Thoka Maer

“In a perfect world, I believe that members of the LGBT community shouldn’t have to come out,” says New York high school student Amanda Gundel in a 2018 TEDx talk. “We should all be able to co-exist in our little bubbles and go out and do our own things.”

Unfortunately, we don’t yet live in that world, and LGBTQ+ people continue to face the pressure to come out.

What’s more, coming out isn’t a one-time act. After you come out for the first time, you’ll probably have to keep coming out to new people — new friends, new coworkers, new family members — for the rest of your life. This can feel overwhelming, so it’s crucial to take it one step at a time.

While there is no simple formula, there are people in the queer community who are glad to share their experiences as a guide.

Below, Gundel, now a writer and student at Binghamton University in New York, and queer therapist Daniel Tehrani, whose NYC psychotherapy practice at the Institute For Human Identity focuses on gender, sexuality, trauma and substance abuse, provide some insight:

1. Sit with yourself

We live in a society where heterosexuality is the norm. In fact, most people you meet probably assume you’re heterosexual and also cisgender (your gender identity matches the biological sex you were assigned at birth).

Queerness is an exception to these norms, so queer people can often end up questioning themselves and wondering how they fit in. In the coming out process, taking time for self reflection is important because it gives you the opportunity to define yourself on your own terms.

“The Q, or Questioning, part of LGBTQIA is so important, because we are all ‘Q’, or Questioning before we are firmly gay or lesbian, etc.,” explains Tehrani. “Whether it was for one second or several years, there was a moment where we thought, ‘I don’t know.’ That’s in part due to the fact when we grow up, we’re told we are straight, without being able to really think ‘Wait, what? Am I actually straight?’”

So step one is to sit with yourself. Consider who you are outside of all your social, cultural and familial expectations. In a world that is quick to tell us who we are and who we should love, reconsidering and reclaiming your own identity can be a radical act of self love. Ask yourself what your truest wants, needs and feelings are.

2. Come out to yourself

Stand in front of a mirror, recommends Gundel, and “look into your own eyes and come out to yourself.”

This might sound unnecessary — isn’t the whole point of coming out to be out to other people in the world? Gundel explains: “If you can’t bring yourself to say it when no one is around, there’s no way you’ll be able to go further than this step.”

Maybe you’ve known you are trans since preschool. Maybe you started to question your sexuality in your 60s after your heterosexual marriage ended. Regardless of where you are in life, the most important person to come out to is always yourself. Start there, and hold yourself with patience and kindness. “Be patient with it, and don’t rush it,” says Tehrani.

3. Come out to a pet or a plant

Next, practice coming out to something that lacks the ability to judge, such as your dog, cat or plant.

“The great thing about coming out to your pet is they really couldn’t care less; your pet will still want affection from you,” says Gundel. “No matter what you tell them, it won’t affect them in the slightest.”

Tehrani agrees. He says, “If you have a cat, dog or goldfish and say to it, ‘I’m gay,’ it’s still gonna be like, ‘OK, do you want to cuddle? Do you want to give me a treat? Do you want to go for a walk?’ They really don’t care, which is something our human family members could learn from.”

4. Find a support system

Now that you and your non-human companions know you’re queer, it’s time to find your crowd.

“This is the most important step, and I cannot stress this enough — you must find people around you who will love you, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender,” says Gundel. “It’s toxic to be around people who will not accept you. Get away from those people, if possible, and surround yourself with others.”

Of course, finding your crowd — the strangers who become friends and eventually form your chosen family — is not always easy. Don’t feel discouraged if the people you reach out to don’t immediately welcome you, says Tehrani. He explains, “People who are members of the queer community may have their own difficulties and traumas, and they’re trying to figure things out just as you are.”

He suggests you search for local events held by LGBTQ+ organizations, follow queer activists on social media (you can find them via hashtags or through queer celebrities’ accounts), and if you’re a student, join your school’s Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) to connect with your peers and access resources.

On the value of finding your crowd, Tehrani notes, “Coming out is kind of a dance with shame — ‘I have the shame of being a person who represents a marginalized community that is literally targeted by governments, by society, by religious organizations, by peers, by bullies. I’m a person with a target on my back, and I’m ashamed of this.’”

His advice: “A really good way of reducing shame is by knowing a lot of queer people, loving them and thinking, ‘OK, if they’re not ashamed of being who they are, why should I? They’re not that different from me. I love them, they’re so important to me, and I would never want that pain for them.’”

It’s sometimes easier for us to empathize with others than with ourselves. By befriending, supporting, accepting and loving people in the queer community, you’re also telling yourself that you’re worthy and deserving of friendship, support, acceptance and love.

5. Come out to someone in your crowd

After you’ve found your crowd, the next step is to open up to them about your sexuality or gender identity. During the coming out process, your physical and emotional safety should remain your priority, and revealing yourself to someone in this group should keep you safe.

6. Come out to someone outside your crowd

If and when you come out to someone who’s outside your crowd, both Tehrani and Gundel suggest you take your time to decide whether it’s the right person and the right time to say something. Sound them out: Ask them about their current feelings on LGBTQ+ rights, or mention a queer celebrity who’s posted something supportive on social media. This can help you decide who to come out to first.

Again, your physical and emotional safety should be in the forefront of your mind. Tehrani emphasizes that you should come out only when it’s safe for you. “There’s a significant risk that’s associated with coming out, and so it’s really important to assess whether you’re safe to do so before you do,” he says. “I have to say that safety probably takes priority over coming out, even if it means your delaying it for several months until you have a place to stay that’s safe or you have enough money in case you are kicked out of your home.”

Research from the University of Chicago found that LGBTQ+ young adults have a 120 percent higher risk of reporting homelessness, compared to youth who identify as cisgender and heterosexual. As Tehrani notes, “coming out for someone with more resources is very different versus coming out for someone with no resources.” Additionally, people of all ages who come out risk being ostracized, rejected or judged by others in their communities, which threatens their emotional safety.

Once you’ve decided who you want to come out to, prepare yourself for the worst. “Let your friends — the people within your crowd — know what you’re doing, and think of a place you can go to in case things go really badly,” says Tehrani. “Have the resources on hand in case you feel as though you’re in emotional danger — such as the phone number of a friend, your therapist or a loved one.”

Just so you know, it took Gundel about 2 years to go through these six steps; it might take someone else 20 years. It’s possible that as you explore your sexuality and gender expression throughout your life, your identity will continue to evolve, and you may decide at some point to come out with a different identity.

“Our sexualities are just like our personalities; when you were 10, you weren’t the same person that you are at 20, 30, 40,” says Tehrani. “Our sexualities can change and develop too. They are very fluid. So it can be quite uncomfortable to have to come out with a different identity several times. But it is OK.”

He adds, “I don’t want to say ‘It gets better’ because I think it’s a little overused, but it does get better. Keep pushing, don’t lose hope, and keep looking towards a future where you can be yourself. There is nothing more meaningful in this world than feeling safe enough to just be yourself.”

Watch Amanda Gundel’s TEDxWCMephamHigh Talk here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paula Carrizosa is a writer and media fellow on the TEDx team at TED.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Armand Burger, Getty Images | iStock

All children deserve to learn in a safe, supportive educational environment. One education organization working toward this goal is GLSEN, which aims “to create safe and affirming schools for all, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.” Below, GLSEN ambassador and youth advocate Jeffrey Marsh offers 7 key pieces of advice for teachers in this excerpt from their excellent book, How To Be You:

I work with young people. They write to me all the time. They message me about their experiences. They communicate. They respect me. And there are a few magical things I’ve learned about how to treat them. If you really want to reach young people, if you want to know what helps them feel safe and cared for and ready to learn from you as an educator or school administrator or camp counselor, read on.

1. Really listen. Seems obvious, right? This is first because it is the most important. So many ills can be alleviated with concentrated respectful listening. You know deep down that you want to feel accepted and cared for and you want to feel like your opinions and experiences matter. The same is true for any student or young person you work with. Don’t dismiss. Don’t conflate. Don’t belittle and don’t rush any young person you’re talking to. Take the care you would give to a close friend and give that to a student. Sit for awhile. Pause before you respond. Really pay attention. Don’t cut them off. Listen. Also, don’t get all high and mighty. Assuming what someone means without actually asking for clarification is a big fat CDE: communication dead end. If you want a student to show up, then you need to do the work of showing them that it’s safe to do so. Along these lines, please ask follow-up questions. Don’t try to lead the conversation, but lean into it: “What do you mean?” Can you say more about that? Asking shows you care — it shows you’re listening.

2. Get to know the lingo. One of the best ways to show respect to someone from a different background or generation is to understand the terms they use — especially when it comes to how they define themselves. Some of my fans’ Twitter bios read like this: “I’m an a-romantic pansexual trans-fem DMAB.” I realized at a certain point that I needed a vocab lesson if I was going to be of any use at all! In my day (which wasn’t all that long ago) we didn’t use any of these terms. I needed to “meet them where they were” if I was going to connect with and help any young person. So I learned. I asked around. I found out what the terms were, what folks in school were using to define themselves and their experiences of the world. Knowing what the vocabulary was went a long way to helping me show that I meant business and was ready to accept and respect whoever I was talking to.

3. Lobby for safe spaces (or create them). Sometimes a teacher needs to be the one to advocate for the use of school space for clubs and gatherings that the school deems controversial or unimportant. Whether it’s an LGBT or religious or just a hobby club, young people need at least one safe space to make connections with peers and find out they are not alone or freakish or as weird as they may be thinking. A safe space of this kind has several hallmarks. It is clean and respectful. It is private. It is free from other activities and groups. It is free from haters and bullies, whether they are students or teachers who disagree with what the club is offering. If a school refuses to allow a safe space that you know your students need, look for ways to assist with the club outside your school.

4. Take a forthright unequivocal stand against bullying. In big ways and small ways, in your private life and in your public persona as an educator, you must take an anti-bullying stance. If any student senses an attitude of “Boys will be boys” or “Kids need to toughen up” or “It’s not that big of a deal,” you’ve already lost them. If you aren’t willing to take a strong no-tolerance policy against bullying in your own school or classroom, you will never reach your students effectively. I’d recommend zero tolerance. If you witness bullying or you find out it’s going on, you must show all the kids involved that bullying behavior has real (negative) consequences. Many schools have a structure in place for this kind of disciplinary action and my advice is to use that structure without hesitation. If you want to reach young people, you must be willing to respect them by keeping them physically and psychologically safe while they learn. Work to make your school’s anti-bullying policy comprehensive. An appropriate policy should cover gender, race, sexual orientation, gender identity, and all the reasons that kids are bullied.

5. Get help if you need it. Don’t believe the lie that you need to do it all yourself. You are not alone. There are a ton of organizations (GLSEN, for example) that love to help make schools safe for everyone. So Google for help. Reach out. Don’t get caught up in thinking that communicating with and helping students is all up to you.

6. Honor their experience. Just because you’re older and probably wiser doesn’t mean you’re right. If you disagree with a student, try interacting with them as you would with an adult. For whatever reason, many teachers just tend to assume that a student’s views and experiences are a little less valid than an adult’s. Why do we do this? It seems basically arbitrary in most respects. Sure, a young person is less like likely to have the depth and breadth of experiences that an adult has had, but that may not always be true. And if it is true, does it automatically mean that their opinions and experiences are somehow less valuable? Well…no.

7. Give yourself some credit. If only for just a moment, don’t judge your performance as a teacher; don’t get down about how you’re not doing this “right.” See yourself from the outside. Take note of how hard you’re trying. Notice how hard the profession of teaching can be. And notice how deeply impactful you are every day. We all remember the teacher who inspired us, who was nice to us when we needed it, or who we felt really got us. You’re changing lives, and it’s totally okay to acknowledge your good hard work enthusiastically and often.

Author bio: Jeffrey Marsh is a youth advocate and the author of How To Be You.

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In schools everywhere, students are deeply affected by current events. Certain policy changes and related commentary can cause children to experience fear, confusion and anxiety. For example, some kids might fear deportation. Others might be upset about hurtful generalizations they hear regarding their cultures and countries of origin. A lot of kids might fear the loss of rights.

Teachers around the world have shared that having conversations about these topics is challenging, and sometimes they end up avoiding these conversations altogether. So how might teachers facilitate a classroom discussion that allows students to express their perspectives and work through their emotional distress? It’s important to note that an emotionally charged conversation requires a different set of skills than leading an academic class discussion. Here are 10 tips for success:

1. Come up with class norms. It is hard to have a spontaneous conversation about a controversial issue. Classroom procedures for conversations and discussion can help your conversations go smoothly. At the beginning of the school year, establish guidelines for class discussions with your students’ input. What are the qualities of a good listener? How can students feel heard and understood? What happens if someone becomes overly emotional? Post the guidelines in your classroom, review them periodically, and stick to them during discussions. If you have guidelines in place, students won’t feel singled out if you have to give them feedback about their style of participation.

2. Make sure everyone has the same basic background information. Not all students are politically minded or have access to news media. Before starting a class conversation, provide a basic summary of events. Students are less likely to tune out if they understand what the conversation is about.

3. Provide explanations and clarifications. Sometimes students’ emotions are rooted in confusion, fear, and misinformation. Students look to teachers for information and clarification, so don’t forget your role as an information source. Even if you don’t have an answer, you can search for it alongside your students. If fake news seems to be at the root of the problem, empower your students to evaluate news sources. PBS has an excellent lesson plan for that here.

4. Avoid debates. There will likely be a variety of viewpoints in your classroom. Debates can be a constructive activity in the context of an organized, structured lesson. Yet when students are emotionally charged, debates can often devolve into arguments and personal attacks. Shift the focus from changing minds to exchanging ideas. Frame the conversation as an opportunity for understanding and empathy.

5. View yourself as a facilitator. If you view yourself as a facilitator, you can provide a comfortable space for students to express themselves and develop their own opinions. Your role is not to persuade students of a particular point of view. Instead, you are providing a safe, structured space for students to work through a specific topic.

6. Reflect what you hear and encourage students to do the same. Simply repeating back what you hear can be tremendously helpful. It can help students understand their emotions and thoughts about particular issues and events and it can help deescalate emotionally charged situations by showing that you have heard and understood your students. Model this technique for your students and encourage them to repeat back what they have just heard before they respond to a classmate.

7. Provide space for students to experience their feelings. If students are experiencing strong emotions, that is OK. Oftentimes, adults try to cheer kids up when they are angry or sad. This can send the message that they need to suppress their emotions so that the people around them aren’t uncomfortable. Acknowledge their emotions and encourage classmates to do the same. When students judge each other’s emotions with comments like, “You have no right to feel that way,” encourage them to recognize the emotion of their classmate instead. Remind them that people do not all have exact same experience. When you establish your classroom norms, this can be an important point to cover. Brene Brown’s video resource on empathy can help show the importance of allowing others to experience their emotions.

8. Provide time for independent reflection. Give students some time to write (or create an audio file, drawing or other product) independently so that they have a chance to process the conversation. Let students know that this isn’t a graded assignment, and that you are open to feedback about ways to improve the classroom discussion.

9. Check in with distressed students. If a student is particularly anxious or upset, check in with that student privately. If you are worried about a student, avail yourself of other resources in your building and district so that students get the support they need to function well during the school day.

10. Consider a class project related to the discussion. A class project can help build cohesion and a sense of community in your classroom. It can also show that even in the midst of controversy and disagreement, people can work together for a common goal. The project does not have to be complicated or expensive. For example, TED-Ed Innovative Educator Kristin Leong created Roll Call, a project that highlights the commonalities between students and teachers.

Author bio: Dani Bostick is a writer, teacher, and TED-Ed Innovative Educator in Virginia. 

Art credit: iStock.

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