journey” with celebrated travel writer Pico Iyer, to “How to become your best adult self” with educator and author Julie Lythcott-Haims.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hayley Caldwell is a copywriter on the Audience Development team at TED.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Stocksy

Want to live a more meaningful life? TED Courses are here to help. Taught by some of your favorite TED speakers, each course will educate you, inspire you and illuminate new ways of being and thinking. Plus, it will connect you with a global community of fellow learners. Go here to find out more. 

Below, a piece of life advice from author Julie Lythcott-Haims, who teaches the TED Course on how you can become your best self.   

In childhood, we’re told: “Don’t talk to strangers.”

But this is short-sighted advice because after we finish high school and move out into the world, everyone we encounter is a stranger. And we’re a social species, which means we need each other.

So instead of avoiding strangers, we need to get good at interacting with them, both to get help when we need it and to be of use to them.

When you give someone eye contact and a smile, it demonstrates “You exist, fellow human,” and it makes them feel good.

Let’s start with actual strangers — like the people you pass on the street or in a store. You may not think you’re in a relationship with them, but you essentially are.

Research shows that when you look right through someone as if they aren’t there, they feel a small sting.

The reverse is also true. When you give someone eye contact and a smile, it demonstrates “You exist, fellow human, I see you,” and it makes them feel good. And you feel good too when they do it back to you.

I appreciate that not everyone can make eye contact or smile for reasons including cultural norms, social anxiety or neurodivergence. But if you can, do.

What about the humans you interact with regularly yet don’t really know, like the baristas at your coffee shop, the clerks at your grocery store, the person at the front desk in your building, your postal carrier and so on?

Researchers call these folks “consequential strangers,” because having them in your life is of consequence to you.

Show them that they matter by saying “How’s your day going?” Learn their name so next time you can say, “Hey, Breonna, how’s your day going?” If you want to really make someone’s day, offer them some gratitude with the simple sentence: “Thank you for being here, George. I appreciate you.”

When you’re kind to someone, you, they and everyone who observes your interaction will get a lift from your act of kindness.

Part of you might think it’s a bit weird to thank them, but keep in mind that they came to work today and their work makes your life easier, right?

And if they’re grumpy, don’t be offended — it’s not about you.

Instead, double down on kindness. Say: “Hey, thanks so much, Michael, I hope you have a good day.” Or kindly say: “Looks like it’s a tough day, Sandra. Hope it gets better.” You, they and everyone who observes this interaction will get a lift from your act of kindness.

Then there are those in your loose network, like neighbors and colleagues. For years, although it’s hard for me to admit this, I’d drive into my driveway after work each day and realize that I didn’t even know my neighbors.

So I formed a monthly writing group with some of them in order to experience the real connections that form from hearing each others’ stories. After doing this, we’ve been more able to do what neighbors do, like borrow sugar or collect mail when someone’s away. What might you do on your street or in your building?

When you see a neighbor, try stopping to ask them how their day’s going.

You have the power to make your community stronger through exchanges like this.

Or if you’re going to the store, ask if you can pick something up for them. Or, you can throw a barbecue or potluck and put out name tags to remove any guilt that people feel for not remembering each others’ names.

Finally, at work, listen for the small things people reveal about their lives.

Whether it’s something good or bad, they’re sharing it for a reason, so I want you to remember it. Within the next couple of days, you don’t have to pry but show them you noticed. Say, “Did you say you’re an uncle now? Congratulations!”; “Sounds like that trip you took was amazing”; “I’m so sorry to hear your family member has been really sick.” If someone went out of their way to do something thoughtful, drop a quick note to say “I saw what you did and it was really kind of you.”

You have the power to make your community stronger through exchanges like this. It’s good for you, it’s good for them, and it’s good for all of us.

Sign up now for Julie Lythcott-Haims’s TED Course called “How to become your best adult self,” which will also tell you how you can build healthy relationships, speak up and show up for the issues you care about. And while you’re at it, check out our other TED Courses. Podcast host Manoush Zomorodi can show you how to make your career more meaningful; neuroscientist Lisa Genova will help you sharpen your memory and keep your brain in shape; and world traveler Pico Iyer will share the secrets to making the most out of your travels (even if it’s just to the next town!). 

Watch Julie Lythcott-Haims’s TED Talk here: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Julie Lythcott-Haims is an author, speaker and activist focused on helping humans find their true north. At its core, her work is about the obstacles that prevent us from being our most authentic selves and how to overcome them. She offers us all an invitation to grow deeper — to continuously return to and strengthen our voice, values, meaning and joy. She holds degrees from Stanford, Harvard Law and California College of the Arts. She started off as a corporate lawyer, a career pathway she admits she originally sought out to gain approval from others. She quickly realized that work was not for her and began working with students in higher education, becoming the Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University. Later, she added “writer” to her list of accomplishments. She is the New York Times bestselling author of parenting guide How to Raise an Adult. Her second book is the critically-acclaimed and award-winning prose poetry memoir Real American, which describes her experience as a Black and biracial person in white spaces. Her third book, Your Turn: How to Be an Adult, has been called a “groundbreakingly frank” guide to adulthood. To learn more about her work, visit julielythcotthaims.com

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Allie Sullberg

It’s happened to all of us.

You’re sitting down for dinner with an old friend to catch up. You’re in the middle of sharing an anecdote when their phone dings. Their eyes shift to the screen, and they slide their device into their lap to send a reply.

Most of us have been on both sides of this scenario, and while it may seem harmless, these kinds of distractions during our everyday interactions can make people feel unheard or unimportant, fragment our attention, and hurt our relationships. On the other hand, research shows that active listening — putting your full focus on your conversational partner to truly understand their message — can help us anticipate problems, resolve conflicts, expand our knowledge and build trust.

Like any skill, active listening can be practiced and cultivated. Here are three key ways to become a better listener:

1. Put away your phone (and other distractions)

Have you ever had your work email open with a movie playing in the background while you’re also texting with a friend? When we multitask, our attention is divided between multiple streams of information — and we’re not great at taking it all in.

In his TED Talk, musician and “Song Exploder” podcast host Hrishikesh Hirway compares multitasking to “trying to listen to a song while singing a different song in your head.” As he points out, “You can’t do it — or you can’t do it well. And you can’t fully appreciate what someone else is saying if you’re thinking about something else.”

“The instinct to multitask is so hard to turn off, but it’s so important that you do it,” says musician and podcast host Hrishikesh Hirway.

This might not be a big deal when the stakes are low, like you’re watching TV while knitting a scarf. But when the tasks are more complex — like watching TV while texting with a friend who’s in a crisis or studying for an exam — multitasking can have a negative impact. If you really want to be an active, empathic listener, you need to put away your devices and be fully present. And yes, we know it’s easier said than done. “The instinct to multitask is so hard to turn off, but it’s so important that you do it,” Hirway says.

Our distractions aren’t always external, either. Studies have shown that mind-wandering — when your focus shifts away from the present moment and towards your internal thoughts and feelings — can lead to decreased mood, task performance and reading comprehension. So when you find yourself zoning out or daydreaming during a conversation, just recognize that it’s happening and bring yourself back to what’s going on right in front of you.

2. Reflect back what you’ve heard

A big part of active listening is, well, listening. But the best listeners aren’t just statues absorbing information — they also know what to say and when to say it.

DO:

— Ask questions. Posing clarifying or open-ended questions says to the other person you’re paying attention and encourages them to elaborate. It can also help them gain new insights and explore avenues they haven’t previously thought of.

— Summarize. Periodically paraphrasing the other person’s message can help make them feel seen and heard and build trust. To do this, use phrases like “What I’m hearing you say is …” or “I can understand how that situation could make you feel like …”

— Listen without judgment. Make the other person feel supported and safe — and not judged. This means being accepting of their beliefs, values and experiences, even when they’re different from your own.

Silences do serve a function — they give both the speaker and listener the space to process the information being shared.

DON’T:

— Give in to the pressure to fill silences. Even though gaps in a conversation can feel awkward, silences do serve a function — they give both the speaker and listener the space to process the information being shared. This can ultimately lead to deeper, more thoughtful conversations.

— Jump in with your own story. “I used to think that this was actually the best way to show that I was really listening,” Hirway says. “Someone would tell me something and I’d say, ‘That reminds me of this thing that happened to me,’ and then I would tell a whole story of my own.” Instead, stay engaged without making it all about you.

3. Let nonverbal cues speak for you, too

“I’m also a big believer in the power of nonverbal communication,” Hirway says. “Just the simple act of a nod is a way to let the other person know that you’re engaged and also invites them to keep going and say more. That kind of intentional, engaged silence makes space for them.”

Nonverbal communication — the ways we express thoughts or messages without speech, like our facial expressions, body movement, posture, eye contact or touch — can be just as powerful as what we say out loud.

Let the other person know that you’re engaged, and do it without taking your focus away from them and turning it onto you.

That’s because our facial expressions reflect our internal states — and this is a vital social skill that we begin developing from an early age. In fact, studies show that infants have a visual preference for faces, especially those with open eyes and a direct gaze.

While it’s important to note that there are cultural differences in nonverbal communication, here are some basics:

— Make eye contact. Direct eye contact is a fundamental nonverbal communication skill — it signals healthy bonding between mothers and infants and impacts trust between patients and physicians. Simply put: Looking someone in the eye while they’re speaking indicates that you’re interested and invites them to continue sharing. Experts recommend using the 50/70 rule: Try to maintain eye contact 50 percent of the time when speaking, and 70 percent of the time when listening.

— Have an open posture. Active listeners often lean slightly towards the other person or tilt their head. On the other hand, if you turn away from them or look away while they’re speaking, you’ll likely appear disengaged.

— Mirror facial expressions. Reflecting the other person’s emotions can show you empathize. And when your facial expressions don’t match what they’re saying — for example, smiling while they’re telling you about a past challenge — it can seem like you’re not paying attention or you’re not taking them seriously.

Ultimately, being a great listener takes practice — and we may not always get it right. But if you can remember these few simple steps, you’ll be well on your way. “Be open to new ideas. Stop multitasking,” Hirway says. “Let the other person know that you’re engaged, and do it without taking your focus away from them and turning it onto you.”

Watch Hrishikesh Hirway’s full talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Gulnaz Khan is the Climate Editor at TED. Find her @gulnazkhan

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Krystal Quiles

Most of us intuitively know that having close, supportive relationships is important to our general happiness and well-being.

Decades of scientific research confirm that human connection not only affects our mental health but is also a key determinant to how long we’ll live and how physically healthy we’ll be during those years.

As Robert Waldinger PhD, the director of the long-running Harvard Study of Adult Development (aka “the longest study on happiness”), says in his TED Talk, “People who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community are happier; they’re physically healthier; and they live longer than people who are less well connected.”

And we’re not just talking about your intimate, family and spousal relationships. All types of human connection — from the social to the professional, from the people you volunteer with to the man behind you in line at the grocery store — count.

The good news: Making small changes in our relationships can yield big results. Below, I’ve pinpointed six relationship resolutions to consider that could improve your bonds.

1. Change the words you’re thinking about other people

Words matter. Not only the words we use when we speak to others, but the words we say to ourselves about others.

Our internal narrative — especially the story we tell ourselves about other people, their decisions, behaviors, quirks and irritating habits — has a profound effect on how we interact with them. When you tell yourself “they’re so controlling” or “they never listen to me” or “they’re so self-centered” before or during a conversation with a partner, colleague or sibling sets you up to be more likely to find evidence of their controlling/non-listening/self-centered behavior because you’ve primed yourself to spot it.

By creating micro-moments of positivity, you’re starting a wave of good feelings that spreads through your life and through the lives of those you encounter.

There are three simple steps you can take here. The first is to recognize when one of these judgmental thoughts enters your head that reinforces a negative narrative. Next, stop yourself from telling this story. Finally, replace it with a more positive word or phrase.

No, I’m not asking you to think something that is just plain untrue — as in “they always listen to me” or “they respect that I’m my own person.” Instead, pick a word or phrase that reminds you to show some compassion (“They’re trying their best”), acknowledge the journey you’re on (“We’re all works in progress”) or capture what you want to do more of in your relationships (“Listen — really listen”).

You’ll be surprised how quickly changing your words can also change the quality of your relationships. One of my favorite phrases, which I’ll be recommitting to in 2022, is “They might just be right.” Thinking those five words reduces my need to win arguments and can even prevent me from getting into them in the first place.

Make this phrase or word your screen saver, set a daily reminder with them or leave sticky notes with the phrase or word on the bathroom mirror, your laptop or next to the kitchen sink.

2. Create tiny moments of positivity during your day

Want to experience more connection in your day-to-day life and a healthier and more connected sense of being in the world?

Turns out, you can do this wherever you are and wherever you go. Just take five seconds to learn the name of that nice person in the orange apron at Home Depot who helped you find the particular nail you needed and tell them they made your day. Or, look your pharmacist in the eye and thank them for showing up during this challenging time, or stop by your coworker’s office and ask how her aging parents are holding up.

Indeed, whenever you share a tiny, positive moment with another human — even if it’s just a warm smile or your eyes meeting as you acknowledge each other for existing on this planet — you unleash a cascade of positive reactions in you and them.

And that feeling you experience when you do this? It’s love.

While it might not be the kind of love that brought together, say, Romeo and Juliet, this kind — unlike what drove that doomed pair — will help you live a longer, happier, healthier life. And it has ripple effects. By creating micro-moments of positivity with strangers, acquaintances, colleagues or your close connections, you’re starting a wave of good feelings that spreads through your life and through the lives of those you encounter.

I once interviewed a couple with an unusual rule: Whenever they argued, they both had to be fully undressed. Unsurprisingly, they reported their conflicts never lasted long!

3. When you and your partner argue, hold hands with them (really!)

When couples are in conflict, it’s important for them to remember they’re on the same team despite their differences. One of the easiest ways to do so is to agree to hold hands while you argue. This simple gesture helps couples feel more connected and, as a result, they’ve been found to be less destructive as they fight.

If this doesn’t work for the two of you, come up with your own way to reinforce your bond.

Maybe you and your partner decide to interrupt each disagreement — at least once — with a 10-second kiss. Or, you could both agree, while fighting, to hold up three fingers at the beginning, middle and end of a tense discussion, a nonverbal symbol that means “I love you.” I once interviewed a couple with an unusual rule: Whenever they argued, they both had to be fully undressed. Unsurprisingly, they reported their conflicts never lasted long!

4. Ask an open-ended question of someone in your life every day

As a relationship social scientist with a PhD in communication, I’ve got a personal pet peeve — when people say “Communication is the secret to successful relationships.”

OK, they’re not completely wrong. But communication is complicated, and not all communication is created equal. Yelling is communication, for example. And so is lying.

Actively listening while letting someone else speak is also communication, and it’s one of the most undervalued methods of building relationships with others. This means listening simply to better understand the other person and giving them space to share their story, express their fears, articulate their hopes or just tell you what irritated or delighted them today.

One of the easiest resolutions you can make to improve any of your close relationships is to listen more, speak less and ask open-ended questions. Once a day, invite someone you care about to share. Ask the colleague who sits near you: “What’s been the best part of your week so far?”; ask your neighbor when you’re both out walking your dogs: “What’s keeping you going these days?”; or ask your kid over dinner: “What are you most afraid of happening in the next year?”

Then, be fully present with them as you listen to them answer, without interrupting them with your own response or turning away. When we do this, we show the people in our lives that we really care about them.

Friendships have been shown to be key to our happiness and longevity, especially as we age, but even the best of them will wither if we don’t nurture them.

5. Schedule time to spend with your best friends

Strong, quality relationships require maintenance and ongoing investment. Friendships have been shown to be key to our happiness and longevity, especially as we age, but even the best of them will wither if we don’t nurture them.

One easy way to do this is to carve out time in your weekly or monthly schedule to connect with your friends. If you can, meeting them in person is best, but even a regular Zoom or phone call is enough to provide you with benefits. And whenever you’re invited to do something with someone who is not one of your key connections, ask yourself this before you say yes: “Is this best for me and the relationships I value?”

These small, regular investments of attention made regularly in our relationships are essential to growing and sustaining them.

6. Deliver an overdue apology

Many of us — because we’re only human and imperfect — have ended a relationship in a clumsy or careless way. Or, maybe we’ve been on the receiving end. Regardless of which role you played, we walk around with grudges or resentment towards a colleague, boss, cousin, roommate, neighbor, ex-partner, etc.

Why not start the year by picking one of the people in your life with whom you had a falling out and write them a note or send them a voice memo? Keep your apology short and simple, and accept responsibility for what you did or didn’t do well. When we embrace our humility, we’re not only more likely to forgive and be forgiven but we can get a significant boost in our happiness as well.

However, if you choose to do this, don’t expect to get a response. If the other person takes in your words and says they forgive you, that’s great. But keep in mind that forgiveness is partly an internal process when you can lighten your load by letting go of unnecessary emotions weighing you down.

Watch her TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk now: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carol Bruess PhD Carol Bruess (rhymes with “peace”) is professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas, Minnesota; resident scholar at St. Norbert College, Wisconsin; and forever passionate about studying and improving relationships. She is fluent in emoji, loves parentheticals (it’s what all the cool kids are doing), and is happy-dancing her way through empty-nesting (although don’t tell her kids; they think she’s all weepy). Check out her five books and sewing/design shenanigans over at www.carolbruess.com

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Fernando Cobelo

As a psychologist who’s been in private practice for 25 years, I’ve seen that there are as many kinds of relationship problems as there are humans on this planet.

But one issue that keeps coming up is about irritability — or what to do when a close connection seems to be in a bad mood all the time.

Take this letter from a reader, for example:

Every day, my sister seems to wake up irritable and then stay that way. She has an edge to her voice and responds to friendly questions like, “How was your day?” or “Do you have plans for the weekend?” curtly and with a sharp tone. What can I do?

Indeed, there’s been a lot of irritability experienced these past couple of years, with the pandemic making it a stressful time for all. Irritability is defined as a mood or state in which one has a heightened propensity to respond to frustrations, even small ones, with anger that is excessive given what might be expected in the situation.

Of course, irritability is not abnormal in and of itself. Every one of us can be irritable at times and have irritable moods that may last for hours or even a few days. But when periods of irritability last for months on end and characterize a person’s mood more often than not, it could be associated with an underlying disorder such as clinical depression, anxiety or ADHD. In that case, it should be considered as a broader mental health issue that requires the advice of a mental health professional. Indeed, if the person in your life is being treated for one of these conditions and seems to be chronically irritable, you might consider suggesting they speak with a mental health provider about their mood.

However, regardless of whether a person’s irritability involves an underlying mental condition or not, it can still have a big impact on their quality of life and that of the people around them, and when that is the case it should be addressed.

Irritability impacts us psychologically in a number of ways. It makes us far more sensitive to small frustrations so we have a harder time shrugging them off or moving past them. This can make us distracted since our attention ends up being constantly redirected towards trivial incidents and remarks and away from important tasks or relationships. This constant churning or annoyance in the back of our mind also takes up intellectual resources, leaving us with less mental bandwidth with which to do our jobs and manage our lives.

Why does irritability sometimes linger?

Irritability can be a hard mood to break out of because it often creates a negative feedback loop that is self-reinforcing in ways that can deepen its hold on our state of mind. It works this way:

— Irritability reinforces our negative mood such that we’re much more likely to fixate on anything even mildly upsetting or annoying (we might even do so unconsciously as a way to validate our bad mood).

— Focusing on all these annoyances then fuels our irritability further, which in turn, focuses us even more intently on validating our irritable mood by continuing to scan our environment for external frustrations and overreacting to them.

— At the same time, we are less likely to notice the positive events and experiences that could have otherwise mitigated our frustrated state of mind and improved our mood.

— Indeed, the urge to indulge our irritability and give in to it can feel extremely compelling, and we can become resistant to any efforts from our nearest and dearest to break us out of our mood. This is why, when a close friend or family member suffers from irritability, you may often feel as though you can’t win.

— Any effort to engage with them is likely to garner an impatient, hostile or aggressive response, so you end up just keeping a distance.As a result, your relationship may become strained and distant and the irritable person become isolated, adding to their irritability and their feeling that no one else seems to understand what they’re going through.

Further, negative moods can sometimes be contagious and irritability is one that can be quite obvious to other people, making it harder for them to ignore or overlook and making it more likely for their own mood to be negatively impacted by it. Indeed, irritable bosses often create significant stress in their teams, and irritable household members often create significant stress for the people who are around them most.

So what can you do if someone you care about suffers from chronic irritability?

1: Bring it to their attention

Start by asking them to have a talk, so they know you want to discuss something serious (rather than say, doing it casually as you’re getting ready for work because you want their full attention so they can take your concerns seriously). Tell them you’re concerned because they seem to be in a bad mood more often than not, and they’ve been responding to you as if you’re constantly annoying them.

2. Let them know how their mood has been impacting you

They might be surprised to hear it — in which case they might try on their own to be more mindful going forward. If they seem receptive, the next time they respond irritably, you can simply remind them by saying something like “Please don’t respond with such a sharp edge in your tone, I’m just asking about your day because I care about you.”

If they’re aware they’ve been irritable but they feel their mood is justified because of the external stresses in their life (for example, “You know how hard it’s been at work!”), you can acknowledge their stress but let them know that as you sympathize with what they’re going through, their moods have a big impact on you as well (as your moods do on them). Then suggest you discuss ways to cope with their stress that might reduce their irritability, which would be best for them as well as for you.

3. Ask them to consider trying one of the following techniques that have been shown to lower irritability

Gratitude exercise: Spend 10 minutes each morning journaling about three things for which they’re grateful and why—what that thing means to them and why it makes them feel thankful

Mindfulness meditation: Focus on breathing, feeling the air flow in and out of your lungs—and when thoughts enter your mind—which they will—label them factually and without any judgment or emotionality (e.g., ‘A worry about work’ or ‘frustration with a friend’) and refocus on your breathing. Mindfulness meditation has been shown to lower emotional reactivity to upsetting and distressing thoughts.

Reframing: Also known as cognitive reappraisal, reframing is a form of emotional regulation in which one changes one’s perspective/story to take the sting out of an annoying/upsetting/frustrating situation. Reframing is an effective emotional regulation technique that’s been shown to lower emotional distress and irritability. By helping the person explore why they’re irritable and how they might reframe their story, you’re not only demonstrating concern and compassion for them, you could help them find a silver lining that can reframe their situation more positively.

What’s more, reframing, mindfulness and gratitude are techniques from which you too can benefit as they can help mitigate your own elevated stress and irritability when they’re affected by the moods of the people around you. As such, you could consider suggesting to the irritable person in your life that the two of you practice them together. Doing this may also make them feel less defensive and more open to considering your request.

4. Acknowledge that you’re asking them to do something that isn’t so easy

Irritability can feel very compelling and justified, and the urge to just lash out at someone can be strong. As such, let them know that if they were willing to work on minimizing the severity and or frequency of their irritability you would be very appreciative and be truly grateful for the work they would have to put forth to do so.

However, if you’ve attempted to address these issues with the other person and they are either uninterested or incapable of adopting them, you might consider, when possible, limiting your contact with them so you’re less impacted by their irritability. Moods come and go and even underlying conditions tend to manifest in cycles, so it might be wise to take a step back until the person is in a better place emotionally.

That said, by addressing the issue with the person directly, the hope is that they’ll take steps to improve their mood and irritability and that the next time you feel yourself becoming irritable, you can take these steps yourself before your partner or friend sits you down for a talk about your bad mood.

To read his “Dear Guy” columns, go here. Watch his TEDx Linnaeus University Talk now: 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who is a leading advocate for integrating the science of emotional health into our daily lives. His three TED Talks have been viewed over 20 million times, and his science-based self-help books have been translated into 26 languages. He also writes the Squeaky Wheel blog for PsychologyToday.com and has a private practice in New York City.

This piece was adapted for TED-Ed from this Ideas article.

Angus Greig

Emails are just as fundamental these days as food and water in our lives, and they form a large part of our daily communications.

Roughly 300 billion emails are sent around the world every day, according to Statista. On average, each of us who works in an office gets 121 emails per working day! Yet we send them and read them without thinking about them for a second.

But emails are essential. In some situations, they can’t be replaced with a short meeting or a phone call. We send them because of traceability or a time difference, or we need to have many people reading the same thing.

A study of around 1 million emails that was done with Microsoft shows the average employee spends 28 percent of his or her day working on emails.

But given how essential emails are, did anyone ever teach you how to write one?

I have dedicated the last 25 years to learning and teaching. I have trained in the Scouts and the Israeli Army, and I teach business at a German university today. Just like anyone else, I send and receive emails and texts. Loads of them. I use them to stay in touch with customers, collaborators and students around the world.

My students and I decided to optimize our emails and test what worked — and what didn’t. We found by tweaking just five little things, you’ll make it more likely that your email gets read, you’ll spend less time working on it, and writing an email might even become fun. Here they are:

1. Make an excellent first impression

A subject line is your chance to make a positive first impression on your recipient. According to existing research, three things make an effective subject line: It should be short, call for action and indicate familiarity with the recipient.

I showed 300 people the following email subject lines and asked them which they’d open first. Can you guess which they chose?

A. Statement 10.31.2020

B. Welcome Message

C. Meeting tomorrow, please respond!

D. Hey!

E. Missed you, how’s Friday?

If you picked C, you’re right! That was the overwhelming favorite, with 47 percent choosing it. The runner-up was D, with 20 percent of the vote.

2. Add color and feeling to your email

Our emails are written in ​black and white​, so they automatically look kind of boring​. Sending your thoughts in email is a bit like speaking without being able to use your body, voice, or face. So how can we put ​some color and — more importantly — feeling​ into them?

By using different kinds of punctuation and, yes, ​emojis​.

For example, here’s the same sentence but written three different ways. Which do you find the most engaging?

Dear Guy, thank you for visiting.
Guy, thanks for visiting!
Hey Guy, awesome that you dropped by

I like to call punctuation and emojis “digital body language,” which we desperately need to show who we are, even if we’re just writing an email.

And if you want to go all in, try adding a GIF.

Here’s one of me!

Should you always add an emoji or a GIF to your work emails? Of course not. Think of digital body language as the spices and seasoning in your email recipe — depending on the culture, setting and background, you may want more or less of that curry or hot sauce. Or none at all.

3. Keep them as brief as a tweet

Research from NYU, MIT, and Boston University shows that many emails aren’t read​ but just skimmed​ or simply deleted. And it seems that with every additional word you write beyond your first 40, you directly reduce the chances of getting an answer.

So be as brief as you can. Keep it the length of a tweet, or 280 characters.

Now you may be telling yourself: “No way — my meeting notes [or whatever you’re writing about] can’t be that short.”

And you’re right.

But the one part of that email in which you ask for something or get something done can be kept brief. You can include those meeting notes as an attachment.

Brevity is key!

4. Use names at critical moments

Imagine if you knew a magic word that you could include in your email, a word that could instantaneously grab the attention of every single person in the world.

Well, it turns out you already know it: It’s the name of the person you’re emailing.

Dale Carnegie once wrote, “A person’s ​name​ is to him or her the ​sweetest​ and ​most important sound​ in any language.” He wrote this almost 100 years ago, but I believe his words still apply today.

We all have a narcissist in us, and if you use a person’s name at ​critical moments​, you will ​increase your likelihood​ of getting an answer. For example, when you’re making a crucial request in your email, start with the recipient’s name. What’s more, research shows that ​mentioning​ the name of another person whom the recipient ​knows will also significantly raise the chances your email will be answered.

Just remember: There is one way in which a person’s name can completely ruin your email — if you misspell their name, all the thought you put into your message will go down the drain.

Now I’m sure that some people reading this will say there is no “perfect” email, and they’re right. Every email is different, yet most emails have two things in common: one, you want something from someone, and two, that someone is a human. Because of these two things, my suggested ingredients can surely help.

What matters is the proportion. Now that you have the list of recommended ingredients for an email make sure you use them in the right quantities. From now on, try and break away from writing any important emails on autopilot. Instead, picture the person you’re writing to and season your email to their taste using your ingredients.

5. Tap into the power of the last impression

Here’s one final point. Remember how Steve Jobs always waited until the end of his presentations to show off the coolest of the products he was introducing? He used to say “one more thing,” and boom, there came a new iPhone out of his pocket.

Why not use that tactic too? If you have one important thing to say or one crucial thing you need from your recipient, or one uncomfortable thing to say, try putting it in the P.S. line. This is the last impression, which isn’t as well known as the first impression. But it can be just as powerful as it’s the one thing that sticks with your reader even after the rest is forgotten.

This post was adapted from Guy Katz‘s TEDxZurich Talk. Watch it here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Guy Katz PhD first served as an officer for the Israeli Defense Forces and then worked for governments, startups, non-profits, consulting firms and giant corporations. Constantly on the lookout for the right bit of science mixed with practical tips, he now spends his days optimizing the magical recipe for being a father of two amazing boys, a business professor at FOM University in Germany, the owner of a consulting and training company that operates worldwide, and teaching people how to fly airplanes.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Nata Schepy

I’d like you to take a moment and imagine you’re four years old.

You’re building a tower, and you’re really proud of it. But then the next minute another child comes running along and kicks over your tower. You are outraged, and you feel all these feelings bubble up inside — hurt, panic, frustration and helplessness. Just then, an adult comes by.

They get close, get down to your level, and ask: “Honey, what happened?”

In their eyes, there’s compassion and you feel that their body is calm and regulated. And then all those feelings come bubbling out of you — frustration, anger, helplessness.

This adult says: “Tell me all about it.” They don’t try and fix it, and they don’t say to you: “Don’t worry, you can build another one.” They just let you feel all that you’re feeling. Then they open their arms and you snuggle, take another deep breath, feel better and go back to building your tower.

If you were lucky, the adults in your life gave you lots of space to express how you feel without trying to fix what was going on.

Now I’d like you to try and remember being four years old and a time when you felt angry or sad or scared or you didn’t understand what was going on.

How did the adults in your life respond to you? If you were lucky, they gave you lots of space to express how you feel and listened to your worries and hurt without trying to fix what was going on.

But many of us probably had the opposite experience. Maybe we were told “Stop being so stupid” or “You don’t need to cry.” You might have been sent to your room or to the corner or even been hit for making a mistake.

We still value IQ far more than we value EQ.

Why am I talking about children and feelings? We’ve seen a steady increase in psychological distress among adults — in Australia and around the world. And I see this increase in distress as being rooted in part in the messages we received as children around how to express feelings and emotions.

Of course, it’s easy to blame our parents for what they did or didn’t do. But the real issue is the lack of emotional literacy in our culture. We don’t teach parents how to respond to children’s feelings and emotions with empathy and compassion. We also don’t teach it in our kindergartens; we don’t teach it in our schools. We still value IQ far more than we value EQ.

My work over the last 16 years with families around attachment, trauma and connection has shown me that there are usually three ways we learn as kids to deal with feelings and emotions.

You might have been labeled as “naughty”, “too much” or “trouble” when all you were doing was responding to your environment.

The first way is repression. Perhaps as a child, you learnt that it wasn’t safe to express your feelings. You might have gotten shut down and told to stop crying. Or you were given a look that made you draw everything inside and push them down deep. The impact of repression on a child is that those feelings stay there.

And then as adults, those feelings can turn up again when life throws us a curveball. Those same feelings come up, but this time, we respond by having another glass of wine or spending hours mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or making ourselves so busy at work that we don’t have time to feel .

The second way is aggression. As a child if we felt really powerless or scared and we grew up in an authoritarian environment where we didn’t have a voice and couldn’t say how we felt, then those feelings would again bubble up inside us. At the point where they would tip over when we felt most frightened or threatened, then they might come out in the form of aggression, rage, loud words. You might have been labeled as “naughty”, “too much” or “trouble” when all you were doing was responding to your environment.

And then as adults, those tendencies show up in bullying behavior. Or they can turn up in harsh critical thoughts about ourselves and others. Or it can show up as violence.

The third way is expression. If we grew up with an imprint that said “Feelings are welcome. I will accept all of you — the happy bits, the sad bits, the joyous bits, the bits that are angry. I’m not going to try and fix them; I’m just going to hold you,” then as adults when things feel hard, we reach for our journal and write down our thoughts. Or we call a friend and say: “Hey, can you listen to me?” Or we might go for a run, do some yoga, speak to our therapist and find a way to lean into the feelings, we feel them and let them go.

When I was a new parent, my game plan was “I’ll just keep them happy all the time.” But that’s a ridiculous thing to do.

I am a mother to three beautiful teenagers. When I first became a parent, like many of you, I had absolutely no clue about what I was doing. When it came to understanding their feelings and emotions, my game plan was “I’ll just keep them happy all the time.” But, as anyone who has kids realizes, that’s a ridiculous thing to do. It is impossible and incredibly exhausting to try to keep people happy all the time. So I learned that I needed to find a way to help my children thrive emotionally and also create harmony for them in our home.

I’m lucky enough to understand and study trauma, and I began to see that what we need as humans is a safe place to unpack all of who we are. We need boundaries and holding, but we also need empathy and compassion for those big feelings that rise within. Instead of trying to fix their problems and trying to make them happy all the time, I just got down low and said: “Tell me all about it.”

And I just listened. Sometimes there were tears; sometimes, rage or complaining. But every time my only job was to sit there and hold space for them.

What I began to see was emotional intelligence developing in my children.

How do we expect our children to have empathy and compassion for other people if we don’t show them how?

One evening, I realized just how powerful this was. I was making dinner but I also had to go teach a class so I was doing the hustle that most parents do.

I was just about to go out the door when my youngest daughter, who was five at the time, came into the kitchen. She looked unhappy, and I could see that she’s feeling some feelings. I actually turned to her and said: “Honey, do you think you could hold onto your feelings for a few hours?” Of course, she looked at me like, “Are you kidding?”

At that moment my middle daughter, who was then 10, walked into the room. She said, “I’ll listen to your feelings”, and I’m like “OK.” So my 10-year-old took the 5-year-old into the bedroom, and I thought, I’m going to be late for work because I need to see what happens here.

I stood outside their door, and I heard my 10-year-old say: “Tell me all about it.” And the five-year-old started crying and complaining about all the things that had happened at school.

The 10-year-old was going, “Oh that’s hard. What else?” And then there was more complaining and then more tears and giggles and laughter and they came out of the room.

I saw my 10-year-old and said to her, “Honey, how was that for you?” She looked at me and said, “Well, Mama, I just did to her what you do for me.”

At that moment, I realized that children can’t be what they can’t see. How do we expect them to have empathy and compassion for other people if we don’t show them how? How can we expect them to treat others with kindness and respect if they don’t know what that feels like in their own bodies?

I wonder:

— What would it be like if we actually supported parents with the tools and understanding to listen compassionately to their children?

— What would it be like if we actually helped parents unpack their own childhood, so they don’t have to carry that baggage and put it on their children’s shoulders?

— What would it be like if we supported and encouraged boys to cry and be vulnerable and girls to rage and find their voice and speak up for what they need?

— What if instead of harsh disciplines and punishments, we replaced them with compassionate listening and loving limits and boundaries?

— What would it look like if we took all of these ideas and placed them in our education system?

About 18 months ago, a colleague and I created Woodline Primary School. It’s set in the Geelong hinterlands on a beautiful farm with abundant nature. We have horses, chickens and veggie patches, and the philosophy of our school is to foster our students’ emotional well-being in a safe learning environment.

Sir Ken Robinson said the aims of education are to understand the world around us and the world within us. But what if we prioritized the world within?

Research shows that when children feel safe to learn — which means they feel free of judgment and criticism, they’re treated with kindness and respect, they have autonomy over their bodies and their learning, and they are given much love and celebrated for their unique differences — their neurological systems become fully operational and their capacity for growth and learning increases.

Our aim at Woodline is for children to learn about the world and also develop critical life skills such as emotional intelligence, growth mindset, critical thinking and a love of failure. Every time you fail, you realize, “Ah there are so many more options I haven’t yet explored!” More than anything, we want them to learn to be compassionate citizens of the Earth.

The late great Sir Ken Robinson said that the aims of education are to understand the world around us and the world within us. But what if we prioritized the world within? Surely, the world around us would make so much more sense.

Just think: How different could the world be if we placed connection, heart and compassionate listening at the center of every one of our relationships?

This post was adapted from a TEDxDocklands Talk. Watch it here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lael Stone is an author, speaker, parenting educator and consultant that specializes in helping adults process their childhood trauma. She is the cofounder of Woodline Primary School, cohost of The Aware Parenting Podcast and a mum to 3 grown-up children.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.