Angus Greig

Emails are just as fundamental these days as food and water in our lives, and they form a large part of our daily communications.

Roughly 300 billion emails are sent around the world every day, according to Statista. On average, each of us who works in an office gets 121 emails per working day! Yet we send them and read them without thinking about them for a second.

But emails are essential. In some situations, they can’t be replaced with a short meeting or a phone call. We send them because of traceability or a time difference, or we need to have many people reading the same thing.

A study of around 1 million emails that was done with Microsoft shows the average employee spends 28 percent of his or her day working on emails.

But given how essential emails are, did anyone ever teach you how to write one?

I have dedicated the last 25 years to learning and teaching. I have trained in the Scouts and the Israeli Army, and I teach business at a German university today. Just like anyone else, I send and receive emails and texts. Loads of them. I use them to stay in touch with customers, collaborators and students around the world.

My students and I decided to optimize our emails and test what worked — and what didn’t. We found by tweaking just five little things, you’ll make it more likely that your email gets read, you’ll spend less time working on it, and writing an email might even become fun. Here they are:

1. Make an excellent first impression

A subject line is your chance to make a positive first impression on your recipient. According to existing research, three things make an effective subject line: It should be short, call for action and indicate familiarity with the recipient.

I showed 300 people the following email subject lines and asked them which they’d open first. Can you guess which they chose?

A. Statement 10.31.2020

B. Welcome Message

C. Meeting tomorrow, please respond!

D. Hey!

E. Missed you, how’s Friday?

If you picked C, you’re right! That was the overwhelming favorite, with 47 percent choosing it. The runner-up was D, with 20 percent of the vote.

2. Add color and feeling to your email

Our emails are written in ​black and white​, so they automatically look kind of boring​. Sending your thoughts in email is a bit like speaking without being able to use your body, voice, or face. So how can we put ​some color and — more importantly — feeling​ into them?

By using different kinds of punctuation and, yes, ​emojis​.

For example, here’s the same sentence but written three different ways. Which do you find the most engaging?

Dear Guy, thank you for visiting.
Guy, thanks for visiting!
Hey Guy, awesome that you dropped by

I like to call punctuation and emojis “digital body language,” which we desperately need to show who we are, even if we’re just writing an email.

And if you want to go all in, try adding a GIF.

Here’s one of me!

Should you always add an emoji or a GIF to your work emails? Of course not. Think of digital body language as the spices and seasoning in your email recipe — depending on the culture, setting and background, you may want more or less of that curry or hot sauce. Or none at all.

3. Keep them as brief as a tweet

Research from NYU, MIT, and Boston University shows that many emails aren’t read​ but just skimmed​ or simply deleted. And it seems that with every additional word you write beyond your first 40, you directly reduce the chances of getting an answer.

So be as brief as you can. Keep it the length of a tweet, or 280 characters.

Now you may be telling yourself: “No way — my meeting notes [or whatever you’re writing about] can’t be that short.”

And you’re right.

But the one part of that email in which you ask for something or get something done can be kept brief. You can include those meeting notes as an attachment.

Brevity is key!

4. Use names at critical moments

Imagine if you knew a magic word that you could include in your email, a word that could instantaneously grab the attention of every single person in the world.

Well, it turns out you already know it: It’s the name of the person you’re emailing.

Dale Carnegie once wrote, “A person’s ​name​ is to him or her the ​sweetest​ and ​most important sound​ in any language.” He wrote this almost 100 years ago, but I believe his words still apply today.

We all have a narcissist in us, and if you use a person’s name at ​critical moments​, you will ​increase your likelihood​ of getting an answer. For example, when you’re making a crucial request in your email, start with the recipient’s name. What’s more, research shows that ​mentioning​ the name of another person whom the recipient ​knows will also significantly raise the chances your email will be answered.

Just remember: There is one way in which a person’s name can completely ruin your email — if you misspell their name, all the thought you put into your message will go down the drain.

Now I’m sure that some people reading this will say there is no “perfect” email, and they’re right. Every email is different, yet most emails have two things in common: one, you want something from someone, and two, that someone is a human. Because of these two things, my suggested ingredients can surely help.

What matters is the proportion. Now that you have the list of recommended ingredients for an email make sure you use them in the right quantities. From now on, try and break away from writing any important emails on autopilot. Instead, picture the person you’re writing to and season your email to their taste using your ingredients.

5. Tap into the power of the last impression

Here’s one final point. Remember how Steve Jobs always waited until the end of his presentations to show off the coolest of the products he was introducing? He used to say “one more thing,” and boom, there came a new iPhone out of his pocket.

Why not use that tactic too? If you have one important thing to say or one crucial thing you need from your recipient, or one uncomfortable thing to say, try putting it in the P.S. line. This is the last impression, which isn’t as well known as the first impression. But it can be just as powerful as it’s the one thing that sticks with your reader even after the rest is forgotten.

This post was adapted from Guy Katz‘s TEDxZurich Talk. Watch it here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Guy Katz PhD first served as an officer for the Israeli Defense Forces and then worked for governments, startups, non-profits, consulting firms and giant corporations. Constantly on the lookout for the right bit of science mixed with practical tips, he now spends his days optimizing the magical recipe for being a father of two amazing boys, a business professor at FOM University in Germany, the owner of a consulting and training company that operates worldwide, and teaching people how to fly airplanes.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Raúl Soria

A simple framework for delivering a short, sincere “I’m sorry,” from criminal defense attorney Jahan Kalantar.

Quick question: What’s the worst part of apologizing?

A) Working up the courage to admit we were wrong.

B) Standing in front of the other person and saying that we’re sorry.

C) Waiting for a reaction from the other person after we’ve spoken.

You’re on your own with the first and third parts, but Jahan Kalantar, a criminal defense attorney in Sydney, Australia, is here to assist with the second.

In his profession, apologies matter a great deal. “I’m talking about the difference between going to jail and going home, the difference between seeing your children twice a year or twice a week,” says Kalantar.

But even when there’s a lot at stake, and even when you feel genuine remorse, you may still find it hard to apologize — searching for the perfect words that, as Kalantar puts it, “communicate vulnerability and gratitude.”

He suggests a simple “why-because-and” framework:

Start by looking the other person in the eye.

Say why you’re sorry.

For example: “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your housewarming party …” or “I’m sorry I handed in my proposal one day late …”

Explain the because behind your remorse.

For example: “… because I know you were so excited to show me your home …” or “… because I know you need those numbers to figure out the budget …”

Finish with an and.

For example: “… and when you have another party, I’ll be there.” or “… and I’ll send you the report tomorrow and I’ll be sure to meet all future deadlines.”

Kalantar’s method identifies what went wrong, acknowledges fault, and then points towards a solution. In cases such as a silver-wedding anniversary dinner, there is no obvious and to offer, but you can say something like “… and I’d love to celebrate with you and Mary in the future.”

Through your words and tone of voice, you should make it clear that you’ve thought about your actions and you’re truly sorry. “The next time you make a mistake … don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and authentic, because the power of any message is how honest of a place it starts its journey,” says Kalantar.

Watch his TEDxSydney talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carly Alaimo is a writer and content specialist living in Atlanta, Georgia.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Glenn Harvey

All of you know your advice monster.

Somebody starts telling you about something. Even though you don’t really know the situation or the people involved and you certainly don’t have the full context, after about 10 seconds your advice monster is like, “Oh, oh, oh, I’ve got something to say here.”

I caught up with a friend of mine a while ago. She’s smart, she’s brilliant, and she’s talented.

After we did the usual warm-up chitchat, she looked at me and said, “Michael, you’re a good guy. I need your advice.”

My advice monster was delighted.

She started telling me what was going on, and I started to pretend to listen because, quite frankly, my advice monster already knew exactly what I wanted to tell her.

Finally, she finished so I was able to share my brilliant advice — and make no mistake it was brilliant. But my advice went nowhere; my advice monster had sabotaged the conversation.

The problem isn’t with giving advice. Instead, the problem is when giving advice becomes our default response.

There are three ways that advice giving goes bad:

First, we’re often solving the wrong problem. We get seduced into thinking the first challenge that shows up is the real challenge — but it almost never is.

Second, our advice is not nearly as good as we think it is. If you’re thinking to yourself, “No, no. My advice is magnificent,” I suggest you watch a video on cognitive bias. It will explain we think we’re amazing at things even though we aren’t.

Third, if you have an advice monster — and if I can be clear, we all have an advice monster — holding the responsibility of having to have all the answers and save the person and save the day is exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming. And for the person who’s on the receiving end of your advice monster, they’re getting the message that they can’t figure this out by themselves, which cuts away at their sense of confidence and autonomy.

We’re constantly feeding our advice monsters, and they’re insatiable. As soon as somebody starts talking, your advice monster looms up and goes “Oh, I’m going to add some value to this conversation, yes I am!” You need to learn to tame your advice monster, and in order to tame it, you have to understand it.

As it turns out, your advice monster has three different personas:

I call the first persona “Tell It.” Tell It is the loudest of the three, it’s convinced you the only way that you can add value is to have all the answers. Because if you don’t have all the answers, then you fail.

The second persona is subtle; it’s called “Save It.” Save It has put its arm around you and said, “Your only job is to rescue everybody — don’t let anybody stumble, struggle or have a difficult time. If anybody struggles at all, you fail.” Parents might recognize that one.

The third of the personas — and the sneakiest of the three — is “Control It.” Control It has convinced you the only way you win is to maintain control at all times. If anybody else takes over control, even just a little bit, then you (and they) will definitely fail.

Now there’s something that connects all three of these personas. In that moment when your advice monster is speaking, it’s saying that you are better than the other person and that they’re not good enough. But it’s not only the other person that is diminished; you are, too. You’ve lost that connection to your humanity, to your empathy, to your compassion, and to your sense of vulnerability.

To tame your advice monster, what you want to do is replace your advice-giving habit with a new habit: Staying curious. It’s as simple — and as difficult — as that.

Questions are the kindling of curiosity. Let me share with you the three questions that I wish I’d asked my friend when she said she wanted my advice:

The first question: “What is the real challenge here for you?”

This recognizes that neither of you know what’s going on at the start of a conversation. It repositions you to help the other person find the really important issue, not provide them with a fast, wrong answer.

The second question: “What else?” 

This holds the insight that the first answer your friend will give you is never their only answer and it’s rarely their best answer. This will help you go deeper and further on any question you ask.

The third question: “What do you want?” 

It’s a difficult question, but it’s so powerful. When a person can get clear on what they want, it becomes their foundation for action. When they know what they want, they get to step towards that with autonomy and confidence.

When you’re able to stay curious, you begin to empower people not by giving them the answer but by helping them find their own answer, and not by rescuing them but by helping them find their own path.

This article was adapted from a TEDxUniversityofNevada talk. Watch it here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Michael Bungay Stanier is the founder of Box of Crayons, a learning and development company that helps organizations transform from advice-driven to curiosity-led. He is also the author of the bestselling book The Coaching Habit. Before founding Box of Crayons, Michael held senior positions in the corporate, consultancy and agency worlds. He has lived and worked in Australia, the UK, the US and Canada.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Shutterstock

When educator Kim Preshoff asked the students in her environmental science classes to create blackout poetry for Earth Day, she was expecting some nature-inspired poems and thoughts on the state of our planet. What she got back were profound and beautiful works about what they’re experiencing and living through right now: the COVID-19 pandemic.

Here are some of the poems from the Williamsville North High School students:

“About COVID” by Liz

“imagination” by Adrianna

“Kinda Depressing” by Catherine

“Pandemic” by Emma

“Quarantine” by Olivia

“About the Virus” by Taylor

“When Quarantine is Over” by Annica

“Overcoming” by Julia

“Stuck in the House” by Brooke

“Quarantine” by Jack

“COVID” by Anna

“Hope” by Alexis

“How People Feel” by Anonymous

Melissa McFeeters

Taking a moment to pause and really look at the other person can help us all avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings, says youth empowerment activist Quita Christison.

When was the last time you came to a quick conclusion about someone, only to find out that it was really wrong?

Maybe you were standing in line at the grocery store, asked a fellow shopper when she was due, and had her politely and icily inform you that she was not expecting. Or you thanked a “young man” who turned out not to be one, or shied away from a frightening dog that just wanted to lick every face in sight.

We’ve all made mistakes like these.

“When we act on these snap judgments, it’s uncomfortable for everyone,” youth empowerment activist Quita Christison explains in a TEDxPortsmouth Talk. “It’s not a good feeling, and it sticks with you. If you’re the one that has messed up, hopefully you learn. If you’re on the receiving end, it sticks with you as well — and you learn to put your guard up or live life a little less authentically.”

Christison has been on the receiving end of many unfair first impressions. “I’m a little person; I have pyknodysostosis, which results in a rare form of dwarfism,” she says. As a result, people take a glance at her and assume she’s a young girl, not an adult, and treat her as such until they realize — to their deep shame — that they were incorrect.

Our brains have evolved to make quick judgments about the people we meet in order to sort them into understandable categories. “It’s how our ancestors decided if something was safe, or if we were in danger,” says Christison. ”This instinct was completely valid in those dark alley moments, but in everyday encounters we aren’t in the prey-predator situation and yet our brain still has this innate need to categorize.” When someone isn’t easy for us to categorize, we stare at them. That’s how we give our brains more time to take in additional information about them, but it’s hurtful and alienating for the other person.

“We need a tool to create a bit of space, to become aware,” says Christison. “I want to take you from five seconds of unconscious judging to five seconds of conscious observation.”

Her tool consists of the acronym S.T.O.P., which stands for “See The Other Person.” This is not about taking five seconds to openly stare at someone, give them side-eye, or an up-and-down look, according to Christison.

Instead, she says, “It’s taking that first moment when seeing or meeting someone for the first time to ask yourself, ‘How do I want to think? How do I want to act? What is the other person showing me?’ In other words, take five seconds to really observe.”

When encountering someone for the first time, Christison invites us to imagine that we’re paused at a four-way intersection — the kind with stop signs at every corner. Before advancing, we need to observe other people. We have a choice in how we react; we just need to be open and aware as we do so.

If we did this, Christison says, “we could go from judging to using our judgment.” Today, too many of us approach others in an act-first-apologize-later manner. But, as she points out, “The world doesn’t need more apologies; it needs more respect.”

Watch her TEDxPortsmouth talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Quita Christison is an outreach and engagement coordinator at Next Step in Cambridge, Massachusetts, an organization that empowers young people living with serious illness to create their brightest future through community, music and mentorship. At Next Step, Christison merges her two passions — theatre and healthcare education — and engages youth in expressive arts to help them take ownership of their narratives.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Glenn Harvey

“Resentment is a relationship killer,” says psychotherapist and couples counselor Susan Adler. If we want happier relationships, we need to drop the blame, own our mistakes, and act in ways that increase connection, not conflict.

“So many relationship problems actually have very little to do with the relationship itself.”

That’s the conclusion — shared in a TEDxOakParkWomen Talk — which Chicago psychotherapist Susan Adler has come to after years of working with couples. In fact, she believes that many of the so-called relationship difficulties she sees have much more to do with the individuals’ own problems.

As it turns out, she says most people have this blindspot: “Instead of seeing that our own unhappiness puts stress on our relationship, we blame our relationship for our unhappiness — we get mad, then we try to get even, then we wonder why things go badly.” And after repeated exposure to this potent blend of blame, resentment and retaliation, as Adler puts it, “you might still be a couple, but you’re no longer a team.”

We could all benefit from having better, closer bonds. “These are pretty tough times,” Adler states. “What if we could inspire each other — especially the people we partner with — to become more thoughtful, more loving versions of ourselves?”

Here, she shares three tips for happier relationships:

Step #1: Express your feelings to your partner — that is, anything but anger

It’s normal to feel angry or upset when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations or lets you down in some way. “Anger is like the bodyguard of emotions,” according to Adler. Many of us rely on it to act as a bouncer, keeping our more difficult, uncomfortable emotions in check. She explains, “We use anger to push away our hurt and our sadness and our vulnerability, and in the process we end up pushing away the people that we love the most.”

The next time your partner does something that makes you see red, stop yourself from immediately going on the attack. Instead, try to separate yourself (even moving to the bathroom or a corner of the room can be enough), take a deep breath, and ask yourself: ‘What am I really feeling underneath all this anger?’” After you’ve had some time to settle down, let your partner know what’s going on for you. “Expressing anything other than frustration or anger can bring you closer,” Adler says, and help you start a conversation — and not another argument.

Step #2: When your partner spins out of control, take the high road

The day will inevitably come when your partner behaves unwisely — they’re irritable, grumpy, unreasonable, testy, argumentative, prickly, you name it. It’s natural to want to respond in a similar vein. Resist the temptation, and remind yourself — as Adler puts it — “You can go down that rabbit hole with them, or you can make a different choice.”

And what is that different choice? “Challenge yourself to be helpful, patient, caring and kind,” says Adler. “These are all factors that research indicates make relationships happier.” For example, she suggests, “Instead of yelling, ‘Oh my god, what is wrong with you?, stop, take a breath, and imagine saying, ‘I’m so sorry you’re upset … How can I help?’ There is nothing to fight about if you’re being helpful.”

One common-sense rule of thumb from Adler: “As the saying goes, ‘The hallmark of a good relationship is when only one person goes crazy at a time.’” And the more that you can demonstrate the benefits of staying calm when your partner isn’t, the more your behavior can influence your partner to do the same when you’re in a spin.

Step #3: Express your to-dos and wishes in the form of “I would love it” statements

It’s no secret that communicating your needs is the key to a healthy relationship, but how you approach that communication is just as important. For instance, let’s say that you’re at your wit’s end because your partner is cancelling date night yet again because they have to work late. Your inclination would be to tell them, “You have absolutely no consideration for my feelings!” or “You never make time for me!”, even though you know those remarks set the stage for a blazing-hot argument.

Adler’s recommendation: Communicate what you want from them by telling them what you’d like to happen. So you might say something like, “I would love it if we could figure out a night that works for both of us to spend some time together.”

There is a caveat to this approach. Be careful with your “I would love it” statements, warns Adler. “Don’t say negative things like ‘‘I would love it if you would stop being such a jerk.’ That’s not positive; that’s criticism,” she explains. “And don’t say things that focus on the past, like ‘I would love it if you would have cleaned the kitchen yesterday’ … Focus on moving forward and being positive. This is how you set your partner and yourself and your relationship up for success. This is how you get your needs met.”

While these techniques can be highly effective, according to Adler, “these skills aren’t for every situation and they’re not for every couple. Frankly, not every relationship should survive; some are just way too unhealthy.”

In the end, these steps are all about creating more opportunities for connection and communication, avoiding acting from a place of annoyance and anger, and recognizing how you might be letting your individual stresses and worries affect your relationship. Adler says, “When we take responsibility and we value one another, our new attitude can actually inspire our … partner to want to do the same thing.”

Watch her TEDxOakParkWomen Talk now:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Daniella Balarezo is a Media Fellow at TEDx. She is also a writer and comedian based in NYC.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Sacha Vega / iStock

We can all play a role in helping defuse even the most bitter conflicts. Veteran negotiator William Ury shares his hard-won insights.

My passion in life is helping people and societies to move from no to yes. As a negotiator, mediator and cofounder of the Program on Negotiation at Harvard University, I’ve spent more than four decades traveling the world and getting involved in some of the most difficult conflicts of our time, from the Cold War to the Middle East.

One of my favorite negotiation stories is about a man who leaves his herd of 17 camels to his three sons as their inheritance. To the first son, he leaves half the camels; to the middle son, he leaves a third of the camels; and to the youngest son, he leaves a ninth of the camels. The three sons get into an intense negotiation over who should get how many, because 17 doesn’t divide by two, or by three, or by nine. Tempers become strained, so in desperation they consult a wise, old woman. She listens to their problem and says, “Well, I don’t know if I can help you, but if you want, at least you can have my camel.” Now they have 18 camels, so the first son takes half of them, or nine camels; the middle son takes his third, or six camels; and the youngest son takes his ninth, or two camels. Nine plus six plus two adds up to a total of 17 camels. There is one camel left over, so the brothers give it back to the woman.

Many of our negotiations and conflicts today are like those 17 camels — they seem impossible to resolve, with no apparent solution in sight. What we need to do is step back from the situation, look at it through a fresh lens, and come up with an 18th camel. Finding that 18th camel in the world’s conflicts has been my life’s work.

If you think about the human predicament today, we are a bit like those three brothers, because we are one human family. Thanks to technology, all the tribes on the planet can, for the first time, get in touch with each other. And the big question facing us is: How do we deal with our deepest differences, given the human propensity for conflict and the human ability to devise weapons of enormous destruction?

We tend to see conflict as two-sided, and we frequently fail to see there is always a third side.

Almost 30 years ago, I was invited to South Africa to do negotiation work. I decided to take an extra month to spend time with the San Bushmen of the Kalahari to study how they resolve conflicts. I was interested in them because, until not long before, they’d lived as hunters and gatherers, the way of life humans had followed for 99 percent of our history. For hunting, the San use deadly poison arrows. So what do they do when tempers rise and conflict threatens to turn destructive? As I saw for myself, someone first goes and hides the poison arrows. Then everyone sits down in a circle and begin to talk and to listen, often for days on end. They don’t rest until together they’ve reached a resolution or, better yet, reconciliation. And if tempers are still hot, one of the parties is sent off to visit relatives for a few months to cool down.

I call this mechanism of community engagement in conflict the “third side,” and this system, I believe, is probably what has kept our species alive. We tend to see conflict as two-sided: labor versus management, husband versus wife, or Republicans versus Democrats. And what we frequently fail to see is there is always a third side: it’s us, the surrounding community, the friends, allies, family members, neighbors. When I returned to my work in South Africa after being with the San Bushmen, I saw with new eyes the third side in the bitter and violent conflict dividing that country. Business leaders, religious leaders, labor unions, women’s groups — in other words, the community — were working to transform the conflict. Nelson Mandela himself could be understood not just as a leader of one side, but as a third-side leader who also stood for the whole, who was fighting, as he expressed it so eloquently, for the freedom of the whites as well as the blacks. From the outside, the political transformation in South Africa seemed almost miraculous. Everyone was expecting bloodshed to continue forever, and the secret was the activation of the third side.

The most fundamental way in which the third side can help is to remind the parties of what’s really at stake. When we are locked in conflict, it can be easy to lose perspective and simply react. Human beings are reaction machines, and as the saying goes, when you’re angry, you will make the very best speech you will ever regret. The third side can remind the arguing parties to go to a place of perspective — I call it the “balcony” — by reminding them to stop fighting and start talking, whether it’s for the sake of the children or the family or our community or the future.

There’s an old saying that some conflicts are so difficult, they can only be healed with a story.

Back in the mid ’90s, I was facilitating talks between the top leaders of Russia and the top leaders of Chechnya, who were fighting a war. We met in the Hague in the Peace Palace, where the Yugoslav war-crimes tribunal was taking place at the time. Our talks got off to a rocky start as the vice president of Chechnya began attacking the Russians: “You should stay here in your seats, because you’ll be next on trial for war crimes!“ And he turned to me and said, “And you’re an American. Look at what you Americans are doing to the people of Puerto Rico!”

My mind started racing: ”Puerto Rico? What do I know about Puerto Rico?” But I remembered just in time to get back to the balcony. So when he paused and everyone looked at me for a response, I thanked him for his remarks. Then I said, “I appreciate your criticism of my country, and I take it as a sign that we’re among friends and can speak candidly to one another. And what we’re here to do is not to talk about Puerto Rico or the past. We’re here to see if we can figure out a way to stop the suffering and the bloodshed in Chechnya.” The conversations got back on track.

Most people wonder whether every conflict has a third side — surely, in the seemingly unresolvable conflicts in Middle East, there is no third side, right? I’d argue that there is. While I don’t claim to have the ultimate answer to conflict in the Middle East, I do have a first step to suggest: to take a literal first step. By understanding the story of the Middle East, we can figure out the third side. In short, the origin story goes like this: 4,000 years ago, a man and his family walked across the Middle East, and the world has never been the same since. That man was Abraham, or Ibrahim as he is known in much of the region. His basic message was of unity and of interconnectedness, and his primary value was kindness toward strangers. That’s probably what he’s best known for: his hospitality. In this sense, he’s the symbolic third side of the Middle East, because he’s the one who can remind us that we’re all part of a greater whole.

There’s an old saying that some conflicts are so difficult, they can be healed only through a story. To use Abraham’s story as a vaccine against religious and ethnic intolerance, we need to bring it to life. A simple way to do that is to go for a walk in his footsteps. There’s something very special and powerful about going for a walk together. You’re usually side-by-side, moving in the same direction. Whoever fought while they walked? Maybe that’s why, in tough negotiations, sometimes the parties go for walks, like the famous walk in the woods during US-Soviet talks in 1982. Walks can lead to breakthroughs — they are a way to go to the balcony and get some perspective.

A struggle is going on between our technological genius for destruction and our social genius for cooperation and coexistence.

This led me to the idea of opening up the ancient path of Abraham — creating a cultural route through the Middle East a bit like the Silk Road or the Camino de Santiago — that could serve as an unlikely and transformative meeting place for humanity. I told people, and many of them thought it was a crazy idea, of course. We studied the possibilities and logistics at Harvard for a year or two, and then, in 2006, a group of us from ten different countries and many different backgrounds decided to try it out — to retrace Abraham’s ancient journey from womb to tomb.

We started in Urfa, in southern Turkey (formerly northern Mesopotamia), which is where people believe Abraham was born, and journeyed together to Harran, where, according to the ancient scriptures, he set off on his journey. Then we went to Aleppo, which, it turns out, takes its name from Abraham’s milking his goat to give to the poor, and then to Damascus, which has a long history associated with Abraham. We traveled next through the highlands of northern Jordan to Jerusalem and Bethlehem and, finally, to Hebron, the place where he was buried. It was an extraordinary and moving journey.

As we discovered when we walked through these communities in the Middle East, Abraham is not just a figure out of a book — he’s a living presence, a symbol of hospitality. “In the name of Father Ibrahim, let me offer you some food” was a phrase that we heard. In places where you might expect hostility, we received the most amazing hospitality. No matter what divides us, we saw that what unites us is far greater. That’s the meaning of the Abraham Path. Since that first journey, over 1,000 miles of walking trails along the Abraham Path have been mapped out and developed.

Thousands of people are walking, from local schoolchildren to expatriates to visitors from around the world. As unlikely as it may sound, with the wars in the region, more and more people are walking parts of the path every year. In a world where fear of strangers is on the rise, that’s what this most unlikely of paths is all about: building human connection and transforming fear into hope. And it’s not just people’s psychology that has been altered by walking the path; it’s economics as well. As people walk, they help create livelihoods for those who live on or near the path. That’s the long-term potential of the Abraham Path: to shift our view of the Middle East, to change the image we have from hostility to hospitality, from terrorism to tourism. It can become a global symbol of hope and unity.

The world today is going through a period of intense polarization and political conflict, driven in part by the dizzying pace of globalization and the people who feel left behind. Whether it’s the bitter political divisions in the US or Brexit in Europe or the wars in the Middle East, conflict seems to be on the rise. In a larger sense, a struggle is going on between our technological genius for destruction and our social genius for cooperation and coexistence. What we need now is to awaken and mobilize our most ancient system for dealing constructively with conflict, the third side.

Perhaps we could create a platform that allows everyone to become a peacemaker, a third-sider. After all, technological platforms like Airbnb permit anyone with an apartment or house to become an innkeeper; Uber enables anyone with a car to become a taxi-driver. Think of the third side as a social immune system that can swarm conflicts, just as our immune systems deploy T-cells to swarm infections. Third-siders could listen with empathy, and then bring people to the balcony so they can act appropriately to contain, resolve and prevent destructive arguments.

The secret to peace is us, and each of us can take a single step to bring the world a step closer to peace. There’s an old African proverb that goes: “When spider webs unite, they can halt even a lion.” It’s time for us to bring our webs together.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

William Ury is the co-founder of Harvard’s Program on Negotiation. He is currently a Distinguished Senior Fellow at the Harvard Negotiation Project. He is the author of the books “Getting to Yes with Yourself,” “The Power of a Positive No,” “Getting Past No,” and “The Third Side,” and co-author (with Roger Fisher and Bruce Patton) of “Getting to Yes.”

This post was originally published on TED Ideas.

Eugenia Mello

Most relationships in which loneliness has taken up residence can be shifted to a better daily reality, says marriage researcher Carol Bruess. All it takes some patience and effort.

About my soaring, loving marriage of 28 years, people frequently say: “You’re soooo lucky!”

As I’ve written before, I don’t believe that luck is the key to a good marriage; hard work is. And such labor is, fortunately, among the most rewarding kind of work we do, of co-creating a relationship steeped in friendship, mutual adoration, and an unrelenting respect for our partner’s talents and quirks.

When it comes to that work, I have a bit of an advantage. I’m a social scientist who studies and ponders, day in and out, how our micro-choices can yield big outcomes toward strong and vibrant relationships.

But you don’t have to be a relationship expert to know when something isn’t quite right in your partnership or marriage. If your union isn’t one in which humor comes easily; isn’t one in which your partner’s idiosyncrasies are still (at least a little bit) endearing; or isn’t one in which your emotional needs are being met, perhaps you’re in a lonely marriage.

Sounds oxymoronic, right? A lonely marriage?

In fact, lonely marriages are real. And too common. Talk to someone who has experienced one and they’ll tell you it’s worse being lonely in a marriage than it is being lonely by yourself. According to surveys, some 40 percent of people know the pain of being lonely in relationship because they’ve been there at some point. Although no two happy marriages are identical, every lonely marriage has one thing in common: at least one spouse feels abandoned emotionally.

Emotional abandonment can be confusing, vague and hard to pinpoint because the person is, quite often, lying next to you in bed every night or co-raising kids. They might even be the person with whom you’re still having sex. But it’s also the person with whom — when you get honest with yourself — you know something is off. Something is missing.

Being in a lonely marriage doesn’t mean you’re physically excluding your partner from your life, but you’re emotionally excluding them from your thoughts. While you two may talk, you’re not communicating your hopes, fears and dreams. You might not be arguing or yelling or showing any obvious signs of disharmony; quite often, you’re not fighting at all, because you’ve found it’s just easier not to. Being in a lonely marriage also doesn’t mean you’re not being an attentive, loving parent. Many couples who feel disconnected from each other actually respond by throwing the majority of their energies toward their kids.

Let me be clear: Being in a lonely marriage doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. However, the emotional distance between you has increased to the point that your love is lacking an essential intimacy — a tenderness of words, actions and thoughts. A type of gentleness you know is possible in your two-ness because it was that gentleness which attracted you to each other in the first place (remember?).

And here’s the good news: It’s with that sense of possibility you should remain hopeful, even if you’re reading this with a knowing dread that the emotionally-distant marriage I describe is your current marriage.

Why hopeful? Because most relationships in which loneliness has taken up residence can be shifted. They can be ushered back to a we-ness, replete with positive energy and renewed intimacy.

With a little work and a few tweaks in your behavior, you can come back to a better daily reality, one that looks more like this: a relationship in which you know your partner’s current worries; in which you can laugh together at life’s daily absurdities and annoyances; in which you want to create and anticipate with joy an evening when the kids are elsewhere and the two of you do whatever it is just the two of you find joy in doing.

Yes, you can get back to that.

As you make the decision to reclaim connection with your partner, resolve first and foremost to be patient. Not unlike the work of getting back in physical shape after an injury or illness — you wouldn’t just head out and run a 10K immediately after a three-year hiatus from exercising — re-building your relationship muscles after allowing them to atrophy will take a some time and definitely require a little effort. But little is the key word. Muscle memory is a powerful thing, and that goes for intimacy muscles too.

Here are three tips as you begin to flex those relationship-connection muscles:

Ask questions

If you are feeling lonely, your partner is probably also feeling lonely—and hopeless and helpless, not sure where to begin. So, begin with you. Take the initiative by simply asking your partner at least one question a day about something not related to managing your lives. Questions like “Did you pay the electricity bill?” and “Can you grab the kids tomorrow after school?” do not count. Ask your partner what they’re currently worried about, excited about, stressed about, looking forward to. Then really listen to their answers.

Start small, and don’t be surprised if your partner is suspicious at first. Re-establishing emotional connection is a shift in energy — a shift in wanting to know what the other person is thinking and feeling again, and sharing your own thoughts and feelings. Make it a goal to engage your partner in more of these curiosity-conversations each day. Most likely, they will begin to reciprocate, asking you similar questions. It might not happen right away, but trust that it will over time. Humans are pretty predictable; we tend to give back what we are given.

Get into their world

More specifically, get into the world of their thoughts. Yes, this will naturally happen by asking questions. But also important is making a quiet, internal effort to take your partner’s perspective—an exercise that you can’t skip as you work to re-build an emotional bond.

What does this entail? Pick just 60 seconds every day, close your eyes, and take just one minute to imagine what your partner’s world is currently like—from their vantage point. What might they be feeling/experiencing/needing right now? What is their current reality? What might their challenges be? Where are they finding joy? What might they be worried about, yearning for, or what might be weighing them down? Come into this minute of perspective-taking with a generosity of heart and mind.

You don’t even have to talk to your spouse about what you see in your mind’s eye — at least not immediately, and sometimes not ever. Because by simply engaging in this brief activity you will have more empathy and patience as you go about navigating daily life with your partner. Most important: this increased empathy can be the root of renewed emotional connection.

Create rituals of connection

Start small here. Choose to create tiny moments of intentional shared experiences together. If your partner is the one who usually makes dinner, join them in the kitchen and ask how you can help tonight. Maybe pull up their favorite artist on Spotify and set the tone for more joyful — even if they’re tiny — feelings between the two of you. These gestures of connection are the powerful stuff of thriving marriages, each one contributing to a larger reality of being a we again.

If you’re worried about doing any of the above and/or you’ve been in the lonely season of your marriage for a while, it might be wise — and necessary — for you to get support in this process. There are excellent, licensed marriage and family therapists working in most communities. Ask a friend or colleague for referrals, or do a simple google search. Another option for people in the US: Enter your zip code here to get a list of practitioners near you. Seeing a marriage and family therapist is covered by many health insurance plans.

If your spouse or partner is reluctant about seeing a therapist, encourage them to think of therapy as education, not as someone fixing broken humans or judging you on the way you communicate. Quite the contrary. Great therapy is a warm, safe, and welcoming opportunity to simply learn positive new ways of being together, building on what you already have created as a couple. If you have children, tap into your partner’s desire to raise healthy, happy young people, and remind your partner that the single most important thing you can do for your children is to have a healthy relationship yourselves. Yes, your children are watching.

And, yes, you can reclaim intimacy again. But it’s going to take some work. Just keep reminding yourself: It’s the most valuable work you can do.

Watch her TEDxMinneapolis Salon Talk here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carol Bruess (rhymes with “peace”) is professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas, Minnesota; resident scholar at St. Norbert College, Wisconsin; and forever passionate about studying and improving relationships. She is fluent in emoji, loves parentheticals (it’s what all the cool kids are doing), and is happy-dancing her way through empty-nesting (although don’t tell her kids; they think she’s all weepy). Check out her five books and sewing/design shenanigans over at www.carolbruess.com

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Melissa McFeeters

What’s your elephant in the room?

Every group — whether it’s a family or a team in the workplace — has one: an uncomfortable, complicated or charged conversation that hasn’t happened but needs to.

Maybe it’s about salary, taking someone’s time or effort for granted, goals, lagging performance, or some other loaded topic. “I want you to think of a tough conversation that people around you need to have — there’s some issue that’s holding them back from accomplishing what they want to accomplish,” says Adar Cohen, a conflict resolution expert based in Illinois and cofounder of the Civic Leadership Foundation, in a TEDxKeene Talk. “I believe they might be one conversation away from accomplishing that thing but they’re not having it … or they’ve tried and it hasn’t gone well.”

It’s human nature to avoid difficult conversations, partly because they’re difficult and partly because we’re worried that having them could make things worse. In his work facilitating negotiations with people from all different kinds of organizations — including companies, political factions, law enforcement, hospitals, gangs — in the US, Northern Ireland and the Middle East, Cohen has seen all the reasons that keep us from saying anything. However, when we continue to dodge these conversations, he says, “frustration sets in, communication constricts, tensions rise, trust evaporates and collaboration is done.”

After you work up the will and courage to tackle your elephant, there are a few key steps you can take to ensure that your discussion will be productive — often in ways you can’t anticipate or imagine.

Cohen has three rules to help you lead difficult conversations:

1. Move toward — not away from — the conflict.

In his TEDxKeene Talk, Cohen speaks about a gathering he oversaw at Chicago’s Cook County Jail, which has more than 6,500 inmates and is one of the largest jails in the US. Their goal was to discuss how to best support people upon their release from prison and help prevent them from re-entering the criminal justice system again. The group was tremendously varied — former gang members, business leaders, corrections officers, clergy, social workers, sheriff’s deputies, city officials — and also unaccustomed to collaborating with one another. The discussion began, and it was terrible. “Whatever I tried, nothing worked,” says Cohen. “The group wouldn’t sit next to each other, wouldn’t even look at each other … This was the toughest conversation I ever led.”

Cohen was desperate. At their first break, he recalls, ”I approached that corrections officer who hasn’t said a single word all morning, and I just go for it. I charge up to him and I say, ‘Hey buddy, what do I gotta do to get you to pipe down in there?’ … I moved toward the conflict. Miraculously, he doesn’t squish me. He actually laughs.” By acknowledging the awkwardness, he had created a moment, an opening, with one of the participants.

“Conflict is information, and handled well, conflict is opportunity,” says Cohen.

2. Act as if you don’t know anything about the situation, even if you do.

After he got the corrections officer to laugh, Cohen says, “I asked him, ‘What do people get wrong about what you do?’ Which is another way of asking, ‘How are you misunderstood?’ … And his face changes. He looks like a different person, and he says, ‘People think that I feel normal about this, keeping people in cages all day. There’s nothing normal about my job.’”

When the break ended, Cohen asked that same question to the corrections officer — but this time, in front of the entire group. The response to the officer’s frankness was electrifying. “Now others are ready to share and because I don’t know anything, I keep asking questions,” Cohen says. “One by one, they all have their chance to describe everything about their day-to-day, minute-to-minute work, which means everyone’s getting heard by everyone. My naive questions make it possible for them to hear one another.”

“Ask questions about people’s experiences, and listen to what they say,” explains Cohen. “important things will be said because you’re there listening and the better you listen, the better the people having the conversation will listen to each other.” When you speak, stick to sharing your own experiences — resist the urge to offer advice or commentary or to speak on behalf of other people. “Take the long way,” he says.

3. Keep quiet, especially in the beginning.

Silence can be challenging — most of us will jump in to fill in unpleasant gaps or lulls — but it can actually lead people to speak up, especially people who haven’t yet said anything. Learning to be comfortable with silence can prompt deeper, more meaningful interactions. Cohen says, “Some of the best breakthroughs I’ve seen in really difficult conversations have emerged out of a brief period of silence. Don’t rush in to rescue everyone from that awkward moment; it’s your job to show them that moment is okay.”

Cohen shares an anecdote from a conversation he led among people from opposing groups in Northern Ireland:

“In one of these meetings, we suddenly heard from a man who hadn’t spoken. He shared his experience as a newcomer to Belfast, standing on a bus, exhausted after work and suddenly being surrounded by a group of men. They came in really close, whispered horrible threats. They trapped him, and he explained how his heart pounded and he just gripped the railing of the bus and waited until it stopped and he could dash out. He had feared for his life that day, he told the group, and he had hoped that immigrating to Northern Ireland from Somalia would have been the end of having to fear for his life. The room felt totally quiet; everyone heard him — Protestants, Catholics, suddenly it didn’t matter. ‘That’s unacceptable,’ the first said. ‘That’s not Belfast,’ said the second. ‘Not how we want it to be,’ said the third.”

In his work around the world, Cohen has seen that just one conversation can change lives: opening the door to a new way of looking at the world, to collaboration that previously seemed impossible, and to forgiveness, understanding and common ground. Any of us, he says, can change the world in this way. “Conversations create the future. Whether or not we have them and how we have them is up to us.”

Watch his TEDxKeene Talk here:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Adar Cohen is cofounder and executive director of the Civic Leadership Foundation in Illinois. He is responsible for all aspects of CLF’s efforts to empower young people for success in school, work and civic life. Working with Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland, with gang leaders and correctional officers in Chicago, and with Jews and Muslims in the Middle East, Dr. Cohen has led dynamic change processes in settings defined by conflict and uncertainty. He has investigated human rights abuses at the Guantánamo Bay detention camp; led nonviolence trainings in church basements and community centers across the US; and, at the invitation of the King of Bhutan, lectured and designed curriculum at Sherubtse University, Bhutan’s first institution for higher education.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Priya Mistry

“Have you ever had this experience?” asks physicist Dominic Walliman in a TEDxEastVan Talk. “You’re having a chat with someone, and they’re telling you something about a subject they’re very interested in or they know a lot about, and you’re following along. Then, at some stage you realize you kind of lost the thread of what they’re saying … You realize you have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about.”

When this has happened, you probably felt bad — like you just weren’t smart enough to understand what they were saying and you’ve wasted that person’s time.

Perhaps you’ve been on the other side, too. You were talking about something relatively complex and you could practically see the moment that your listener checked out. Not only is it uncomfortable but it’s also disheartening when what you’re saying is important, cool or valuable to the listener.

When you’re the speaker, “there are things you can do to improve this,” says Walliman. All you need to do is find a better way to explain your subject.

Walliman has made this a speciality — he writes children’s books and makes YouTube videos about quantum physics, nanotechnology, relativity, rocket science and other traditionally dense topics — and he’s come up with four principles that can help you effectively communicate complex concepts.

What’s more, he believes that more effective communication isn’t limited to the sciences. In fact, it can help all of us talk about the ideas, concepts, inventions and people that interest us. “I’ve come to the conclusion,” he says, “that you can pretty much explain anything to anybody, as long as you go about it the right way.”

1. Start off in the right place.

“Everyone’s got a different background, everyone’s got a different set of knowledge, and it’s our job to explain the information in terms that they already understand, “ says Walliman. “It’s no good leaving a gap and starting from there because they’re not going to follow along.”

If you’re in doubt about what your listener already knows or comprehends, simply ask. As you start to explain, he suggests, ask questions like “Do you already get this?” or “Is this making any sense?”

What if you’re talking to people who come from backgrounds that you’re not familiar with? If you’re speaking to a large group, “you have to make your best guess and a show of hands can be useful, too,” says Walliman. “It’s always better to err on the side of caution.”

Don’t worry too much about whether you’re telling the audience something they’ve already heard before. “People generally don’t mind,” says Waliman.

2. Don’t go too far down the rabbit hole.

Most of us love to learn — but we can absorb only so much at a time. Avoid bombarding people with too much knowledge at once. “It’s better to explain, say, three things that someone will understand … rather than barrage them with a whole load of information that kind of undoes all of your good work to begin with,” Walliman says.

Let’s say you and a friend are in an art museum. You see a painting you love — and one that you studied in college — but you can see that your friend doesn’t quite know what to make of it. You may feel tempted to explain every single thing you know about this particular work, telling her about the artist’s life and career, the materials and techniques used, the movement that the artist is part of, and so on.

Instead, try to focus on the bigger picture (pun intended). This can help your friend start to appreciate it. As an example, take Helen Frankenthaler’s Cool Summer (1962). Mention how, much like Jackson Pollock would drip paint, Frankenthaler would stain her canvases. Like Pollock’s dripping, staining was another cutting-edge technique of the time. Then, ask your friend to look at the painting as if it were a landscape. What kind of natural scene could be conveyed with those colors in those configurations?

3. Go for clarity over accuracy.

When we’re speaking about a subject we’re very knowledgeable about, we may tend to be carried away with the impulse to get everything “right.” Sometimes, though, an emphasis on the facts can occur at the expense of comprehension.

“It’s better to come up with a simpler explanation that maybe isn’t completely technically correct but it gets the point across,” Walliman says. Settle for establishing a basic understanding in them. If they want to know more, you can build upon that knowledge and create a more complete — and accurate — picture.

4. Explain why you think your subject is so cool.

“If you’re taking the time to explain something to someone, there’s probably a reason you’re doing it — either you think it’s super-important or very, very interesting,” says Walliman. And if it’s the latter, he adds, “the more you can convey that to someone, the more likely they are to remember it and get some value from it.”

So, ask yourself: “Why do I think this subject is so cool?”

The more you can communicate your enthusiasm to others, the more likely they are to feel that way too. One way to do this is give examples that demonstrate how the subject is relevant to their lives can bring it to life for them.

Figuring out how to best explain your subject may take trial and error, so don’t get discouraged about sharing what you know. Remember: Learning isn’t limited to understanding a subject, it can also be about grasping what you already know and understanding it in a way that will allow you to share it with those around you.

Watch his TEDxEastVan talk now:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jake Amorelli is the communications coordinator for TEDx.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.